today i am really in the mood to hurt myself. yes, i know, that's weird as hell; but it's true. i just want to punish myself. i hate my body, i hate who i am, i hate my hair and my face and my bloated stomach that gurgles from the clotted blood of uterus. i hate all this fucking weight on my body and how im not working on stuff and how im tired and obsessed with fucking, fucking food. part of this motivation is coming from my roommate too. she is not responsible for any of this--it's just my stupid reaction to her behavior. you see, she doesnt like to eat. like AT ALL. and she doesnt have (or at least doesnt claim to have) and eating disorder. i suspected that for a very long time, but apparently she's been this way for forever, according to her friends from highschool. she also will eat junk food when the urge hits and speaks about ED's with the ridicule of stupidity that most non-ED followers have. however, she has been trying to lose weight in a general sense for a while now, so the fact that she eats about 500 calories, give or take a 100-200, a day is pretty fucking disconcerting to me.
her control around food makes me want to destroy myself. i want to cut my arms and throw myself against furniture and get punched in the back. i just HATE the utter perfection and normalcy she displays when food is involved. i hate even more how entirely far from that i am! i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself. FUCK this self control she has. i cannot get away from the guilt that haunts me when i see her eating like that. she doesnt get hungry, apparently, or simply doesn't let it move her will to not eat. i always feel like she's judging me when i make a meal. she probably thinks, "gosh--what a gross, fat cow...she's such a food whore, licking up every last drop with her finger and counting out every little jalopeno so she can exploit her calorie count." i feel disgusting around her. i feel like this out-of-control, stupid, ugly bitch.
i hate myself. i want to hurt me. i want to stop this and clear my head through pain.
earlier this week i freaked out when i learned that this fucking squash i'd bought was not the variety i thought it was, and i was therefore abour 400 calories above what i thought i had eaten. i consequenlty ran to the bathroom and purged about 70% of it up. the best/worst part of it was that i hadnt drank any water during the meal, so my throat was STRUGGLING like crazy to heave up these rough, undigested balls of squash. it was disgusting and i had never felt more like i wanted it OUT of me. i didnt want a single calorie of its fattening substance inside my guts. gross. i just kept shoving my fingers down and heaving my stomach muscles to get it fucking hell out of me. it hurt and my throat was in so much pain. and afterwards my eyes were so bloodshot from how much id been straining to purge and my roommate had brought our friend in while i was in the bathroom. so when i came out i felt so exposed, like they knew what i was doing or would assume i had been crying or something. but there was nothing i could do except just endure the potential ridicule. thank goodness no one feels comfortable enough to ask me about it.
anyways, at least that time i felt like i had gotten what i deserved. even if i had over-purged calories i needed, i didnt care. i wanted to be feel pain and be hungry that night. and i think i was slighlty, and totally felt like i deserved it. i just want to feel that punishment again. not the overeating part. gosh no. i dont want to gain weight. but the hurt? yes. yes please. i hate myself.
