engaged

My desire for you is difficult to describe. I crave and loathe you at the same time. I'm trying to get other shit done but each day I find myself wasting hours thinking, thinking, thinking about you.

I don't know what I'm doing. What you're doing. What we're doing.

Is everything I think to be happening imagined? Am I reading into things too much? Everything could be explained away. Unless you've been here awhile. Unless you've seen the transition. Unless, unless, unless. But even then, maybe not. Maybe nothing is going on. Maybe there's no energy or chemistry here. Maybe we're just becoming better friends. Maybe you're just being nice. Maybe I'm being too obvious, too eager. I don't know. Things feel out of control, though. Undefined and therefore possibly going to go too far but not until hindsight. Not until we can't take it back. I feel like there is something here. It feels like things did with Ryan. There just is that thing, you know? But...maybe not. Maybe I don't know.

I've gained boatloads of weight. Or should I say bloat-loads of weight. (Har har puns.) It could be all the bread and cookies and cookies and cookies and sometimes a few cookies I've been eating. I don't know. Maybe the cheese at every meal? The peanut butter and Nutella? I cannot wait to be out of the house, distracted by French classes and in my routine of not eating much but exercising lots. I just want to be skinny again. The fat is bubbling upon around my thighs. Jeans look ridiculous on me. Skirts are my safe-haven but even those make me look pudgy. Can anyone really ever hide weight gain? I don't think so.


I just want to pretend my ankle is not in pain. That it will magically heal on its own. That I don't need to do anything in particular to rescue it. That I can workout on it and it won't hurt. I can't lose my workouts. I can't lose my salvation. I want to be so busy I can hardly stand up. I want to be exhausted from working out. Not really...but kind of. I don't want to think. Faith is such a burden. I mean that believing there is another way forces you to be honest that you're not seeking that way. That you've screwed up. That you're not all you should be. It is somewhat hopeful but also exhausting. I'm not saying I wish we were all doomed but...I don't know. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to live with.

business or pleasure

Im in a peculiar mood today. Not really upset about anything; not really satisfied. The day's moving a bit too slowly for me. I'm tempted to see a movie after work but that's always meant binging and I'm trying to make it a week without any behaviors. Maybe I'll just go home. Maybe I'll see Kingsmen and just get a diet, caffeine free coke. Starve my body a little. Slim down a bit. Feel powerful and sexy and hot.


I think my favorite thing about work at present is simply that I feel confident. That's really the thing. I definitely make mistakes sometimes but I know how to work fast and well for the most part. I like being able to help people; I like the challenge of lifting heavy boxes. I like joking around and having such a great braid of personalities to volley back and forth with. I really love working with so many guys; they have good energy. Wayyyy better than working in a room full of women all day. I like feeling strong. Just strong. I know I have cellulite but it doesn't haunt me here because I know I can lift things and squat and walk fast. And those traits count for more than the smoothness of the skin under my jeans. I've given up on the idea that Mark or Justin could like me and have settled in to just taking the little bit of flirting I get from a few of the guys I would never date. They're pretty adorable and funny and I just like being with them in the freeing, no-commitment sense. Also no sex haha. I feel attractive but not sexual and that's a good, rare thing I think. That's not always a given. I feel so sleepy at the end of the day but I love it. I think that's maybe why I'm so satisfied with this work: because it's so emotionally up and down yet I also have such steady routine. So I don't stress about not doing what I want but I also use up a lot of my crazy emotional energy so that by the end of the day I typically feel like I've had a great adventure and am ready to settle in for bed.

respite

this is my favorite little part of the day: being hidden away in a nearly abandoned hallway to eat my lunch in peace. 90% of the time im invisible to the eyes and bodies of coworkers and can finally catch my breath. its like being backstage after a long performance. when you manage people, your time is there time all the time. you are there to serve and be selfless and present and alert. breaks are the only time you can stop smiling and be left in peace. don't get me wrong, I love what I do! I enjoy helping people and showing them what to do and how to do it. I like interacting with them and I even tolerate/like the messy, stressful situations in which im forced to stretch my patience. those moments come with the good ones and so I endure them. but ahhh its so relaxing to be alone.


these days at Lawrence really go fast. at least for me. I like them. before you know it the mornings over, then lunch speeds by, and then you're pacing yourself through the few remaining afternoon hours. I hope o get to stay here for a while. I wonder if LMS will hire me. a part of me cant imagine leaving.

now's not a good time for me

One of my favorite au pair families thus far just sent me a rejection letter today. Right before we were about to Skype. I feel sad.


And I wonder if this is what I should be doing.


What if I'm not meant to go au pair? What if I'm just not enough for any family? What if this is a huge mistake and I'm wasting my life and I should just give up? It's hard to settle down when your mind is constantly describing you as being in a transition phase. I just finished college and yet here I am, once again, just making do and getting by before "real life" begins. The months are ticking on quickly. What if Paris doesn't happen? Despite me telling 7,000 people that its the plan for me? I want to start living, really start. I tell myself that then, then I'd finally get control of my eating disorder. Then I'd make friends and start saving money. As soon as real life starts and I feel like an adult, I'll get my act together. There's always a future time to plan for, isn't there?

But I need to change now. I need to get serious now. I keep bolting instead. I keep eating and going mindless and numb and in the meantime I end up being unable to think about anything I need to do. Or I get serious for a few days and go really strict. And then the pressure comes and I get so tired of being good that I break down and splurge on food, movies, and pleasure. Or torture, really. Let's not pretend these things actually satisfy.


*sigh*