gosh i just HATE all this fucking shit. im so stressed right now i have headache. not a really bad one, but....it's there. i just feel like there is no fucking point in doing this. there's not; there's really not. "for what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?" and that, my friends, is essentially what im pursuing while at college here. im working my ass off and sacrificing and blah blah blah to gain this stupid education (which will probably not do anything without my going to grad school anyways) so i can keep going in the fucked up rat race of life and just keep endlessly, endlessly living in hypocrisy until i finally die and then go and spend my whole fucking eternity in hell. because i just cannot get control of anything. i cant make myself become a Christian--i dont even feel like i believe half that stuff anymore. and that's so sad and screwed up and wrong because i should care and believe and i just--cannot--make--myself do it! i hate it. and i also cant make myself stop caring about Ethan! gosh i hate it. i fucking hate it. the FB messages we're sending--uggh, i just keep getting so emotionally attached through them. and its not his fault! seriously, everything is strictly friend-based, normal questions that people would ask to get to know one another but...i just take them to be more than they are without trying. or i realize what they are but cant stop myself from feeling sad/rejected/self-hating upon such a realization. and i hate being so emotionally tied up in this; i wish i could just never see him again, seriously. and yes, that's why i would suck as his gf and why i currently suck even more as his friend. we're talking about running and half-marathon together, and all i can think (other than that we might not physically be able to do it), is that i would have such a hard time being that close with him, accomplishing such a huge goal without feeling even more invested. gosh, it sucks. and i also just feel so undesireable here. ok ok, not going into that again.
*sigh* and then there's my ED. which, not sure i mentioned this, but i told D&E about it over Thanksgiving, and that shit blew up in my face. i am NOT, under any fucking circumstance, telling my parents about purging now over Christmas. 100% shit's not happenin'. i also feel like this whole thing with Robbie has been a little off. like, why are we not actually giving me any tools to cope with this or deal with my behaviors? and why do we never, ever look back at why the fuck i might be addicted to this? all he does is ask me how things are going. i can fucking tell that to anyone, okay? ah, i hate that. and now i have therapy again tomorrow and i DO NOT WANT TO GO. seriously, i just want to be done with this, so called, "recovery." i dont care about it, im not invested in; in many ways, it can just go screw itself; i, for one, will not be bawling in a corner over it. it just feels like a waste of time; i just want to go back to where my disorder was hidden and it was mine and i could enjoy it. especially since i started purging. i dont feel nearly as out of control as i did when all i could do was binge and binge and binge. now i can redeem myself at least...although its also addicting as hell and will probably kill me one day if i dont stop. idk, i just dont want to tell Robbie this and then have him convince me to stick with therapy. i feel like my "disorder" is pretty fucking illegitimate now. i just....ugh, i hate it and want to just pull back and shine the freaking spotlight elsewhere. although, of course, Mom and Dad know so much already that im not sure they would be thrilled with me quitting therapy. and that's the rub, really; they certainly do not have money for therapy, so if i do blow off this relationship with Robbie and then later decide, oh hey, this is fucked up, i need help again, i wont have any options really. idk, idk, idk. its just weird and i feel like i cant voice this concern/idea to anyone because they're all going to be bias in their opinon and fuck with my head on it. however, i dont want to lie to Mom and Dad that im still going if im not, nor do i want them to know that ive quit or, later, that im perhaps still purging. gosh this is some fucked up shit. what the hell should i do? seriously....
i need a b/p to clear my head. and then maybe i can address the overwhelming amount of work on my finals i have to do. yayers.
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