One of my favorite au pair families thus far just sent me a rejection letter today. Right before we were about to Skype. I feel sad.
And I wonder if this is what I should be doing.
What if I'm not meant to go au pair? What if I'm just not enough for any family? What if this is a huge mistake and I'm wasting my life and I should just give up? It's hard to settle down when your mind is constantly describing you as being in a transition phase. I just finished college and yet here I am, once again, just making do and getting by before "real life" begins. The months are ticking on quickly. What if Paris doesn't happen? Despite me telling 7,000 people that its the plan for me? I want to start living, really start. I tell myself that then, then I'd finally get control of my eating disorder. Then I'd make friends and start saving money. As soon as real life starts and I feel like an adult, I'll get my act together. There's always a future time to plan for, isn't there?
But I need to change now. I need to get serious now. I keep bolting instead. I keep eating and going mindless and numb and in the meantime I end up being unable to think about anything I need to do. Or I get serious for a few days and go really strict. And then the pressure comes and I get so tired of being good that I break down and splurge on food, movies, and pleasure. Or torture, really. Let's not pretend these things actually satisfy.
*sigh*
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