loneliness

loneliness overwhelmed me this past weekend. i went with Charity to her hometown and we stayed with her friend. we also visited Ethan and his new eternally present gf and helped them and some other friends who id met before paint a house. and then i met Ethan's parents and Charity and I ate midnight 7-Eleven snacks and went back to her friend's house to sleep. the next morning i snuck breakfast and we had to coerce a dog out of a bedroom with meat and silence so as to not wake her friends' dad who was back from the hospital. and then we went to church and ate Chipotle and shopped at Ross and read at a library. finally we went and watched a movie and played a few games with, essentially, a lot of the same people as the night before. only now there was this guy, Mike, who i had met last fall, and also 3 or 4 new girls who i hadnt met before but one of who ended up knowing the backpacking group from school here. so that was a nice coincidence. i observed and sat in silence and watched and enjoyed people. and i saw Ethan's brother flirt with every girl there and felt amused and humored. and i refused to read his script with him. you know how you can just tell when someone keeps looking at you? yeah, well, during a board game i could feel his eyes on me, but i just continuously avoided eye contact, very purposfully. i kept looking instead at other players (particularly Mike), only occassionally throwing a bemused smirk his way. i will admit it--as its proabably already obvious--i was quite secretly smug and satisfied at having mastered his little game. he is one of the most beautiful men around and every girl seems charmed by his ways. um, hell no. i hate that. seriously, ladies, we are stronger than the cute guy who throws a smile our way. the longer i was with him, the more set i became that i was over this man, perhaps even disliked him a little. pride & prejudice in the making, i suppose.

but while this is all important, it is not the main point. no, the main point lies in how lonely i felt this weekend. it was insane, this utterly overwhelming deep sadness despite lots of people. and, ironically, right after church, when i had just run into Mike again, it was him i desperately wanted to connect with. insane, yes; out of nowhere, absolutely. but i could not help but crave him the entire get together and drive home. it started, i believe, with meeting Ethan's parents. they really threw me on Saturday night. they felt like home and reminded me of my mom and dad and i just wanted to hug Mrs. S and cry into her shoulder and gasp and shake with the loneliness that my sin and deception and guardedness has created. i cannot get close to anyone. and even worse, i hate the thought of it. i realized that this weekend too. i hate the thought of dependency, the thought of need. i love people and relationships and yet i cannot revel in the beauty of them because i cannot fathom making myself vulnerable and humbly admiting an inability to function without another person or persons. family is okay, i guess, a tolerable Achilles heel. but a boy-girl relationship, no. liking someone and becoming obsessed with them and needing them just to breathe--it is insane and i hate it and thoroughly believe that possessing it would destroy me. and so i avoid it, to my detriment; not even just the consequential never having a boyfriend/husband part--rather, the part about my not being able to admit i need God, that i actualy cannot do it all. in my efforts to sculpt my identity into an independent, strong, successful (and single) young lady, i have isolated myself to an island of loneliness and longing and pain. all of this appeared in little sentences of gray thought in mind while sitting at the library on Sunday. and then later that evening it came to me, why i was craving sex with Mike so bad. i am desperate for an intimacy binge. i know, you might think that that sounds ridiculous, but its true. i feel and am so entirely cut off from anyone who knows me that i feel this intensely frightening need to just connect. im not alone simply in the sense of being 30+ hours from home, but also in how literally no one absolutely no soul on earth has a complete view of all the addictions i have and hypocrisy i put up. this facade of strength i have built is the fucking loneliest place i have been and i am desperately, desperately wanting to just get as close as i possibly can to someone i dont know and who i wont have to deal with again. yes, my purpose in wanting to fuck  Mike was entirely selfish and entirely out of pain and evil. there would have been consequences, i know....but im not sure im glad i didnt pursue it (though, of course, seduction is something i am clueless about). but i wanted to. i kept thinking about it, kept lusting after him, wanting to get close and breathe his scent and when the party ended, innocently stay behind to clean up. and then we could kiss and stumble into the bedroom and fuck and i would finally be able to cry the silent, gaping wounds i feel so deeply inside. hopefully he would have a good time. and then we could just lie there and sleep and i could finally, finally feel numb again. and gutted. and whole. at least until the next day.

Mike, i still long for you. not Jacob, you. with your opinions and humor and style and silence. you. i want to get as close i possibly can to all that you are and feel the rush of pain and ecstacy as i discover you. oh how i wish you lived here, how i wish we could become friends. im sure your morals are in actuality what mine only claim to be in church, and, consequently, sex would probably never happen between us. but i want it to. please. please! i dont want to be desperate, i dont want to need others but i do....i need to get close with someone. please help me. gosh. Mike....i am in so much pain.

as we were leaving the party, Mike said bye to me. we had played this mystery case game on the couch, and at one point he got sick of being the only one who knew the answers, so he filled me in so i could help field others' questions. well then later, when Charity and I had to head back, he said, "bye partner in crime!" and i just laughed and said bye too. but my heart was touched and i just wanted to be with him. not necessarily for more flirting or name calling....just to heal. Mike, you looked like healing to me. i wish you would come back. but thank goodness you will be staying far away. i am a viscious, disgusting, revolting monster who would ruin you and suck out any good. i hate that i am that, but its true.

im sorry. im so sorry i cant offer you more.

throw yourself in with passionate curiosity

so tonight im watching the movie Liberal Arts, about this guy who has graduated college and now is a college admissions counselor and basically is depressed and slightly hopeless about his life; anyways, he vists his alma mater one weekend and meets this absolutely amazing sophmore who's there and they begin falling in love. my point in telling you all this is not really romance-related, rather the film has just caused me to question, "why doesn't anyone at Christian schools seem to care about learning itself?" like legitimately, i have not met anyone yet who has actually been really passionate and excited about learning, just LEARNING. gaining knowledge, studying thier passions, pursuing a deeper understanding of things they like. and i now that outwardly, everything i talk about would put me in the same category as these people. but im starting to realize how stupid that is--bceause deep down, i like learning. i like pursuing psychology and business and public speaking. it's painful sometimes, yes, and not always fun. but i like it and im glad to be here, to be in college. im grateful for this time in my life. i want to find other people who approach learning this way too. now, granted, my friends will occassionally highlight things they are enjoying and Sean has said that he enjoys school. but i would say that other than him, 90% of what my friends and i talk about it is how much we are dreading/putting off working on things, how much we wish we had free time, didn't have to apply ourselves. and i hate that attitude. i hate that my friends are okay with just cheating and bullshitting their assignments to get a decent grade. there's a reason i apply myself to my work, beyond the fact that i could never keep my scholarship without doing so. i actually want to learn these concepts and apply my own thoughts to them. i want to be here and i like being here.

i know that if i want to find these things  in others, ive got to start displaying them myself. be the change i want to see, you know? so that's what im going to start doing. no more of this endless complaining and negative talk. im going to be honest about how much i enjoy my work. now yes, i dont want to be annoying or criticize others without ever being sympathetic. but when people ask me what i have to do, from now on i want to give a positive outlook and lead my an authentic example. again, not that things will always be fun and i certainly dont need to lie about that, but what i do enjoy i want to say i enjoy. i want to be part of what i see in so many secular liberal arts schools--a passionate dive into one's education.

it's time to learn. and thank goodness because i cant wait.

ive taped the phrase, "throw yourself in with passionate curiosity" on my desk.  that's what i hope to do.

woven webs of deceit

i cant help but feel like ive entirely lost respect for myself these days. i do not think i deserve to be esteemed in the basic, good-person sense of the word. my actions absolutely suck; i am self-centered, lazy, INDULGENT as heck, a cheater, a liar, not hard working, unfaithful, not committed to goals, a quitter, fat, a binger, a bulimic, a thief...the list could go on for forever. i hate who i am, i hate how easily i give up. i dont like dwelling on the negative or being against myself but gosh dammit i suck! ugh. its disgusting. and consequently, i cant help but feel like absolute shit around other people. i cant help but feel unworthy of their friendship and also internally distressed over what they are attributing me with doing or being. no one knows what a hypocrite i am! i am the most worthless, faking piece of shit. and i hate it. i feel like the incessant acne emerging on my face is a perfect analogy for who i am...the digustingly repulsive crap that has been circulating within my heart over the years is finally bubbling out in its oozing, pussy boils, creeping slowly from beneath my skin until they are unsightly mountains.

i deserve death for who i am. i deserve death for what i do.

God help me, i feel like i cannot get out. here i am again...in the same shit hole, trying and committing and hurting and choosing and caving and binging and purging and slaving. and then repeating it all over again. another semester of expensive, windowless addiction. i dont want to go down this path! and to be fair, i did pretty well this first half of the spring session, with only 3 out of the 8 weeks being bulimic-centered. i can do it again--i need to do it again. i just dont know how. i keep attempting to start and then i get overwhelmed and upset and i cave, with a little reprimendation and reminder that this isnt the real thing yet, 1/2-marathon training is still weeks away and thus this is okay.

what in the world can i do? i dont know how to get out anymore. i dont know how to cope without therapy, without some guideline. and i dont want to recover without Christ. there's no point and even if i could do it, i wouldnt want to.

so basically i need to talk with Pastor Kidd. he's really my only option right now, seeing as how Mom and Dad don't know about the purging element of my ED or my not being a Christian. thus i cant tell them why im not in therapy--i can only lie and say that im getting better and still having sessions with Robbie. and i hate that because id like to be honest with them, but this truth would be too much. it would change too many things; it would destroy them. i cannot tell them....which just sucks. i feel really alone in this deception. har. har. right? oh the fucking webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive...

i wish i could just heal. this is why i so often try to avoid this shit and live as vibrantly as i can for as long as i can. because when i sit down and face it, its all so depressing and tangled that i fear there is no hope for restoration. besides, who wants to acknowledge their life is down the drain? how the fuck do you not kill yourself at that point?

i guess all you have to do is believe in hell...that's what's always stopped me.

gah--enough of this.

a roadblock. or more like road-break.

i just feel so insanely depressed now that therapy has been cut off. my heart is just...dying inside. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry and mourn and stay depressed. i dont want to fucking live! gosh i hate life. but anyways, sorry, i know this sounds really self-pitying and pessimistic, especially when i have so much to be thankful for. i will justify myself when i have the energy.

but today i dont. it was and is extremely weird to think that after spending months talking with a person, sharing with them your deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets that you've never told anyone else before, nearly crying in front of them, being totally, gut-wrenchingly honest about everything, you could just end it all with a handshake and a "thank you." i mean seriously. i just cant move past this...i cant. im heartbroken and devestated and totally off-kilter. i let someone in, deeper than i think i have let anyone else in throughout the course of my entire life, and we're just done now. just fucking done. i feel like throwing up. i have thrown up. and ive binged. today that hell started gradually, with me slowly eating two mushroom english muffin pizzas, but then gained momentum as i scarfed down more and more food. and then i purged, of course. that part lasted for a long time actually. i felt the acid touch my raw throat as i stuck my vomit-covered fingers back inside. another gag. another. another. felt the familiar splash of throw up kiss my foot. saw a tear fall into my mess. hurt and hurt. tried not to think. thought even harder. and then it all repeated itself. its amazing how creative you can become in the kitchen when you have little food and strong binge temptations. so im back to the same shit again, huh? another fucking semester of expensive food addiction. i miss Robbie in an extremely weird way. i feel like i cant cope with how our relationship ended; i dont understand how to just walk away from such a relationship. and part of me feels like we left things without a mutual understanding.

i feel like telling him that the past three weeks i had been binge-free may not have been a good idea. i feel like once he heard that, he just scrapped the whole thing and was like, well, apparently you can change when you want to so 'dont say you cant. and im worried that he feels like i was deceiving him. and his perscription, that i should essentially just decide to eat and run like someone who is always in training, was ridiculous. in his mind, if that's all i need, then i should be set. but i brought up the point that i cant seem to function in in-betweens. im either binging or perfectly perfect, but there's no wiggle room. i personally see that as a problem, but i think he was just like, well hell you're not b/ping so be happy. and even when i brought up that i dont think that style would work because i always return to binging after intense training, and that is in some ways the only way i know how to get through those training weeks, he was just like, well, then you've set yourself up mentally to binge when that's done and if you just didnt ever stop training you would stop binging. i just want to cry...he really doesnt get it. i mean, i think those are valid points, but i also know that i simply dont work like that. i tried to be healthy and think tiger-training-fanatic mindset but still ended up giving in to the Ben and Jerrys and candy and cake and cookies last night. why? because my mind and the part of me that craves binging is like, dude we dont buy it--there's no real goal or commitment here, you're just doing this to do it. so bullshit--give in to the junk! enter weight gain and overeating and purging. i just wish i could start training for that half marathon now. i dont want to wait until March to start--i want to be committed and have success now, while im still in relatively good shape from the 3 weeks of work i did put in. i dont want to gain it back and lose muscle and go ape-shit over food all the time.

i guess im just going to try and be decent, keep crap out of the dorm, and maintain a decent exercise routine. then after spring break, we'll hit it hard with new eating and a 12-week training program. for now, though, im just going to go sign up for that race so i dont lose my spot or my dedication to training for it.

anyways, overall im just super depressed and lethargic and crying and missing lately. hopefully (and most likely) this will pass in time. but for now...it's here. i guess i should go try and get some work done for my classes...

ceasing

i really wish, more so than probably anything else in life, literally, that i just honestly did not exist. not that i could just be dead--because we all know that death just brings you right into your eternal reward--but literally never have been conceived of in the first place. i hate living. i hate having to deal and be responsible and care and choose and try and work and sweat and love and break. i hate having to endure that, day after day, week after week, year after year. what's the point of it all? everything i do i meaningless. seriously, like literally does not make a SINGLE difference in what i ultimately end up like. i could strive for perfection, try my darndest to work hard, enjoy life, gain balance, love deely--but it would matter as much as me endlessly giving in to sin. the total net effect of these actions, or even a combo of them (as my life has been so far): 0. a big, fat 0. so why the fuck should i even get up tomorrow? i just desperately want out. and ive wanted out of life for  a long, long time. if i could...i think i would take myself out of the game, out of reality. i want to be done experiencing and feeling and fighting. not like i have a really hard, painful life or anything like that. gosh no, definitely not; i have a lot to be thankful for and appreciative of. but ultimately none of that will matter; my judgment is already screwed as guilty. and i feel powerless to change. im just....stuck.

im stuck in this same place.

and i have been for years. i cant get out or over or around or through it...im just here again, repeating the same shit and trying like hell to keep things together. i just feel so apathetic--i dont care what happens to me, i dont care. nothing will change and i am doomed, essentially, to the same shitty, fucked up, justified existence in hell. all because of my choices and desires and lust for sin. and yet i can never let go of this haunting inside of me that death awaits...the torment of hell is breathing down my neck. the righteous anger of God is going to consume me for forever unless i stop and accept Christ as my Savior. but i just literally dont know how to do that! what do i do--there are so many roadblocks in my mind....Father God, please help me. please, please help me...

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to about this. Robbie would be good, but i really dont think he has any time considering that there are so, so many students already needing his help and ready to heal. i mean....im ready and really needing to talk. but im not actually ready to change--at least not in anything except maybe my thinking.

i hate that i have to go through all this and even consider it. i wish i could just erase myself. bam. done. gone. never existed and never going to exist. part of my heart feels sad, like i would miss the good things in life, i would miss the people i love. but if i truly were entirely removed from the equation, i would not be in people's lives and unlike It's a Wonderful Life, those people would be thriving and happy and sufficient in the world they have. think, in some ways, of all the lives that we already think may have ended too soon or never really started. everybody, hurt as they may be, is still getting along. i guess what im saying is you dont miss what youve never had. people would be fine wihout me. yes, the world would be fine--maybe even better--without me.

if only i knew how to cease...if only i knew how to erase myself entirely.

i cant surrender to Someone i dont trust

i am bitter about my childhood. i am bitter about the ideas i had that drove me to incessant obsession. i am angry that no one stopped me. i am angry that i couldnt even let anyone help me, that i couldnt trust anyone ecxept my own ideas. i am heartbroken over how insane i became over my honest desire just to be saved. i wanted it and sought it and prayed and cried over it. i fought the temptation of suicide in third grade. and i was guilty as hell over the Things I Did. my thougths were assualted and haunted by it, and i felt like i couldn't get any relief. i was addicted and angry at others trying to help me and yet desperately wanting to get out. for those of you who hate self-pity, im sorry but i dont care. my childhood saddens me. i trusted something, Somone and yet no matter how much i attempted to get close to Him my OCD-oriented mind could not escape my own hellish torment. i was plauged and exhausted by my own ideas. and i hate that that happened and feel entirely unable to come anywhere clsoe to getting over it. i just cant let go it. and i cant imagine ever going back. i dont want to say i refuse, but part of me already does. i wont go back to ignorance, to blind faith. i will not hurt myself again by subjecting my mind to such pain and assailing harrasment as occurred when i was a child. i wont let myself get hurt again by trusting something so blindly, by holding to an idea so tightly.

God help me. forgive me. i wish this weren't the case, but it is. i feel entirely unable to forgive, trust, or see Your hand in any of this. i dont know where You were and thus i feel like i cant let you in now. i dont trust You. i dont trust. for what happened then and for what i see happening in the Church now. i just feel like there's no standard, there's no consisteny, and there's no security. i cant let down my guard and fall into something so unstable, so uncontrolled. im sorry. please help me, God! please help me to trust! i need to but i have no idea how to get there. i feel trapped; i feel like my destiny is sealed. please, please God. if its not too late will You help me? i dont know what to do.

i mourn over how much i am like, Susan, God. i see her in myself, in my unwillingess to trust anything other than logic. how stupid and foolish i am! i feel like i want You to be safe. but as i know, "'Course He's not safe! But He's good. He's the King." You are not safe but You are good. You are good, God. perhaps if nothing else i can at least believe and agree and trust that. You are thoroughly good. i dont know why You would have let me go throught that as a child. i dont know if maybe i was still in the wrong, even though i didnt know it. and maybe im getting too caught up in things that, ultimately, do not matter so much as what i do now matters. maybe the point is that i wont know, but that was a season which i can/have grown beyond now and thus need to stop dwelling on. i just fear that things would be a repeat. i dont know how to ensure that they're not. i dont even know how to desire You and Your goodness. i feel like in my sinfulness now i cant. i feel so, so, so beyond You, Lord Jesus Christ. i feel so far gone. i dont know how to get or come back. please God, can You help me? can You change my heart and bring me back? can You show me how to trust? can You soften my heart towards You? right now i cant even say that i want You to do it because im scared that that would mean You'd begin to manipulate my mind and id get tricked into coming back...if i dont trust You, i cant ask to be made to surrender to You. its simply not possible for me to let that go. once i think i can trust....well, wait, i dont know. i dont know how i will ever get there without Your help. please, God...i dont even know what to pray anymore. im lost. im gone. i have no idea what i should do.

my time is ticking....

training the hell out of fear

tomorrow marks the start of both a new semester and the beginning of my half-marathon training. i will be honest--im scared as hell about what's about to take place over the next ten weeks. im really afraid of where my mind's going to go. with INSANITY, it got pretty freaking screwed up. i was a wreck by the end of that shit. seriously crazy in the head with my obsession over food. i was so....insane. literally. har har. and here i am again, same exact time of year, same amount of money, same (or nearly identical) food plan, and same crazy determination to beat the fuck out of the fat suctioned in lumpy craters around my thighs and butt. in so many ways things are a mirror image of the way that they were before.

yet they are not identical.

despite my fears and worries and wonderings, things are still not exactly the same. for one thing, i will be a lot busier with other things than strictly school, work, church, and INSANTY. im on campus, in a community of people, with friends and other adventerous things to keep me occupied. i plan to be volunteering, join ENACTUS, and...yeah. ;) im also taking more credits, for longer, than i was last spring semester. furthermore, i am not doing this program alone, i will be training (even if only via the web) with Ethan. so that should not only keep things a little more fun, but also provide motivation and clear thinking. im training for a goal, for a specific future event, not just random fitness. the point of doing this type of trianing, with its tapering off the last two weeks, is to prepare me to run a half marathon on St. Patricks Day; 13.1 miles. and i am excited and thrilled and passionate about accomplishing that. i want to earn the right to say ive run that before. have thousands of other people done it before me in better shape and in much shorter time? yes. absolutely. but that's not the point and that's not why im training. im in this to run--long and hard and far, day after day, blister after blister. also, things are not the same as before because im not eating quite as strictly as before. im allowing myself two 300-calorie indulgences a week, as opposed to only one previously. i wont be at home this time, watching my family eat hundreds more calories than me repeatedly every meal. i have my own schedule here at college, i control what foods i buy, what will sit in front of me at each fuel-time throughout the day.

so it will be okay, i think. because things will not be exactly the same. they may go better and they may go hellishly worse. i dont know. that's why im doing this--to journey through such an adeventure. i want to learn about myself things i didnt know or understand. i want clarity. i want to push myself and survive. i want to hurt and long and lust and say no, just ot say no. i want to push and push and keep pushing even when id rather die and binge and run away from it all. so that's what these next ten weeks of training are about. here's to training mean and eating clean for the half marathon race! to endurance! *cheers*