No, not alcohol, water.
Yeah, so today was a weird day. Dreary again. I was super tired, ate breakfast, purged, did some reading and drank some coffee. Then went to class, felt kinda unsure of myself and hated my hair. Proceeded to come back, eat a 230 calorie lunch, and resist binging on everything in the kitchen while Serena was at class. Then I went to my next course, only after the stupid toilet had gotten plugged up (thank GOODNESS not from my purging), so I was planning to have to get a plunger from the Housing Office in the guys dorm. Sat through class, was completely consumed with thoughts of binging. My stomach was just rumbling, growling, rumbling and I had such a headahce. I started thinking of what it'd be like to eat everything I wanted and that literally only made me hungrier. This temptation was so strong I literally thought about leaving class. Like, was just going to bolt so I could binge and binge. Oh my gosh, I was desperate but somehow managed to get through. Then I walked back to the dorms, saw a cute guy with an AWESOME leather laptop bag that I so wanted to ask him where in the world he had got it from but thought that'd be weird/he's a hipster so maybe he'd hate it. Came back, was alone in the dorm. Shoveled brownie after brownie in my mouth (about 5 brownies), simulatenously tearing apart the cupboard to grab a protein bar and chugging milk in between breaking my jaw in my fury to eat faster. I felt kinda scared Serena would come in before I was done, which did happen but luckily I was able to just hide the chocolate in my mouth and pretend to be grabbing a glass for some milk. Then Serena broke my heart with her kindness by giving me a box of M&I's she had bought for me, which I proceeded to eat a ton of with my milk. Then I thought, hell, I'm going with this as far as I want. I then made an egg mcmuffin with 3/4 cup cottage cheese for dinner, which was amazing. And then I made a 16 oz. chai and sat with a stomach ache while I worked on homework. I felt so sick and full and yet happy and worried that this would/will continue.
A little while late my roomie said she was going to step out to take a break and call her sister. I wasn't really planning to, but after she left I shoveled in another brownie and then went to the bathroom to purge because I was still so full. That was a gross purge. And here we come back to the title of this post. During all my food whoring I hadn't bothered to drink much liquid/water, so the purge was very, very chunky. Cottage cheese and eggs get nasty. After a while I could just so taste the vomit that I stopped; plus I didn't know how soon Serena would be back. I flushed twice, cleaned off the rim of the toilet bowl, washed my hands and popped in some gum after rinsing my mouth and spraying some Febreeze in the bathroom. So now I still feel very full, although I'm happy that I was at least partially able to redeem myself (as in maybe 10 calories less than my binge). I feel so fat, my stomach is huge and I wish I felt skinny/could purge more but what else can I do? No workout today, which sucks but also comes with binging, typically. Plus last night I could NOT sleep after running...and I'm supposed to go watch a movie with Charity tonight, so that should be fun.
Anyways, just wanted to share...not sure what tomorrow's going to be like.
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