%$@# this eating disorder

as i sit here in bed, warm tears filling my ears, my tummy full enough to force regurgitation without trying, all i can think is

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK this eating disorder!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

i hate this thing that consumes me! i have fucking fallen into its FUCKING lies again. again again a-fucking-gain i am desperate and depressed because of its whoring control. just FUCK this thing! im so fucking sick of it.

there is an insistent track in my mind that this was and is my choice, it's always been my choice. i look temptation right in the eyes every time, and think to myself, i could say no here, i could resist. but then i still cave. i directly say yes to giving in. FUUCCCK this eating disorder! FUCK IT! i hate it. i hate all the fucking stress it brings to every fucking mealtime. i couldnt even enjoy Erin being home because from 4:30pm this afternoon onward all ive been able to think about is how hellishly hungry i am and how desperate i want pizza NOW. and i dont want two pieces--i want as many as i want to eat. and then with that desire and temptation comes the obsessing, the fucking endless obsessing of every afternoon where i dont have to workout. oh yes, my little fucking mind will relentlessly spend its time consumed with thoughts about that food and whether im going to binge or be good, binge or be good. "nothing lasts forever" "you CAN get through this" "think of the half-marathon" and then during dinner, all i can think about is food and i begin to thoroughly hate my family, hate that they're at the table, in the house. my fucked up, selfish little mind begins whispering a stream of bitter, angry thoughts. why do they have to be here? i dont care about this conversation, i dont care about church or ideas or people or newborns or weddings or gardens. i just want that damn food! why are they here?! they're preventing me from getting what i want! food food FOOD! i dont want to stay here. i keep checking the clock and checking out of the conversation. how long till dinner's done?

and this whole time im nearly in tears. i need to stop doing this, i tell myself. stop hating. stop being jealous over how and what others are eating. stop racing to shovel food in. stop being so nonchalant. stop looking at the time. stop licking up food with your fingers. stop obsessing. no one made you do this. its your choice, its your choice, its your choice. oh yeah? well than WHY THE FUCKING HELL DOES IT NEVER EVER FEEL LIKE MY FUCKING CHOICE?!?!?!! IF ITS MY CHOICE WHY CAN I NEVER FUCKING WIN?!?!?!?!?!!!!!?????????????????

fuck this eating disorder.