at least not yet

I feel as though today has been a day of mistakes for me. I repeatedly overstepped boundaries I had set for myself in terms of relationships with others/not prying, how I conduct myself professionally and casually, and, of course, my eating. Simultaneously, though, I also failed to meet expectations I've set; I fell short. I fell short in conducting the meeting with S, A, and J. I failed to workout. I failed to talk with anyone about driving me to observe a child somewhere, mainly because I knew my bank account was $0.00 and I wouldn't be able to pay for gas. So now I'll be lying to my professor in my discussion post because I'm too proud to admit my failure so late in the game and suffer the consequences of being honest and receiving the grade I really deserve. I just hate this. Failure failure failure failure. Every day. I need to stop behaving so lethargically and stop being so fucking half-hearted in my attempts at recovery. I'm irritated that I so blatantly looked choice in the face and gave pausing/reviewing my values the finger in light of temptation. I hate that. It makes me terrified that I'll never recover. See, I want to seeth, see -- you'll never change! No matter how much work you put in, eventually you crack! You'll never change--you CAN'T change. Fuck up. Screw up. You. will. never. accept. salvation. You have no fucking willpower! No wonder you're so fat. No wonder your body jiggles and jostles when you walk. No wonder you look like shit and your face is broken out. No fucking wonder. We all know why this is happening, you food whore, you slut. You FAILURE. You are not living up to who you should be, to the one thing that gives purpose to your existence, the one thing that makes your fucking presence even worthwhile. You slutty bitch.

That is what I want to (and have partially been saying all day) to myself.

But I know that recovery means learning to treat myself differently, with grace and curiosity and understanding. With acceptance and kindness. So I need to re-approach these ideas and see if they line up with what I truly believe. That's the only way to move forward. I don't want to give up!

So. I believe that I did cave to temptation today; I did this because I was feeling like I needed to be grounded. I had already napped in an attempt to give myself the break I wanted, along with watching some YouTube videos. So that was good--I attempted to address my needs for a transition and rest without food and I was actually successful at that. The issue didn't come until S left to nanny and I was alone. The relief I felt at her going was tangible, which was unexpected. But I felt like I could breathe; I think that was partially just from feeling free from judgment/a dark mood, and also the knowledge that I could binge if need be. As time wore on, though, my mind became consumed with continuous thoughts/obsession over the thought of the food that was in the cupboard, waiting for me. I knew that I wasn't hungry and I also checked in with myself enough to know that I was feeling upset/sad because of all the things I felt like I had done wrong during the day. I wanted that feeling to go away because I knew that I needed to get started on my other assignments, but, of course, didn't want to. Combine all this together and it led to me standing in the kitchen, frantically yet not wholeheartedly whispering reminders to myself about what my goals were, about how I should go sit and think about this and reconsider what it was I wanted, about how much I would hate feeling sick/full/fat/uncontrollable later on. But when the food, solitude, and painful feelings are there, promising relief, you don't do any of these things. At least not yet. And that is what I am banking on. Not yet, I have not yet learned how to do that. However, that absolutely does not mean it will never happen! As I learn to accept my feelings (which I did try doing), and let myself stop and feel them and find another way to soothe once I know my needs, I can learn to feel like I have a choice--a viable, good choice--for how to act. But that will take time and repeated encounters. I am still willing to learn and change and discover who I am without this eating disorder. I trust and believe that my life then will be better in terms of overall well-being than it is under my relationship with food now. Not to say I'll never be in pain, but just to say that when pain comes, I will feel it deeply, and I will deal with it healthily, embracing and soothing it. And I will maintain a beautiful life through it--or as close as I can get. I feel tempted to eat maybe, but I know my real needs. And I love myself. I want what is best for me, so I will do what is necessary to treat myself well.

Today, I was trying to self-soothe through that binging and purging session(s). I was trying to help myself cope and feel better. But it was ultimately painful, very painful. It hurt being so full. It was humiliating to go through so much food and having so many dishes out when Serena came back. It saddened me that I couldn't save breakfast or lunch for tomorrow, that I couldn't plan ahead for caring for myself. I want to be kind to myself and heal/breathe through painful events and moods and problems in life without destroying me. So I need my heart and habits to be transformed here. I need to change and let these insufficient band aids go.

"Breathe new life into me so that my heart--and my habits--may be transformed. May I leave differently than how I arrived. May I have the courage to let go. May I be changed." -Karly Pitman