a roadblock. or more like road-break.

i just feel so insanely depressed now that therapy has been cut off. my heart is just...dying inside. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry and mourn and stay depressed. i dont want to fucking live! gosh i hate life. but anyways, sorry, i know this sounds really self-pitying and pessimistic, especially when i have so much to be thankful for. i will justify myself when i have the energy.

but today i dont. it was and is extremely weird to think that after spending months talking with a person, sharing with them your deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets that you've never told anyone else before, nearly crying in front of them, being totally, gut-wrenchingly honest about everything, you could just end it all with a handshake and a "thank you." i mean seriously. i just cant move past this...i cant. im heartbroken and devestated and totally off-kilter. i let someone in, deeper than i think i have let anyone else in throughout the course of my entire life, and we're just done now. just fucking done. i feel like throwing up. i have thrown up. and ive binged. today that hell started gradually, with me slowly eating two mushroom english muffin pizzas, but then gained momentum as i scarfed down more and more food. and then i purged, of course. that part lasted for a long time actually. i felt the acid touch my raw throat as i stuck my vomit-covered fingers back inside. another gag. another. another. felt the familiar splash of throw up kiss my foot. saw a tear fall into my mess. hurt and hurt. tried not to think. thought even harder. and then it all repeated itself. its amazing how creative you can become in the kitchen when you have little food and strong binge temptations. so im back to the same shit again, huh? another fucking semester of expensive food addiction. i miss Robbie in an extremely weird way. i feel like i cant cope with how our relationship ended; i dont understand how to just walk away from such a relationship. and part of me feels like we left things without a mutual understanding.

i feel like telling him that the past three weeks i had been binge-free may not have been a good idea. i feel like once he heard that, he just scrapped the whole thing and was like, well, apparently you can change when you want to so 'dont say you cant. and im worried that he feels like i was deceiving him. and his perscription, that i should essentially just decide to eat and run like someone who is always in training, was ridiculous. in his mind, if that's all i need, then i should be set. but i brought up the point that i cant seem to function in in-betweens. im either binging or perfectly perfect, but there's no wiggle room. i personally see that as a problem, but i think he was just like, well hell you're not b/ping so be happy. and even when i brought up that i dont think that style would work because i always return to binging after intense training, and that is in some ways the only way i know how to get through those training weeks, he was just like, well, then you've set yourself up mentally to binge when that's done and if you just didnt ever stop training you would stop binging. i just want to cry...he really doesnt get it. i mean, i think those are valid points, but i also know that i simply dont work like that. i tried to be healthy and think tiger-training-fanatic mindset but still ended up giving in to the Ben and Jerrys and candy and cake and cookies last night. why? because my mind and the part of me that craves binging is like, dude we dont buy it--there's no real goal or commitment here, you're just doing this to do it. so bullshit--give in to the junk! enter weight gain and overeating and purging. i just wish i could start training for that half marathon now. i dont want to wait until March to start--i want to be committed and have success now, while im still in relatively good shape from the 3 weeks of work i did put in. i dont want to gain it back and lose muscle and go ape-shit over food all the time.

i guess im just going to try and be decent, keep crap out of the dorm, and maintain a decent exercise routine. then after spring break, we'll hit it hard with new eating and a 12-week training program. for now, though, im just going to go sign up for that race so i dont lose my spot or my dedication to training for it.

anyways, overall im just super depressed and lethargic and crying and missing lately. hopefully (and most likely) this will pass in time. but for now...it's here. i guess i should go try and get some work done for my classes...

ceasing

i really wish, more so than probably anything else in life, literally, that i just honestly did not exist. not that i could just be dead--because we all know that death just brings you right into your eternal reward--but literally never have been conceived of in the first place. i hate living. i hate having to deal and be responsible and care and choose and try and work and sweat and love and break. i hate having to endure that, day after day, week after week, year after year. what's the point of it all? everything i do i meaningless. seriously, like literally does not make a SINGLE difference in what i ultimately end up like. i could strive for perfection, try my darndest to work hard, enjoy life, gain balance, love deely--but it would matter as much as me endlessly giving in to sin. the total net effect of these actions, or even a combo of them (as my life has been so far): 0. a big, fat 0. so why the fuck should i even get up tomorrow? i just desperately want out. and ive wanted out of life for  a long, long time. if i could...i think i would take myself out of the game, out of reality. i want to be done experiencing and feeling and fighting. not like i have a really hard, painful life or anything like that. gosh no, definitely not; i have a lot to be thankful for and appreciative of. but ultimately none of that will matter; my judgment is already screwed as guilty. and i feel powerless to change. im just....stuck.

im stuck in this same place.

and i have been for years. i cant get out or over or around or through it...im just here again, repeating the same shit and trying like hell to keep things together. i just feel so apathetic--i dont care what happens to me, i dont care. nothing will change and i am doomed, essentially, to the same shitty, fucked up, justified existence in hell. all because of my choices and desires and lust for sin. and yet i can never let go of this haunting inside of me that death awaits...the torment of hell is breathing down my neck. the righteous anger of God is going to consume me for forever unless i stop and accept Christ as my Savior. but i just literally dont know how to do that! what do i do--there are so many roadblocks in my mind....Father God, please help me. please, please help me...

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to about this. Robbie would be good, but i really dont think he has any time considering that there are so, so many students already needing his help and ready to heal. i mean....im ready and really needing to talk. but im not actually ready to change--at least not in anything except maybe my thinking.

i hate that i have to go through all this and even consider it. i wish i could just erase myself. bam. done. gone. never existed and never going to exist. part of my heart feels sad, like i would miss the good things in life, i would miss the people i love. but if i truly were entirely removed from the equation, i would not be in people's lives and unlike It's a Wonderful Life, those people would be thriving and happy and sufficient in the world they have. think, in some ways, of all the lives that we already think may have ended too soon or never really started. everybody, hurt as they may be, is still getting along. i guess what im saying is you dont miss what youve never had. people would be fine wihout me. yes, the world would be fine--maybe even better--without me.

if only i knew how to cease...if only i knew how to erase myself entirely.

i cant surrender to Someone i dont trust

i am bitter about my childhood. i am bitter about the ideas i had that drove me to incessant obsession. i am angry that no one stopped me. i am angry that i couldnt even let anyone help me, that i couldnt trust anyone ecxept my own ideas. i am heartbroken over how insane i became over my honest desire just to be saved. i wanted it and sought it and prayed and cried over it. i fought the temptation of suicide in third grade. and i was guilty as hell over the Things I Did. my thougths were assualted and haunted by it, and i felt like i couldn't get any relief. i was addicted and angry at others trying to help me and yet desperately wanting to get out. for those of you who hate self-pity, im sorry but i dont care. my childhood saddens me. i trusted something, Somone and yet no matter how much i attempted to get close to Him my OCD-oriented mind could not escape my own hellish torment. i was plauged and exhausted by my own ideas. and i hate that that happened and feel entirely unable to come anywhere clsoe to getting over it. i just cant let go it. and i cant imagine ever going back. i dont want to say i refuse, but part of me already does. i wont go back to ignorance, to blind faith. i will not hurt myself again by subjecting my mind to such pain and assailing harrasment as occurred when i was a child. i wont let myself get hurt again by trusting something so blindly, by holding to an idea so tightly.

God help me. forgive me. i wish this weren't the case, but it is. i feel entirely unable to forgive, trust, or see Your hand in any of this. i dont know where You were and thus i feel like i cant let you in now. i dont trust You. i dont trust. for what happened then and for what i see happening in the Church now. i just feel like there's no standard, there's no consisteny, and there's no security. i cant let down my guard and fall into something so unstable, so uncontrolled. im sorry. please help me, God! please help me to trust! i need to but i have no idea how to get there. i feel trapped; i feel like my destiny is sealed. please, please God. if its not too late will You help me? i dont know what to do.

i mourn over how much i am like, Susan, God. i see her in myself, in my unwillingess to trust anything other than logic. how stupid and foolish i am! i feel like i want You to be safe. but as i know, "'Course He's not safe! But He's good. He's the King." You are not safe but You are good. You are good, God. perhaps if nothing else i can at least believe and agree and trust that. You are thoroughly good. i dont know why You would have let me go throught that as a child. i dont know if maybe i was still in the wrong, even though i didnt know it. and maybe im getting too caught up in things that, ultimately, do not matter so much as what i do now matters. maybe the point is that i wont know, but that was a season which i can/have grown beyond now and thus need to stop dwelling on. i just fear that things would be a repeat. i dont know how to ensure that they're not. i dont even know how to desire You and Your goodness. i feel like in my sinfulness now i cant. i feel so, so, so beyond You, Lord Jesus Christ. i feel so far gone. i dont know how to get or come back. please God, can You help me? can You change my heart and bring me back? can You show me how to trust? can You soften my heart towards You? right now i cant even say that i want You to do it because im scared that that would mean You'd begin to manipulate my mind and id get tricked into coming back...if i dont trust You, i cant ask to be made to surrender to You. its simply not possible for me to let that go. once i think i can trust....well, wait, i dont know. i dont know how i will ever get there without Your help. please, God...i dont even know what to pray anymore. im lost. im gone. i have no idea what i should do.

my time is ticking....

training the hell out of fear

tomorrow marks the start of both a new semester and the beginning of my half-marathon training. i will be honest--im scared as hell about what's about to take place over the next ten weeks. im really afraid of where my mind's going to go. with INSANITY, it got pretty freaking screwed up. i was a wreck by the end of that shit. seriously crazy in the head with my obsession over food. i was so....insane. literally. har har. and here i am again, same exact time of year, same amount of money, same (or nearly identical) food plan, and same crazy determination to beat the fuck out of the fat suctioned in lumpy craters around my thighs and butt. in so many ways things are a mirror image of the way that they were before.

yet they are not identical.

despite my fears and worries and wonderings, things are still not exactly the same. for one thing, i will be a lot busier with other things than strictly school, work, church, and INSANTY. im on campus, in a community of people, with friends and other adventerous things to keep me occupied. i plan to be volunteering, join ENACTUS, and...yeah. ;) im also taking more credits, for longer, than i was last spring semester. furthermore, i am not doing this program alone, i will be training (even if only via the web) with Ethan. so that should not only keep things a little more fun, but also provide motivation and clear thinking. im training for a goal, for a specific future event, not just random fitness. the point of doing this type of trianing, with its tapering off the last two weeks, is to prepare me to run a half marathon on St. Patricks Day; 13.1 miles. and i am excited and thrilled and passionate about accomplishing that. i want to earn the right to say ive run that before. have thousands of other people done it before me in better shape and in much shorter time? yes. absolutely. but that's not the point and that's not why im training. im in this to run--long and hard and far, day after day, blister after blister. also, things are not the same as before because im not eating quite as strictly as before. im allowing myself two 300-calorie indulgences a week, as opposed to only one previously. i wont be at home this time, watching my family eat hundreds more calories than me repeatedly every meal. i have my own schedule here at college, i control what foods i buy, what will sit in front of me at each fuel-time throughout the day.

so it will be okay, i think. because things will not be exactly the same. they may go better and they may go hellishly worse. i dont know. that's why im doing this--to journey through such an adeventure. i want to learn about myself things i didnt know or understand. i want clarity. i want to push myself and survive. i want to hurt and long and lust and say no, just ot say no. i want to push and push and keep pushing even when id rather die and binge and run away from it all. so that's what these next ten weeks of training are about. here's to training mean and eating clean for the half marathon race! to endurance! *cheers*