to......rn

im lying in bed, looking at the crack that runs along the ceiling.
i realize that ive never lain up here and stared with lights on before.
im reading a novel about a young Asian girl
identity. addiction. monotony. fucking. and a yawning opening of want.
my roommate showered.
lethargically she strolls out of the bathroom now
"it smells like bacon" she says.
no, it smells like vomit, i think. that's vomit, not bacon you're sensing.
seven hours ago i was wearing my favorite pair of jeans.
now, with an unexpected hole of humiliation, they're lying in the garbage,
absorbing that vomit and blocking its wafting aroma.

binge.
binge binge binge.
binge until you want nothing more than to hurl it all out.
purge. purge until tears and snot run together over your upside down nose.
binge and binge.
purge until your knuckles glow cherry-flushed.
binge.
loop your hair into a half-hazard pony again.
purge.

a choice to make.
one that will be made for me if i avoid deciding for too long.
one that i have to literally pick a side on.
not a school project.
not a shiny front to put up in small group.
not a plan to discipline my mind into obeying.
quiet, personal, south dakato-baren choice.
but i cant decide.

i sigh.
fuck--another audible noise.
"you okay?" my roommate asks.
"just torn"
"do you want a band-aid? i have one."
"i do, but itd be one that id have to choose to make"
"you want to talk about it or keep it to yourself?"
i appreciate that.
"yeah its just something ive been thinking about."

i hate that this is really my life.
Robbie's right.
ive got to choose.
fucking hell
ive really got to choose.
i cant do it.
i know what i want to want to choose.
but i cant just want to want it.
i have to want it.
i have to literally give it up.

i cant.
oh God, but i cant!
i cant do it.
shit.
God, i cant do it.
i literally cannot give up these desires.
God if this mindset of mine ever changes for good, You get the credit.
i testify
here
now
i feel entirely unable to choose the good.
its literally 50.50
but so long as its even 99.1 i will not be able to do any different.
fucked.
screwed.
on a path to destruction.
and its all so fucking real.

barbed

it is amazing to me how subtly an addiction can ensnare a life. that is not to say that it happens quickly, just effectively. you concede and concede and concede to what you think are things you want more than anything else. but ultimately it never satisfies, not in the way you think it will. and no matter how many times you go through yet another round of gluttony, you're still left with the same thoughts, the same realizations, the same acknowledgment that this has got to stop because you're getting nowhere. and that tenacity to quit will last until the sensual lust of temptation overwhelms your mind and breaks your will, and again and again and again you find yourself caving. like tonight, i had spaghetti for dinner with mozzerella cheese. and all i can think about is how desperately i wish i were alone so that i could eat another 2 or 3 bowls of it. i just cravvvveee it so badly; i want it and need and feel as though i would do anything to get my hands on it. i cant stop and dont want to stop...but i know that fall break allotted me an opportunity to do just that. and what happened? i indulged and purged and indulged and purged and spent money by myself in a dorm room for three days until i literally felt like i was losing touch with reality. of course, now, however, all i can remember is how i could eat whatever i wanted for however long i wanted and it was soooo good!!!! i see this paradox, i see how manipulated my thinking is, but still i yearn and would instantly take a chance to do it all again.

it is insanely sad how strongly the hooks of a food addiction have ravaged my life and prevented me, by my own choices, from doing what i should have, indeed, what i must. just some thoughts