i cant help but feel like ive entirely lost respect for myself these days. i do not think i deserve to be esteemed in the basic, good-person sense of the word. my actions absolutely suck; i am self-centered, lazy, INDULGENT as heck, a cheater, a liar, not hard working, unfaithful, not committed to goals, a quitter, fat, a binger, a bulimic, a thief...the list could go on for forever. i hate who i am, i hate how easily i give up. i dont like dwelling on the negative or being against myself but gosh dammit i suck! ugh. its disgusting. and consequently, i cant help but feel like absolute shit around other people. i cant help but feel unworthy of their friendship and also internally distressed over what they are attributing me with doing or being. no one knows what a hypocrite i am! i am the most worthless, faking piece of shit. and i hate it. i feel like the incessant acne emerging on my face is a perfect analogy for who i am...the digustingly repulsive crap that has been circulating within my heart over the years is finally bubbling out in its oozing, pussy boils, creeping slowly from beneath my skin until they are unsightly mountains.
i deserve death for who i am. i deserve death for what i do.
God help me, i feel like i cannot get out. here i am again...in the same shit hole, trying and committing and hurting and choosing and caving and binging and purging and slaving. and then repeating it all over again. another semester of expensive, windowless addiction. i dont want to go down this path! and to be fair, i did pretty well this first half of the spring session, with only 3 out of the 8 weeks being bulimic-centered. i can do it again--i need to do it again. i just dont know how. i keep attempting to start and then i get overwhelmed and upset and i cave, with a little reprimendation and reminder that this isnt the real thing yet, 1/2-marathon training is still weeks away and thus this is okay.
what in the world can i do? i dont know how to get out anymore. i dont know how to cope without therapy, without some guideline. and i dont want to recover without Christ. there's no point and even if i could do it, i wouldnt want to.
so basically i need to talk with Pastor Kidd. he's really my only option right now, seeing as how Mom and Dad don't know about the purging element of my ED or my not being a Christian. thus i cant tell them why im not in therapy--i can only lie and say that im getting better and still having sessions with Robbie. and i hate that because id like to be honest with them, but this truth would be too much. it would change too many things; it would destroy them. i cannot tell them....which just sucks. i feel really alone in this deception. har. har. right? oh the fucking webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive...
i wish i could just heal. this is why i so often try to avoid this shit and live as vibrantly as i can for as long as i can. because when i sit down and face it, its all so depressing and tangled that i fear there is no hope for restoration. besides, who wants to acknowledge their life is down the drain? how the fuck do you not kill yourself at that point?
i guess all you have to do is believe in hell...that's what's always stopped me.
gah--enough of this.
