disrupted

my youth pastor will be leaving our church within the next few months here, and we seniors in the group have been spending a lot of time with him and his wife...it's been good. my heart is really starting to ache at the thought of him leaving. the struggle i want to flush out here, though, is not people leaving but rather talking about other people. when someone says something about a person that both of you know--whatever their judgment, whatever their comments, those are things you will now have to reconcile with every other opinion/experience you've had with that person. if someone says to me, "Katelyn just never shuts up. She's always talking about herself...It gets old" and all ive ever thought of katelyn is that she was nice, funny, and easy to get along with, suddenly im like CRAP are you serious? really? everyone thinks that about her? ive never thought of that before....and then you have to go through this whole mental struggle of who do i believe? do i trust my experience or do i try to merge them together? and all of a sudden that person's bitterness towards that other person--well deserved or not--becomes my bitterness towards that person. it is very, very hard to ever dismiss what a close friend/person you respect says about someone else. very hard. i just think that that's something everyone (absolutely including myself!) needs to keep in mind; sharing your angry feeligs about others to other people will affect their relationship with that person as well. it just cant go any other way.

with that said, i have to be honest and tell you that my youth pastor has shared some very hard-to-hear things about our senior pastor with us. and its like, for me, having grown up in this church and overall liking our senior pastor, i dont know what to think. to hear that someone has experienced all that crap from someone i respect sucks. it really does. i just wish that all that hurt was not true...and then part of me is like, but is it? and then my other half is like--you just heard a first-hand account! i dont know what to make of all of it. its very disturbing to me, though. i feel like someone just told me that i am in the Truman Show or that my dad is actually my step-dad. it cheapens any good memories you have had in that atmosphere/with that person. and it's sad. really sad. like oh my gosh, i cant believe my childhood was built upon this weak, fake leader.

i really dont know how to handle this. i dont know what to make of his character.

*sigh* sorry. this is just something ive been thinking through lately...haha sorry if it made no sense!