loneliness

loneliness overwhelmed me this past weekend. i went with Charity to her hometown and we stayed with her friend. we also visited Ethan and his new eternally present gf and helped them and some other friends who id met before paint a house. and then i met Ethan's parents and Charity and I ate midnight 7-Eleven snacks and went back to her friend's house to sleep. the next morning i snuck breakfast and we had to coerce a dog out of a bedroom with meat and silence so as to not wake her friends' dad who was back from the hospital. and then we went to church and ate Chipotle and shopped at Ross and read at a library. finally we went and watched a movie and played a few games with, essentially, a lot of the same people as the night before. only now there was this guy, Mike, who i had met last fall, and also 3 or 4 new girls who i hadnt met before but one of who ended up knowing the backpacking group from school here. so that was a nice coincidence. i observed and sat in silence and watched and enjoyed people. and i saw Ethan's brother flirt with every girl there and felt amused and humored. and i refused to read his script with him. you know how you can just tell when someone keeps looking at you? yeah, well, during a board game i could feel his eyes on me, but i just continuously avoided eye contact, very purposfully. i kept looking instead at other players (particularly Mike), only occassionally throwing a bemused smirk his way. i will admit it--as its proabably already obvious--i was quite secretly smug and satisfied at having mastered his little game. he is one of the most beautiful men around and every girl seems charmed by his ways. um, hell no. i hate that. seriously, ladies, we are stronger than the cute guy who throws a smile our way. the longer i was with him, the more set i became that i was over this man, perhaps even disliked him a little. pride & prejudice in the making, i suppose.

but while this is all important, it is not the main point. no, the main point lies in how lonely i felt this weekend. it was insane, this utterly overwhelming deep sadness despite lots of people. and, ironically, right after church, when i had just run into Mike again, it was him i desperately wanted to connect with. insane, yes; out of nowhere, absolutely. but i could not help but crave him the entire get together and drive home. it started, i believe, with meeting Ethan's parents. they really threw me on Saturday night. they felt like home and reminded me of my mom and dad and i just wanted to hug Mrs. S and cry into her shoulder and gasp and shake with the loneliness that my sin and deception and guardedness has created. i cannot get close to anyone. and even worse, i hate the thought of it. i realized that this weekend too. i hate the thought of dependency, the thought of need. i love people and relationships and yet i cannot revel in the beauty of them because i cannot fathom making myself vulnerable and humbly admiting an inability to function without another person or persons. family is okay, i guess, a tolerable Achilles heel. but a boy-girl relationship, no. liking someone and becoming obsessed with them and needing them just to breathe--it is insane and i hate it and thoroughly believe that possessing it would destroy me. and so i avoid it, to my detriment; not even just the consequential never having a boyfriend/husband part--rather, the part about my not being able to admit i need God, that i actualy cannot do it all. in my efforts to sculpt my identity into an independent, strong, successful (and single) young lady, i have isolated myself to an island of loneliness and longing and pain. all of this appeared in little sentences of gray thought in mind while sitting at the library on Sunday. and then later that evening it came to me, why i was craving sex with Mike so bad. i am desperate for an intimacy binge. i know, you might think that that sounds ridiculous, but its true. i feel and am so entirely cut off from anyone who knows me that i feel this intensely frightening need to just connect. im not alone simply in the sense of being 30+ hours from home, but also in how literally no one absolutely no soul on earth has a complete view of all the addictions i have and hypocrisy i put up. this facade of strength i have built is the fucking loneliest place i have been and i am desperately, desperately wanting to just get as close as i possibly can to someone i dont know and who i wont have to deal with again. yes, my purpose in wanting to fuck  Mike was entirely selfish and entirely out of pain and evil. there would have been consequences, i know....but im not sure im glad i didnt pursue it (though, of course, seduction is something i am clueless about). but i wanted to. i kept thinking about it, kept lusting after him, wanting to get close and breathe his scent and when the party ended, innocently stay behind to clean up. and then we could kiss and stumble into the bedroom and fuck and i would finally be able to cry the silent, gaping wounds i feel so deeply inside. hopefully he would have a good time. and then we could just lie there and sleep and i could finally, finally feel numb again. and gutted. and whole. at least until the next day.

Mike, i still long for you. not Jacob, you. with your opinions and humor and style and silence. you. i want to get as close i possibly can to all that you are and feel the rush of pain and ecstacy as i discover you. oh how i wish you lived here, how i wish we could become friends. im sure your morals are in actuality what mine only claim to be in church, and, consequently, sex would probably never happen between us. but i want it to. please. please! i dont want to be desperate, i dont want to need others but i do....i need to get close with someone. please help me. gosh. Mike....i am in so much pain.

as we were leaving the party, Mike said bye to me. we had played this mystery case game on the couch, and at one point he got sick of being the only one who knew the answers, so he filled me in so i could help field others' questions. well then later, when Charity and I had to head back, he said, "bye partner in crime!" and i just laughed and said bye too. but my heart was touched and i just wanted to be with him. not necessarily for more flirting or name calling....just to heal. Mike, you looked like healing to me. i wish you would come back. but thank goodness you will be staying far away. i am a viscious, disgusting, revolting monster who would ruin you and suck out any good. i hate that i am that, but its true.

im sorry. im so sorry i cant offer you more.

throw yourself in with passionate curiosity

so tonight im watching the movie Liberal Arts, about this guy who has graduated college and now is a college admissions counselor and basically is depressed and slightly hopeless about his life; anyways, he vists his alma mater one weekend and meets this absolutely amazing sophmore who's there and they begin falling in love. my point in telling you all this is not really romance-related, rather the film has just caused me to question, "why doesn't anyone at Christian schools seem to care about learning itself?" like legitimately, i have not met anyone yet who has actually been really passionate and excited about learning, just LEARNING. gaining knowledge, studying thier passions, pursuing a deeper understanding of things they like. and i now that outwardly, everything i talk about would put me in the same category as these people. but im starting to realize how stupid that is--bceause deep down, i like learning. i like pursuing psychology and business and public speaking. it's painful sometimes, yes, and not always fun. but i like it and im glad to be here, to be in college. im grateful for this time in my life. i want to find other people who approach learning this way too. now, granted, my friends will occassionally highlight things they are enjoying and Sean has said that he enjoys school. but i would say that other than him, 90% of what my friends and i talk about it is how much we are dreading/putting off working on things, how much we wish we had free time, didn't have to apply ourselves. and i hate that attitude. i hate that my friends are okay with just cheating and bullshitting their assignments to get a decent grade. there's a reason i apply myself to my work, beyond the fact that i could never keep my scholarship without doing so. i actually want to learn these concepts and apply my own thoughts to them. i want to be here and i like being here.

i know that if i want to find these things  in others, ive got to start displaying them myself. be the change i want to see, you know? so that's what im going to start doing. no more of this endless complaining and negative talk. im going to be honest about how much i enjoy my work. now yes, i dont want to be annoying or criticize others without ever being sympathetic. but when people ask me what i have to do, from now on i want to give a positive outlook and lead my an authentic example. again, not that things will always be fun and i certainly dont need to lie about that, but what i do enjoy i want to say i enjoy. i want to be part of what i see in so many secular liberal arts schools--a passionate dive into one's education.

it's time to learn. and thank goodness because i cant wait.

ive taped the phrase, "throw yourself in with passionate curiosity" on my desk.  that's what i hope to do.