barbed

it is amazing to me how subtly an addiction can ensnare a life. that is not to say that it happens quickly, just effectively. you concede and concede and concede to what you think are things you want more than anything else. but ultimately it never satisfies, not in the way you think it will. and no matter how many times you go through yet another round of gluttony, you're still left with the same thoughts, the same realizations, the same acknowledgment that this has got to stop because you're getting nowhere. and that tenacity to quit will last until the sensual lust of temptation overwhelms your mind and breaks your will, and again and again and again you find yourself caving. like tonight, i had spaghetti for dinner with mozzerella cheese. and all i can think about is how desperately i wish i were alone so that i could eat another 2 or 3 bowls of it. i just cravvvveee it so badly; i want it and need and feel as though i would do anything to get my hands on it. i cant stop and dont want to stop...but i know that fall break allotted me an opportunity to do just that. and what happened? i indulged and purged and indulged and purged and spent money by myself in a dorm room for three days until i literally felt like i was losing touch with reality. of course, now, however, all i can remember is how i could eat whatever i wanted for however long i wanted and it was soooo good!!!! i see this paradox, i see how manipulated my thinking is, but still i yearn and would instantly take a chance to do it all again.

it is insanely sad how strongly the hooks of a food addiction have ravaged my life and prevented me, by my own choices, from doing what i should have, indeed, what i must. just some thoughts