gnawed raw by my undesire-ability

so i havent really posted much about my e.d. lately...thought id maybe talk now about an idea that's kinda been haunting me recently and "feeding" har har my behavior. and yes, i did kinda just talk about this in my previous post, so sorry; but i feel like this time around its a little more serious. maybe not. either way i want to drone on about it for a while.

here it is: i just feel like i cannot get away from this fear that i am simply not a desireable person. and i know that im not, i mean really, im not--im so screwed up it's insane. honestly, im not a hard worker. im lazy, lack self-discipline, am fat, don't workout enough, don't think enough, am not a Christian, am a HABITUAL liar/hypocrite, and am incredibly, ridiculously self-centered. so yeah, there's a lot of reasons not to date me or be friends with me. and i know that, so the fact that guys do not clamor over me should not be surprising. but of course, for whatever reason, i just have been bugged by that lately. like this stupid Christmas Ball that's coming up soon. i desperately--and with ruthless silence--long to be asked. like, PLEASE, seriously, would someone please, please ask me? i mean, i know no one probably will. and dresses and tickets and the whole thing is a lot of money and hassel, but i'd really like to go with someone. by this time, though, i feel like people will have asked who they are planning to ask. guys have picked out the girls that are stunningly beautiful, inside and out, the ones who are funny and fun to be with and cute and skinny and pretty and a good time. i would never tell anyone how obsessed i am with wanting to be asked. but i do long and wish and hope and bite my lip and dream in secret--lying awake in bed at night, doing my makeup in the mirror as i get ready, purging in the kitchen garbage while Serena showers.

i dont think that i'd ever tell Robbie that i have this fear. but it's there...no one can do anything about it, but it nibbles and chews and points and assualts my thoughts. again and again and again. quietly chafting me. i hate that my value as a person wraps itself around this, but it does.

gosh i suck sometimes. ugh. this mindset.