i am just overwhelmed by how much i weigh, how much weight ive gained over the last few months, and how i am still controlled by this monster of a fucking eating disorder. why the FUCK cant i get control? why the FUCK cant i even try to eat intuitively? why the FUCKING hell isnt God helping me with this? how the fuck do i control my will and choose, in those fucking moments, to act differently??? i just never can. and im so done.

fuck you bulimia.
fuck you eating disorder.
fuck your burning my throat with acid.
fuck your gnawing at my knuckles.
fuck you bloating my stomach.
fuck your cellulite creation.
fuck your bank account draining.
fuck your acne spurring.
fuck your enamel stripping.
fuck your ruining fucking Easter for me.

poor Danae. poor everyone who has to encounter and deal with this shit that arises from me not being able to get fucking control and choose what i know i should choose. just FUCK THIS SHIT. why the hell cant this ever, ever, ever change? im so tired.

i realized this weekend that its interesting how we binge so hard when we have sisters weekends. i came to realize that if we're going so HAM trying to get numb and overindulge as much as we can, there must be a hell of a lot of emotions were trying to avoid. theres so much we dont want to feel, so much that it propelling us to eat and eat and eat past any point of satiety. why is that?