we have reached our final destination

well, im depressed again. last night was particularly terrible but I can feel myself sliding back into the hole again today. all I could think of yesterday while washing the dishes was "god forbid the day hope comes back into my life." I just want to be done.

I. just. want. to. be. done. Please.

I hate life; I really do. I know, that's so preteen-y and emo-ish. uahhh. what a wimp, grow up, blah blah blah. but I don't really feel the need for attention or to whine. If I could, I would just silently raise my hand, and tell the teacher I need to leave now; then id slip to the back of the room, grab my poison and quietly exit out the door.

this is why I feel like I relate to movies about depressed, loner individuals so much, including ex-military men. I crave them because its like I am them. I feel safe when I watch them observing life. suffocation is comforting to share with another. though i guess in some ways its not, because my roommate has also been really depressed lately and sometimes I feel like between the two of us there is no air in this dorm to breathe.

I read this quote on pinterest the other day that said the way people around you feel about themselves is a good indication of how you make others feel. and I just thought, well shit, im fucked then, aren't I? because I continually seem to attract people who end up in a stuck, limbo-ish stage of flagellation. endlessly puttering around, trying to find something useful to do.

that's the thing, really. I wish I had a sense of purpose for life. laying in my bath last night, all I could think of is why. why, God, am I here, honestly? because I see no point and I wish I was never created. but on some low level I guess I believe that He has a purpose for everyone. so is there hope for me? could I ever find mine?

I put away the kitchen scissors last night and was tempted at the fond memories of cutting my flesh. there's a reason you do things like that; theres a reason you get so desperate. If I cant kill myself--which, trust me, is possibly more hopeless than actually contemplating it--then I gotta find some way to cope, some way to function. my dream life would be living alone in an apartment, holding a steady job, and owning a car. then I can just get up, got to work, starve all day and then come home and buy 5000 boxes of junk food. and I can binge and purge and binge and purge until I am inside out. and finally, after enough weeks have passed, I can be done.

im so sick of trying. im so sick of going on the little trolley track around my emotions. fuck I hate life turns into oh looks its sunny and there are people I like living into im so stressed I cant fucking think straight to thank god my works partially done to oh great, here we are again, back to fuck I hate life. round and round the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel.

ive been thinking too about what A posted as his FB status the other day. how life is entirely what you make of it, no victim-mentality, go out there and get what you want. and I would agree most of the time. except here. except when your soul is a Russian wasteland and you would rather die than reach another fucking accomplishment. whoopy-dee-fucking-do.

every day I feel like I get hit by these realizations that most people really, really don't like me. im not even sure my family would be friends with me if they didn't have to by blood. I feel like I have no one. and I feel like no one, justifiably so, gives a damn about that.

right. so. should we pretend through another day? oh my little whore...of course. isn't that what you've been doing all along?

Tension Heartache

I don't understand why A and I are being so hostile towards each other right now. There's tension between us--I can feel it. And judging from his text yesterday, he senses this friction as well. I just hate that this is happening because I don't understand why it's happening! Seriously. I respect A, I appreciate his leadership, I think he handles things well; I like his personality, I think he's nice, I think he's a hard worker. So why the hell do I just recoil around him? We do not talk to one another; like...ever. Unless there's a project or something Enactus-related to discuss. Beyond that we're just silent and we don't even freaking LOOK at each other! Like, seriously? Seriously? What is up with that?

Why why why is this happening? Ugh.

Okay, so when did I first notice this? I guess after I realized that other girls really liked him and I, consequently, did not like him as much. I felt like, okay, reality check--there's 700 other beautiful women here who he is flirting with and paying attention to and I am not one of them. That was okay, that was manageable. I started transitioning then to being more business-y around him, being a good co-worker, applying myself to our projects. I felt like we worked well together and I was happy/proud to be on a team with him. He and Jake were praising my work, which was like the sweetest healing balm to my performance-centered self ever. Oh it was so good! And then...then what? I guess, that fire for liking him cooled reallyyy fast and I was suddenly reminding myself constantly of how much I didn't like him beyond looks. Maybe I took that too far--because the next thing I recall after that was dinner with Dr. Baugus/the team in which we hardly talked at all. And then this week came and then yesterday happened.

Yesterday was sort of the pinnacle (at least until this morning haha). I just could feel this irritation--concealed as it was--radiating towards me from A at the meeting. He sort of seemed to be projecting it towards everyone, but it was there. And then he asked for someone to write up this report which I leaped at the chance to do because  a.) it needed to be done and b.) I was pretty confident I could impress someone with my writing skills. Also c.) I have a sick desire to break my back over too-high expectations for myself. And A just let me; he handed me the project and basically said yeah okay get it done. So I left, and then later saw him in class, where he didn't seem to have a problem with Mar-Mar or any other classmates, just me. I asked him what time he needed the report finished by. He said noon Friday and threw in a reminder to ask for help if I needed to. I kind of gave him the mental middle finger at that point...which wasn't fair. He was giving good advice and I was choosing to pridefully bear the burden alone. Who the hell should I ask for help, huh, A? I wanted to spit.Who exactly are you imagining has time for this? Seriously? No one else does. Anyways, whatever, I brushed that off as my own issue that I needed to get over--A was fine. (Which I still think was true...)

Well then last night he texted me and apologized for coming across as arrogant or snippy--which MELTED MY HEART. Literally. I just sat in my chair and dissolved in his kindness. Then I replied back with a fellow apology and things seemed good. We were set. We'd see each other today at IHOP for the meeting.  Hope, rainbows, fuzzy bunnies--things would be perfect between us now.

Uh, no. Hell no. This morning was fine, we were civil and nice to one another. But that's it. And I could still sense this...this nagging avoidance. I don't know--maybe it was just me! I mean, really, it probably was. But after A acknowledged things from yesterday I'm slightly doubting that I was the only one who felt this. Thank goodness J was there because he kind of acted like a mediator between us and kept things lively. But we didn't look at each other and we didn't discuss anything except how he now has realized that I shouldn't be writing this report--the PM's should be. Okay....ok. Glad that's off my plate, I guess, but also not glad because now I can't show off and I also can't earn his approval by coming through on that. Now I have to find some other way of winning his favor, proving that I am enough, that I can do enough and do it well enough to be worthwhile to our team.

Ugh. I have a headache. I don't know what to do about this. I don't know if this is all in my head, if it even matters, if it will just pass with time. I don't know. But I hate it--I don't want our team to be divided like this! I don't want to act this way towards A! I want us to thrive and live in community and get along well. But we don't. And I feel like that's not normally my style, even if it is a mere personality difference between me and someone else. I sort of want to tell J about this confidentially; just mention that I can't figure out what's going on, but I sense this and I would like prayer for overcoming it/receiving clarity. I really don't want this to continue; I'd like to have fun working with A and feel relaxed around him but I don't. Maybe this is just me being a selfish bitch who expects to have her fur petted (har har punny)/life affirmed every time she does something good for the team. Stupid. But possibly the cause, which is in some ways reassuring. If I know what it is , then I can change.