Tension Heartache

I don't understand why A and I are being so hostile towards each other right now. There's tension between us--I can feel it. And judging from his text yesterday, he senses this friction as well. I just hate that this is happening because I don't understand why it's happening! Seriously. I respect A, I appreciate his leadership, I think he handles things well; I like his personality, I think he's nice, I think he's a hard worker. So why the hell do I just recoil around him? We do not talk to one another; like...ever. Unless there's a project or something Enactus-related to discuss. Beyond that we're just silent and we don't even freaking LOOK at each other! Like, seriously? Seriously? What is up with that?

Why why why is this happening? Ugh.

Okay, so when did I first notice this? I guess after I realized that other girls really liked him and I, consequently, did not like him as much. I felt like, okay, reality check--there's 700 other beautiful women here who he is flirting with and paying attention to and I am not one of them. That was okay, that was manageable. I started transitioning then to being more business-y around him, being a good co-worker, applying myself to our projects. I felt like we worked well together and I was happy/proud to be on a team with him. He and Jake were praising my work, which was like the sweetest healing balm to my performance-centered self ever. Oh it was so good! And then...then what? I guess, that fire for liking him cooled reallyyy fast and I was suddenly reminding myself constantly of how much I didn't like him beyond looks. Maybe I took that too far--because the next thing I recall after that was dinner with Dr. Baugus/the team in which we hardly talked at all. And then this week came and then yesterday happened.

Yesterday was sort of the pinnacle (at least until this morning haha). I just could feel this irritation--concealed as it was--radiating towards me from A at the meeting. He sort of seemed to be projecting it towards everyone, but it was there. And then he asked for someone to write up this report which I leaped at the chance to do because  a.) it needed to be done and b.) I was pretty confident I could impress someone with my writing skills. Also c.) I have a sick desire to break my back over too-high expectations for myself. And A just let me; he handed me the project and basically said yeah okay get it done. So I left, and then later saw him in class, where he didn't seem to have a problem with Mar-Mar or any other classmates, just me. I asked him what time he needed the report finished by. He said noon Friday and threw in a reminder to ask for help if I needed to. I kind of gave him the mental middle finger at that point...which wasn't fair. He was giving good advice and I was choosing to pridefully bear the burden alone. Who the hell should I ask for help, huh, A? I wanted to spit.Who exactly are you imagining has time for this? Seriously? No one else does. Anyways, whatever, I brushed that off as my own issue that I needed to get over--A was fine. (Which I still think was true...)

Well then last night he texted me and apologized for coming across as arrogant or snippy--which MELTED MY HEART. Literally. I just sat in my chair and dissolved in his kindness. Then I replied back with a fellow apology and things seemed good. We were set. We'd see each other today at IHOP for the meeting.  Hope, rainbows, fuzzy bunnies--things would be perfect between us now.

Uh, no. Hell no. This morning was fine, we were civil and nice to one another. But that's it. And I could still sense this...this nagging avoidance. I don't know--maybe it was just me! I mean, really, it probably was. But after A acknowledged things from yesterday I'm slightly doubting that I was the only one who felt this. Thank goodness J was there because he kind of acted like a mediator between us and kept things lively. But we didn't look at each other and we didn't discuss anything except how he now has realized that I shouldn't be writing this report--the PM's should be. Okay....ok. Glad that's off my plate, I guess, but also not glad because now I can't show off and I also can't earn his approval by coming through on that. Now I have to find some other way of winning his favor, proving that I am enough, that I can do enough and do it well enough to be worthwhile to our team.

Ugh. I have a headache. I don't know what to do about this. I don't know if this is all in my head, if it even matters, if it will just pass with time. I don't know. But I hate it--I don't want our team to be divided like this! I don't want to act this way towards A! I want us to thrive and live in community and get along well. But we don't. And I feel like that's not normally my style, even if it is a mere personality difference between me and someone else. I sort of want to tell J about this confidentially; just mention that I can't figure out what's going on, but I sense this and I would like prayer for overcoming it/receiving clarity. I really don't want this to continue; I'd like to have fun working with A and feel relaxed around him but I don't. Maybe this is just me being a selfish bitch who expects to have her fur petted (har har punny)/life affirmed every time she does something good for the team. Stupid. But possibly the cause, which is in some ways reassuring. If I know what it is , then I can change.