I absolutely hate being this person. This woman. This anxious, can't sleep, won't be able to rest while spooning kind of woman. Who has to get up to process her thoughts in a 4 AM blog post rather than wait until a more reasonable hour. I don't know why these situations keep triggering such extreme reactions. The same thing happened with Chris in France. And I hated it. The same thing probably would have happened with Guillaume and in some ways did happen with Guillaume though physically we never went so far. Regardless, I hate it. Hate that I slipped so effortlessly into this role of the Classic Anxious Girl. Eric is telling me to just not think but I don't know how to do that.. Can/t imagine doing that. Especially not with someone who stresses the point through example. That only makes me more anxious that no one is worrying about the concerns that should be worried about.
So just what the hell am I stressed over?
Well, for starters, I think we have the basic connections between both the relationships that happened in France and this new relationship. Some may question whether this is a rebound. Maybe it is...I don't know. I think perhaps Eric and I are using each other without meaning to. I feel very similar boundaries and routines being pushed between Eric and Chris. I hate to admit it but I feel the same basis of attraction just disappearing as things move ahead physically. It's like a total disconnect, a total loss of interest. I actually really like Eric, unlike Chris. I find him attractive. But that pull--that desire to be physically surrounded by and consumed with him is simply not present. And the more he touches me, the more he advances things, the less I want it and consequently the more used I feel as it happens. I am worried.
Which brings us to the next point. Eric's comments about what he wants from this, including, "memories." Ha. I threw out there the idea that he wouldn't miss me for more than a week and he said probably not, then "maybe two/more than that." But I can tell that he is being insincere for fear of sounding like a shallow asshole. So I don't trust him. More importantly I keep feeling the knife of realization that this little thing means very little to him and as he said, he will definitely not be "miserable" in the weeks ahead. Wow. What a charmer. He did say he doesn't want me to be miserable but I just wanted to shout at him, "too fucking late, pal!" Not that I can blame him at all. I just fear that I am being too easy, too willing to give all to someone who truly does not love me back. I feel like I'm trading my soul for this. Again. I feel like the fact that I love so easily and deeply is once again being shit on. I am worried.
(I am telling myself stories that may not be true.)
The trust thing, though....that's really what the issue is. That's where the problem lies. Because I really felt really connected with Eric. I felt like he was a gentleman, I felt safe with him. I felt home. And now...bullshit. All bullshit. Eric doesn't have an ounce of deep feelings for me he just wants sex before he goes off to college. (I am telling myself stories that may or may not be true.) I guess I can't say I'm surprised. Or rather I can't say I have a right to feel upset because if I had been thinking more objectively and willing to progress things less physically it would have been okay. I could have seen that disconnect and instead of pushing it aside, paid attention to it. I thought I was different for Eric. I think I am just a play thing--an exotic older woman who happened to think the world of him.
I don't feel loved or special or valuable with Eric after tonight. I feel cheap. I feel...unattractive and non-compelling. I thought there were real things here but no...it's just another guy who knows how to "not think" when it's inconvenient or there are complicated matters to be parsed out. I am angry at myself for falling for him. I am angry at myself for succumbing. I am angry, angry, angry. Pissed, perhaps. I just want to go lie with him now and try to forget all the ways this is killing me.
I don't know what to tell Mackenzie. I feel wrong having done this in her house when no one but Eric was here. I feel it is necessary to lie to mom and dad about where I was. I feel scared that things will progress to sleeping with Eric before he leaves. I am most scared, Abba, that I am losing You once again in all of this for the sake of cheap thrills with a guy. I don't want cheap thrills. I don't want to be so grown up. But I think the thing you realize as you grow up is that the complex, hard-to-swallow truths of connection and loss are unavoidable whether you pay for them up front or after. You have to feel your way through them. Maybe that implies not being so reckless in love. Or at least not so reckless in the aftermath.
I hate Eric. I hate that he can just sleep silently through all this while I am frantically trying to parse through my mind in the upstairs dining room. I want to go sleep with him; I want to not care for a few hours. I am angry that I smell like someone else he knows. I am terrified of whom. I am disgusted at how quickly my impulse is to go buy all new hair products when I have no money for that and we are only talking of less than a couple weeks of togetherness. I want to go cry in his arms as much as I want to lay silent, a muted, non-sensing humanoid who can just warm the mattress for one night before I disappear without seeing him ever again. I am worried. I don't want to be worried. I don't want to not be worried.
(I am telling myself stories that may or may not be true.)
Abba, will You come? I don't know what to do. This is confusing. I'm afraid of truth and I'm afraid to ignore truth. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I can't stop thinking while I simultaneously can't think. What do I do? What would You have me do? I don't believe Eric when he says he cares that I'm not miserable or that I'm able to sleep tonight. I don't trust him. And yet...as humans, I feel we have a duty to care for each other and not cause undue harm. (Well any harm, but you catch my drift.) Here, where we could pursue things for 1.5 weeks or let it go, forever unexplored...we're both a bit jaded, a bit calloused. And it's harmful to future connections I think...maybe. Or maybe we're just growing up? Becoming more used to loss? Maybe it's perfectly okay to fall hard and then leave? The problem is that it will never be a 50/50 split. (Which, BTW, brings me to my other concern of whether or not Eric is actually attracted to me at all. He says he wasn't initially which terrifies me as much as I try to pretend having a good personality is worth something. He also said that he only really realized he liked me pretty recently. Also terrifying. Although maybe my ego can save itself from some shame by pretending that I have a knack for sensing out early on who I will work well with as a partner?? It seems to be a theme that guys don't realize until later on that we are good together. I don't know.)
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