im sick of recovery. that's why ive been binging and purging and spending, spending, spending money for the last week plus. im just so done. done with recording my food every night. done with sacrificing sleep for exercise. done with getting up early to rush through devotions and fain commitments I know i'll only break after 5pm. im really sick of positive-thinking my way through my blatantly rebellious behavior. im just sick of it. I just want to eat like I used to. three-ish meals a day, with a little heavier snacking on the weekends. control. calm. stability. and just enough carelessness to make it fun.
and yet.
and yet. was it ever really that simple? because I can recall even in 7th grade, hating my body and weighing myself and trying to starve to a few pounds lighter. and the exercise was an obsession. I wasn't cleansed, I had no mental peace until id worked out for the day. and sure I was healthier but I was also more miserable. and less miserable. I could at least attempt to stop. but it was all through self-hate.
I hate the thought that maybe, maybe, I like binging and purging and overeating better than I like recovery. and yet it is there. when im here, staring at the reality of my life and wondering what it is I really want. trying to choose and spending my days absorbed in work and my nights numbing myself up with food and pain. im destroying myself. and I should stop. why am I doing this? do I really like this better? some days I do. and I am terrified. I don't know how to rest outside this eating disorder and I don't know how to rest within it. im stuffed and teary-eyed and lethargic. I cant achieve my goals and I shut friends out just to try to handle any fleck of pain I feel. what am I supposed to do now? I know what I should do. I want to want it. but im so sick of the endless, endless struggle. it is worth it, I know. it is valorous and honorable to pursue it, I know. but Im weak. goddammit im weak! does no one else struggle this way? Abba I cant do it in my own strength! don't You see this? I cant do it! how the fuck am I going to get through a lifetime of this struggle?! I just cant imagine doing it. how could I possibly get through more than 10 years past today?
the paradox is that in rebellion against structure your life falls apart and in its embrace you can only hate its cage of security. the lawless and lawful. the prodigal sons. the drug addict and the pastor's kid. which one, which one? bulimia and anorexia. indulgence and restriction. the only consistent theme is misery. abject, total, all-con-fucking-summing misery. I hate it, God. I hate this sin and I hate obedience. that is it, I think. I hate being obedient.
and I know I probably just damned myself to hell again admitting that but its true and I have nothing else. goals I cant achieve; the weight of the law destroys me. the freedom of forgiveness looses me never stop. what is the point of my existence? of my salvation? I cant do it. and I know im pathetic but I cant. I don't even know how to do it through you, God. I know that salvation was never an act of my own strength and so sanctification shouldn't be either. but I don't even know how to be strong in Your or what in the world walking in the Spirit means. I don't know who else to confess this weakness to. You're not deceived God. Abba, this is everything! this is the terrible, ugly, horrible, pathetic place I am in. what do I do? I am at wit's end. please, make Your strength perfect in my weakness. never let my ego think (assuming things change) that I got myself out. I cant do it, God! I don't love You and I know I should. im not motivated by love for You. I see no reason why You should love me. I cant connect with this love You offer. not when I sin. its empty to me. im dead. dead in myself. and what about when the romance dies again? then what will I do? how can I possibly trust myself when I feel good or when I feel bad?
