hello again.
ive realized that I repeatedly write on this blog when I am depressed, stressed, or on the verge of wanting-yet-not-seriously-considering suicide. ahhh. drama. :/ sorry. but I guess its a sign that this blog is clearly a stress outlet for me. so that's good.
anyways. today the sob story comes after a weekend in which E and I were able to chat at least a little bit. mainly I just asked her questions about her transition from obsession to reassurance/where she is in terms of Christianity. I was actually prepared to open the can of worms and talk about all the deep, bleak, uncomfortable lies I needed to tell someone. I was going to go there, but things didn't go as planned and our time alone together was horribly, horribly short. so I sort of just had to accept that and try to get as much from her as I wanted to know/could without explicitly stating the hundreds of reasons behind why I truly wanted to know those things.
today (and really the last 3 or so days) I have had serious body hate. like I just HATE my fucking fat body. this little lard cone that is my humongo butt and thighs. I get terrified every single time I have to put on my work uniform because last Friday my worst nightmare came true--my dress pants were too tight because I had lost control around food and all my binging had finally caught up: i.e. Id clearly gained weight. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. I hate gaining weight. I hate being forced to wear pants that are going to be too tight. it feels nearly impossible to let myself try and make progress with intuitive eating because im so terrified that if I gained any more weight or forgave myself for binging things would spiral out of control even more and my pants would DEFINITELY not fit, but because I don't have $30 to go buy a larger size, id be stuck wearing them. and im also so uncomfortable because of my weight/the realities of the gains that I want comfort and thus food.
I need so much fucking help its insane.
all I want to do now, of course, is go on a healthy diet like I did with my half marathon. I want to go extreme. focus on my workouts, set my calorie limit and ban sugars, processed foods, etc. even knowing as I do now that such behavior will only ultimately end with the same weight gain as I had lost, I still want to do it. I want to be thin at least for a while. that's better than not being thin at all and only gaining, gaining, gaining weight.
but that's not truly what I want to do. no, what I really want is to keep/start making progress in recovery and intuitive eating. I want to finally be done with this half-life of eating disorders. but that means facing very dark, deep things of my past. it means going through what I mentally picture as about 7-9 huge bins of old, dusty files. and then...I don't know...having to retype every page into a computer or something. but I am even willing to do this! I am willing to dig and hurt and cry and work through this all. however, I honestly do not think or know how to begin doing it alone. I need help. I need someone to assist me in sorting through it all. where do I start? which bin? the more I think about these things, the more revelation I gain about what how my past correlates with my current state and the development of my eating disorder. so its good to rehash it, I know, but still. who can I ask for help? what if I tell E and then we never talk about it again, like my bulimia? I couldn't handle that. I need someone who will not abandon me to these problems but will take my hand, inhale slowly, and then say with quiet strength and confidence, "let's go." and we will step into the journey together. I need a friend.
I was reading earlier today about suicidal thoughts in children. can they legitimately experience them? and of course, the answer was yes. yes, they can. and if they are expressed, they should be taken seriously and acted on immediately. they are often a voice to the child's desperate need for help; the child most likely feels that he or she is in such a bleak situation that they cannot see any way things could possibly get better. they come to believe that death is the only possible answer or way of escape. yes to all of that.
alright, I think that's all for now. im just gambling away with my body and health and future. I really want to talk with E about all of this.
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