I'm back to being unable to eat again. Ugh. There are always these cycles. I hate them...
It's like...I just...can't. I know it sounds stupid and it must look weird to outsiders but. I don't know. Nothing sounds appetizing. I don't care about any of the foods we have in the house. And in fact, just the thought of eating any of them reminds me of all the times I'd purge those exact items into the toilet upstairs. I can hear the sloppy, wet sounds of half-moistened food chunks slapping into the water. I can feel the push of those uneaten balls up through my esophagus and the saliva dripping down my knuckles. And it just makes me not want to eat anything. Even junk food doesn't appeal because all I can think of then are the calories and how disgustingly fat I could get.
I don't know how to get over this. I've never really found a good way to deal with it because normally after a few weeks it passes. I think maybe it's stress-induced. This interview tomorrow and the fear of not finding a job and the unprocessed anxiety of transitioning home from France. All of it I think might be bubbling just beneath the surface. I don't feel stressed but that doesn't mean my subconscious isn't on another page. This type of hunger but lack of appetite is generally a sign that something deeper is amiss.
