suicide ideation.
yes.
lots and lots of suicide ideation.
i just want to be done with life. please, please, please let me be done.
i hate addiction; i am sick of struggling. and worst of all--i really don't see any hope for myself. i realized that tonight in the bathroom, that depression and hopelessness are the norm for me. they are what i expect life will always come back to once the good parts are gone. they're, ironically, my blue sky above the clouds, not the happy/healthy/recovered me.
recovery feels impossible. i cant envision it for myself.
i also, once again, have come to the realization that i don't want to recover, i don't want to have a great life outside of Christianity. i don't believe its fully possible nor do i want to silence the nagging, haunting sense that there is something deeply flawed with me and Someone missing from my life that i long for. if i cannot have Him, and i cannot fully have my ED, but instead must try to live a semblance of a normal life, all the while dying inside, id rather die on the outside too. i hate this dissonance.
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