i just feel so overwhelmed right now. my gosh, just. uh. relationships are stressing me the fuck out. like i have a neck ache and feel exhausted and just STRESSED as hell about them. im so freaking worried all the time about what people are thinking about me. specifically Ethan. and now his brother Jacob, too. and also Connor a little. and Merriweather. UGH! i just keep on stressing about what i mean to them, what did they think of me. was i funny, did i look fat, was i myself, did i have weird hair, were my shoes too ratty, was i even enjoyable to be around, did anyone have a good time, would these guys ever want to see me again, am i as insanel annoying a person as i feel, are my fears too disgusting to make me worth cherishing? and does will anyone ever see me as their best friend and not just a friend, (will Ethan ever like me if im hugely overweight like i am now? maybe i should lose a lot of weight), what if i suck at playing frisbee, could i ever be part of their group, is any part of who i am desireable, am i worth anything in comparison to how many absolutely incredible people are out there, will anyone ever want me, when the hell am i going to get my life together, how am i ever going to get through school this week, what if i just dont want to get over this eating disorder?
um, yeah. these are just some of the questions racing through and exhausting my mind right now. i just....am tired of trying to think through them. so i lied to my roommate that i hadnt eaten dinner, made a delicious egg/bagel/turkey meal with cottage cheese and then lied again that i was going to go shower. i then gutted myself vomitting into the toilet. and now i feel like i can think a little clearer. my head is not pouding so hard, i can breathe again, if only for a little bit. but i can tell/know this will only last so long before i will be, again, exhausted from thinking. and then we shall probably see it all start again...
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