i cant

i just cant do this. i cant do it. i cant, i cant, i cant. i want to cry and cut and purge. im so scared and lonely. i hate it. and i hate it because i have no escape, no where to go. i cant go home. i simply cannot imagine going back and returning to that old pattern of things. i would never be able to purge, id have no future, no way to supprt myself and it would be years before id be willing to try again. and so much money and work and time has been invested in me going here. not to mention facing all the people i just said goodbye to. hey, it's just me, the fucking bitch who bragged about college endlessly and then went and started crying and came home to mommy instead. i just hate being here, i hate it and i want to leave. i cant do it and now wonder why i ever thought i could. why the hell did i ever believe that i was special enough to just conquer this thing? like college would be no fucking big deal. it's not like i just want home; no i simply dont want to be here. i feel like i spend so much more time on school than anyone else does. and im completely unwilling to just strive for B's or C's. i will either quit or get A's. period, end of discussion. other kids manage to do it, and if i cant then im not the good student i thought i was.

i just hate me so much. and i know that if any of my friends here found out that i was such a hypocrite about my faith, etc. they'd just leave me, they'd totally reject me and hate me. i feel like such an outcast; i dont feel like i can connect with people or keep them around, i dont feel like people want me. i feel lonely and hurt and ugly and fat. and i just want to cry and hurt myself. i wish i could just tell Charity that i was having a really hard time, that i cant adjust, i dont feel like i can do it. but of course no one would understand that. they'd just say, well just take it a day at a time, hang in there, things'll get better. BULL SHIT. i dont know how to handle this. i feel like i cant breathe. im not the fucking reject who sits and cries in her dorm room after classes all day! that's not me.

fuck. the other thing too is that i might be getting my period soon, so maybe that's why im so emotional. which is good and bad, because maybe this will pass. but i also dont want to just sit here feeling like im illegitimate in all im thinking and feeling.

i just dont know what the hell to do. i dont just want to sit in my dorm, i want people, but i feel like people dont want me to hang out with them or i dont want to hang out with them.

what a fucking failure.