it never stops

i am stuck here again. stuck in this fucking eating disorder. stuck. stuck. stuck. choosing to be stuck, yes, yet still stuck.

i cant fucking escape this thing. bulimia you whore, you have overwhelmed my life. i cant move past you, i cant let you go. like a fucking parasite you have latched on and i cannot get rid of you. the harder i try to recover, the harder i fall back into your safety blanket of indulgence. my binges are bigger than ever before, my purging right behind it. gorge, retch, gorge, retch, gorge. it is disgusting and i hate that i am doing this to myself. every time im gagging over the toilet bowl all i can think is how did i get here? why did i ever choose bulimia? why did i ever start purging? i thought i would be able to stop that part of it when i wanted to. but the truth is that purging is essential to any binge, once you have learned it. its the key, the secret to unlocking a blank slate, so to speak, upon which you can shove all your favorite foods onto again. over and over and over. it never has to stop because you never get full.

these binges are so expensive and i feel entirely selfish about how much money i am wasting on food for them. ive spent over $20 in the last two days...and mom and dad have no idea. that hell will need to be paid soon enough, but as of now im just hoping i can bullshit/cover up/deceive my way through having to give account to them for where the cash went.

i hate that i keep choosing to lie to mom (and dad too, in a roundabout way). i want to be honest with them and tell them when i mess up, but i just cant bring myself to be honest. i cant bring myself to look into mom's eyes and say, nope, the entire time you both were gone last night, i was here shoving endless amounts of food into my throat and then i threw it all up in our backyard. im so ashamed of what i do; and even though i desperately want and need mom and dad's help, it also ultimately comes down to my choice. they cannot force me into making the right decision by simply trying to elimiate every possible time for me to binge. if i am determined to do it, i will do anything possible to get my hands on the food. that also ultimately does nothing for my recovery--it doesnt change how i think or approach food, it just changes my outward behavior. i so desperately wish that they could bring me into recovery, that they could somehow structure things enough so that i could never fail. but they cant. its my choice.


oh i just hate this thing so much. my throat is bone dry, even with all the water ive been drinking. im worn out. i feel unable to win. fighting these impluses to binge and purge are beyond stressful and depressing; giving into them is equally so. i dont know what to do any longer. i can feel myself slipping towards depression the more i focus on this. i just dont want to have to deal with it all anymore. i want to be done. i want to be done...