cant stop, cant change, cant escape (in correlation with: le school, le boy, le therapy)

gosh i just HATE all this fucking shit. im so stressed right now i have  headache. not a really bad one, but....it's there. i just feel like there is no fucking point in doing this. there's not; there's really not. "for what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?" and that, my friends, is essentially what im pursuing while at college here. im working my ass off and sacrificing and blah blah blah to gain this stupid education (which will probably not do anything without my going to grad school anyways) so i can keep going in the fucked up rat race of life and just keep endlessly, endlessly living in hypocrisy until i finally die and then go and spend my whole fucking eternity in hell. because i just cannot get control of anything. i cant make myself become a Christian--i dont even feel like i believe half that stuff anymore. and that's so sad and screwed up and wrong because i should care and believe and i just--cannot--make--myself do it! i hate it. and i also cant make myself stop caring about Ethan! gosh i hate it. i fucking hate it. the FB messages we're sending--uggh, i just keep getting so emotionally attached through them. and its not his fault! seriously, everything is strictly friend-based, normal questions that people would ask to get to know one another but...i just take them to be more than they are without trying. or i realize what they are but cant stop myself from feeling sad/rejected/self-hating upon such a realization. and i hate being so emotionally tied up in this; i wish i could just never see him again, seriously. and yes, that's why i would suck as his gf and why i currently suck even more as his friend. we're talking about running and half-marathon together, and all i can think (other than that we might not physically be able to do it), is that i would have such a hard time being that close with him, accomplishing such a huge goal without feeling even more invested. gosh, it sucks. and i also just feel so undesireable here. ok ok, not going into that again.

*sigh* and then there's my ED. which, not sure i mentioned this, but i told D&E about it over Thanksgiving, and that shit blew up in my face. i am NOT, under any fucking circumstance, telling my parents about purging now over Christmas. 100% shit's not happenin'. i also feel like this whole thing with Robbie has been a little off. like, why are we not actually giving me any tools to cope with this or deal with my behaviors? and why do we never, ever look back at why the fuck i might be addicted to this? all he does is ask me how things are going. i can fucking tell that to anyone, okay? ah, i hate that. and now i have therapy again tomorrow and i DO NOT WANT TO GO. seriously, i just want to be done with this, so called, "recovery." i dont care about it, im not invested in; in many ways, it can just go screw itself; i, for one, will not be bawling in a corner over it. it just feels like a waste of time; i just want to go back to where my disorder was hidden and it was mine and i could enjoy it. especially since i started purging. i dont feel nearly as out of control as i did when all i could do was binge and binge and binge. now i can redeem myself at least...although its also addicting as hell and will probably kill me one day if i dont stop. idk,  i just dont want to tell Robbie this and then have him convince me to stick with therapy. i feel like my "disorder" is pretty fucking illegitimate now. i just....ugh, i hate it and want to just pull back and shine the freaking spotlight elsewhere. although, of course, Mom and Dad know so much already that im not sure they would be thrilled with me quitting therapy. and that's the rub, really; they certainly do not have money for therapy, so if i do blow off this relationship with Robbie and then later decide, oh hey, this is fucked up, i need help again, i wont have any options really. idk, idk, idk. its just weird and i feel like i cant voice this concern/idea to anyone because they're all going to be bias in their opinon and fuck with my head on it. however, i dont want to lie to Mom and Dad that im still going if im not, nor do i want them to know that ive quit or, later, that im perhaps still purging. gosh this is some fucked up shit. what the hell should i do? seriously....

i need a b/p to clear my head. and then maybe i can address the overwhelming amount of work on my finals i have to do. yayers.

waiting for even a whisper

i just need to say this to someone, somewhere, and so i have consequently come here to my secret blog. i would sound like the whiniest, fake, bitchy-girlfriend type if i said this on FB and i dont have Twitter (although im guessing the annoyingness would transfer). so instead im here. okay here goes:

i am desperately waiting for some form of contact from E. (yes, this is a code name for a guy).

oh my gosh...seriously, i cant believe how much im craving for something, anything from him! it's insane--ive never felt this way about someone before but it's killing me. i just keep feeling so low, you know? like just kind of sad and depressed and wishing that he would please, please, please, just like a status of mine or listen to a song of mine on Spotify or reply to my message on FB. oh my gosh...i just long for him to interact with me somehow, even if only in the smallest of ways. which makes me feel pathetic because we're just friends and he has a girlfriend and we just had some crazy, over-time  of being in contact so it makes sense that now, when things are normal, i'd feel deprived. i just keep fearing that it's something on my end. like im annoying or im fat or im not enough or im just not worth engaging with. and that just makes me crave hearing from him even more because me and my petty, proud, pathetic little self-esteem wants confirmation either way.

idk...this is just weird all around and sure as hell is making it hard to focus on school work. :( ugh.

just stop racing, please

i just feel so overwhelmed right now. my gosh, just. uh. relationships are stressing me the fuck out. like i have a neck ache and feel exhausted and just STRESSED as hell about them. im so freaking worried all the time about what people are thinking about me. specifically Ethan. and now his brother Jacob, too. and also Connor a little. and Merriweather. UGH! i just keep on stressing about what i mean to them, what did they think of me. was i funny, did i look fat, was i myself, did i have weird hair, were my shoes too ratty, was i even enjoyable to be around, did anyone have a good time, would these guys ever want to see me again, am i as insanel annoying a person as i feel, are my fears too disgusting to make me worth cherishing? and does will anyone ever see me as their best friend and not just a friend, (will Ethan ever like me if im hugely overweight like i am now? maybe i should lose a lot of weight), what if i suck at playing frisbee, could i ever be part of their group, is any part of who i am desireable, am i worth anything in comparison to how many absolutely incredible people are out there, will anyone ever want me, when the hell am i going to get my life together, how am i ever going to get through school this week, what if i just dont want to get over this eating disorder?

um, yeah. these are just some of the questions racing through and exhausting my mind right now. i just....am tired of trying to think through them. so i lied to my roommate that i hadnt eaten dinner, made a delicious egg/bagel/turkey meal with cottage cheese and then lied again that i was going to go shower. i then gutted myself vomitting into the toilet. and now i feel like i can think a little clearer. my head is not pouding so hard, i can breathe again, if only for a little bit. but i can tell/know this will only last so long before i will be, again, exhausted from thinking. and then we shall probably see it all start again...

control the world! (through your kids)

so i was conversing with my roommate about Christmas and how crazy it was to me that she wasn't excited about it, when she finally told me (in a way that, im sure, to her meant very little but to me was heartbreakingly sad) that her family never does anything on Christmas. they just have the day off and hang out together because no one has to go anywhere. she also said that Chrstimas is wayyy too over-comercialized as well. she hates it. and that is just so, so sad to me. like seriously, Christmas is one of the happiest holidays i know of; it's my favorite time of year and brings me so much joy. i just cannot imagine not being absolutely thrilled about it! there are tons of traditions at our house--delightful, lovely, exciting things that we do together as a family. there's present wrapping and music and tree decorating and Starbucks coffee and clearance shopping and dressing up and getting snuggly and cinnamon rolls and people and love. it's just all this wonderful, wonderful beauty. and so to hear someone say that they dont feel as excited as i do about Christmas is bizarre and horrible.Christmas should be a joyful, lovely time. it should not just be about superficial gift giving or an overpriced vacation. it should be about family and celebration and being grateful. i just wish she saw it that way, i wish i could show her how incredibly wonderful Christmas could be.

but there was one thing that i realized while we were conversing that made me even more sad that this. and that was that she said when she has kids, they're not going to celebrate Christmas that much either. like birthdays were always the big thing at her house, and that's how they'll be for her family as well. and as she said this i vowed also to ensure that Christmas was as fun for my kids as it has been for me. right then, however, is when it hit me: people, even young adults like us, so often view families and children as a chance to just pass down and empress upon other people what their own personal values are. like, beyond just holiday traditions, but actual values. it's like this socially acceptable way in which to control the world. you can force whatever opinons and views  you want on your kids; i mean, they have to listen to you, and even if they rebel, you still will have an incredibly strong impact on them. and in a lot of ways that makes sense and is obviously how God intended it to work but still. it just seems a little off to me that people view families as being a good outlet for their own ideas. weird and unnerving and yet okay at the same time.

i dont know. just some thoughts i had....

gnawed raw by my undesire-ability

so i havent really posted much about my e.d. lately...thought id maybe talk now about an idea that's kinda been haunting me recently and "feeding" har har my behavior. and yes, i did kinda just talk about this in my previous post, so sorry; but i feel like this time around its a little more serious. maybe not. either way i want to drone on about it for a while.

here it is: i just feel like i cannot get away from this fear that i am simply not a desireable person. and i know that im not, i mean really, im not--im so screwed up it's insane. honestly, im not a hard worker. im lazy, lack self-discipline, am fat, don't workout enough, don't think enough, am not a Christian, am a HABITUAL liar/hypocrite, and am incredibly, ridiculously self-centered. so yeah, there's a lot of reasons not to date me or be friends with me. and i know that, so the fact that guys do not clamor over me should not be surprising. but of course, for whatever reason, i just have been bugged by that lately. like this stupid Christmas Ball that's coming up soon. i desperately--and with ruthless silence--long to be asked. like, PLEASE, seriously, would someone please, please ask me? i mean, i know no one probably will. and dresses and tickets and the whole thing is a lot of money and hassel, but i'd really like to go with someone. by this time, though, i feel like people will have asked who they are planning to ask. guys have picked out the girls that are stunningly beautiful, inside and out, the ones who are funny and fun to be with and cute and skinny and pretty and a good time. i would never tell anyone how obsessed i am with wanting to be asked. but i do long and wish and hope and bite my lip and dream in secret--lying awake in bed at night, doing my makeup in the mirror as i get ready, purging in the kitchen garbage while Serena showers.

i dont think that i'd ever tell Robbie that i have this fear. but it's there...no one can do anything about it, but it nibbles and chews and points and assualts my thoughts. again and again and again. quietly chafting me. i hate that my value as a person wraps itself around this, but it does.

gosh i suck sometimes. ugh. this mindset.