single: (desperately trying not to look desperately) available ;)

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Yep, single. Ah, this is something my two older sisters and I get asked all the time when we're at family gatherings and its always so awkward. someone will be like, "so do you guys have any boyfriends?" (poor people--there's really no way to ask this without feeling like you've just plopped pebbles in a bowl of pudding accidently) and we just give a collective chime of "no." customers at where i work/families i babysit for ask if im dating too. i feel pretty ashamed soemtimes that im not. of course, i just play it off like its not a big deal but its really something that i struggle with. i dont like to think that my identity is defined by if im dating or not--that's so shallow, i know. but still....sometimes i just fear that *gulp* (never told anyone this before) not dating means:

1. i am a fat, ugly cow that guys just are NOT attracted to at all. (reconfirmed by a side glance in the mirror)
2. i have a horrible personality that guys find tremendously annoying and obnoxious
3. im just way too awkward to be in a relationship with

and a billion other things. i just feel like i lack so much by not being (or ever have been) in a relationship. i kind of feel like everyone around me knows that all of the above is true and that's why im alone. ick. i just dont take pride in being single...

now, beyond having claws dug through my self-esteem, my single status also manages to fuel my hopeless romantic side. that's probably contradictory. okay, maybe i mean that it just more or less puts a nice little chinese lantern of hope around it. like, it hasnt happened yet but you could STILL meet that handsome, scruffy Seattle man in a peacoat. :) *melting* or Daniel Craig will run into me and (after his wife's tragic leaving him for another guy) invite me to have coffee with him in England. or some young, dark-haired man will meet eyes with me as i hand him his latte; and the heat that blossoms from our hands touching will not be coming from the steam of the espresso but the instantaneous spark that has cracked from our faces finally connecting with each others after years of waiting! haha do you see why im still single?! im too insanely romantic. *sigh* a single life leaves lots of room for daydreaming.

now on a more mellow yet still positive note, single life also has allowed me lots of free time. and that's nice. :) honestly, not having to stress about working through a new, maze-like relationship is kind of a relief. cheaper too, hee hee; even though i do have a little blush in my heart for a guy who will pay for something. awhh.....like i said, too much free time. ;)

so overall, id have to say single life is similar to the color of lilacs...that grayish purple is a mix of feelings. part of it is pain, a heavy stone of self-hate, and the tendancy to just long and ache. but it is also part possibility, hope, and the chance of catching someone's eye...id be okay with this life for a little longer.