the food whore

so i was doing pretty well today; had just a 305 calorie breakfast and then was hoping to avoid lunch with the fam by going shopping in St. Cloud and b.s.ing that i'd buy lunch up there. which would probably just be a soy latte or some soup from Panera. but then i couldnt because the more i stressed and thought about it, i realized that i had to have my mom with me so i could actually buy what i needed to get. *angry sigh* so then i thought i could just lie my way through lunch, take a granola bar upstairs, eat-and-spit it out, and then avoid lunch, saying i'll get a coffee drink later instead. but then the food whore decided upon eating a 350 calorie lunch that these extra 150 calories were unacceptable and thus today would be a binge day. so i just gave in, ate another two pieces of cinnamon raisin toast, one with butter and sugar, and then made coffee with a hot cocoa packet. i dont give a shit now, except i am scared about these calories. im just going to get SO fat and again back everything i lost earlier this week! :'( fuck. but i see no point in stopping now; only wish i hadnt eaten bread so i could at least chug some water and try to purge a little in my room...but that's a no now. fuck fuck fuck...what the hell am i doing?