who can plan success

im sick of recovery. that's why ive been binging and purging and spending, spending, spending money for the last week plus. im just so done. done with recording my food every night. done with sacrificing sleep for exercise. done with getting up early to rush through devotions and fain commitments I know i'll only break after 5pm. im really sick of positive-thinking my way through my blatantly rebellious behavior. im just sick of it. I just want to eat like I used to. three-ish meals a day, with a little heavier snacking on the weekends. control. calm. stability. and just enough carelessness to make it fun.


and yet.


and yet. was it ever really that simple? because I can recall even in 7th grade, hating my body and weighing myself and trying to starve to a few pounds lighter. and the exercise was an obsession. I wasn't cleansed, I had no mental peace until id worked out for the day. and sure I was healthier but I was also more miserable. and less miserable. I could at least attempt to stop. but it was all through self-hate.


I hate the thought that maybe, maybe, I like binging and purging and overeating better than I like recovery. and yet it is there. when im here, staring at the reality of my life and wondering what it is I really want. trying to choose and spending my days absorbed in work and my nights numbing myself up with food and pain. im destroying myself. and I should stop. why am I doing this? do I really like this better? some days I do. and I am terrified. I don't know how to rest outside this eating disorder and I don't know how to rest within it. im stuffed and teary-eyed and lethargic. I cant achieve my goals and I shut friends out just to try to handle any fleck of pain I feel. what am I supposed to do now? I know what I should do. I want to want it. but im so sick of the endless, endless struggle. it is worth it, I know. it is valorous and honorable to pursue it, I know. but Im weak. goddammit im weak! does no one else struggle this way? Abba I cant do it in my own strength! don't You see this? I cant do it! how the fuck am I going to get through a lifetime of this struggle?! I just cant imagine doing it. how could I possibly get through more than 10 years past today?


the paradox is that in rebellion against structure your life falls apart and in its embrace you can only hate its cage of security. the lawless and lawful. the prodigal sons. the drug addict and the pastor's kid. which one, which one? bulimia and anorexia. indulgence and restriction. the only consistent theme is misery. abject, total, all-con-fucking-summing misery. I hate it, God. I hate this sin and I hate obedience. that is it, I think. I hate being obedient.


and I know I probably just damned myself to hell again admitting that but its true and I have nothing else. goals I cant achieve; the weight of the law destroys me. the freedom of forgiveness looses me never stop. what is the point of my existence? of my salvation? I cant do it. and I know im pathetic but I cant. I don't even know how to do it through you, God. I know that salvation was never an act of my own strength and so sanctification shouldn't be either. but I don't even know how to be strong in Your or what in the world walking in the Spirit means. I don't know who else to confess this weakness to. You're not deceived God. Abba, this is everything! this is the terrible, ugly, horrible, pathetic place I am in. what do I do? I am at wit's end. please, make Your strength perfect in my weakness. never let my ego think (assuming things change) that I got myself out. I cant do it, God! I don't love You and I know I should. im not motivated by love for You. I see no reason why You should love me. I cant connect with this love You offer. not when I sin. its empty to me. im dead. dead in myself. and what about when the romance dies again?  then what will I do? how can I possibly trust myself when I feel good or when I feel bad?

i am just overwhelmed by how much i weigh, how much weight ive gained over the last few months, and how i am still controlled by this monster of a fucking eating disorder. why the FUCK cant i get control? why the FUCK cant i even try to eat intuitively? why the FUCKING hell isnt God helping me with this? how the fuck do i control my will and choose, in those fucking moments, to act differently??? i just never can. and im so done.

fuck you bulimia.
fuck you eating disorder.
fuck your burning my throat with acid.
fuck your gnawing at my knuckles.
fuck you bloating my stomach.
fuck your cellulite creation.
fuck your bank account draining.
fuck your acne spurring.
fuck your enamel stripping.
fuck your ruining fucking Easter for me.

poor Danae. poor everyone who has to encounter and deal with this shit that arises from me not being able to get fucking control and choose what i know i should choose. just FUCK THIS SHIT. why the hell cant this ever, ever, ever change? im so tired.

i realized this weekend that its interesting how we binge so hard when we have sisters weekends. i came to realize that if we're going so HAM trying to get numb and overindulge as much as we can, there must be a hell of a lot of emotions were trying to avoid. theres so much we dont want to feel, so much that it propelling us to eat and eat and eat past any point of satiety. why is that?

changing a culture

ive been thinking a lot lately, Abba, about how id really like to begin challenging this weight-obsessed culture that I find myself surrounded by. it is endless and prevalent for people to express a clear measurement of self-worth in relation to their weight. frustration, anger, despondency, desperation, idolization, value, control, Godliness. oh my gosh just EVERYTHING and ANYTHING good in life is determined in so, so many peoples' minds by how they're doing with food. they'll never say it directly, but its implied in their tsk-tsking after a brownie, their self-conscious be-ratings after indulging in that brownie or carb they had said they were trying to refrain from eating, their proclamations about getting back into shape and toning up--again. finally."if I can just get my fucking self together," I hear them whisper wordlessly. perhaps the worst part is that they do this until they're 60. it. does. not. end. they don't outgrow it because they assume it is what they must grow into. they assume it is what people do once they're finally mature. and it just breaks my heart that everyone thinks its merely an issue of willpower. no, lovelies, no it is not. you sweet, sweet darlings--there is so much more for you, so much more for you. I want to tell people about the freedom of intuitive eating; I want to tell them how much hope there is. but I become fearful, Lord--terrified that they'll laugh at me and say, "well you're a porky little piggy so I don't think you have any sound nutritional advice to offer me about eating. at least I try!" I would have thought someone was crazy telling me about IE when I was in the midst of that hell. it took me years to come to a place of understanding and peace and acceptance with it.


I guess all I can really do is begin challenging subtly. When opportunities present themselves for small comments or discussions, I can question what someone is saying. I can offer a warm hug, acceptance and understanding, and a different perspective. and perhaps most importantly I can try my best to lead by example, letting people see the way I interact with food without lying or hiding and being honest if people ask how or what I eat. I worry that when I struggle to walk my talk, people will judge and say, see it doesn't work! but part of intuitive eating is the journey to get there.


this makes me want to lead a small group on intuitive eating, honestly. before im done with college, perhaps next fall, I really want to host a collaborative group about it. which is great because that motivates me to move forward in my own recovery so I can help others. I remember Dad saying something when I initially told him and Mom about my struggles that that is something I will be able to do in the future: help others out of this. (at least, I think he said that! lol) it would bring me such great joy to do that.