tomorrow marks the start of both a new semester and the beginning of my half-marathon training. i will be honest--im scared as hell about what's about to take place over the next ten weeks. im really afraid of where my mind's going to go. with INSANITY, it got pretty freaking screwed up. i was a wreck by the end of that shit. seriously crazy in the head with my obsession over food. i was so....insane. literally. har har. and here i am again, same exact time of year, same amount of money, same (or nearly identical) food plan, and same crazy determination to beat the fuck out of the fat suctioned in lumpy craters around my thighs and butt. in so many ways things are a mirror image of the way that they were before.
yet they are not identical.
despite my fears and worries and wonderings, things are still not exactly the same. for one thing, i will be a lot busier with other things than strictly school, work, church, and INSANTY. im on campus, in a community of people, with friends and other adventerous things to keep me occupied. i plan to be volunteering, join ENACTUS, and...yeah. ;) im also taking more credits, for longer, than i was last spring semester. furthermore, i am not doing this program alone, i will be training (even if only via the web) with Ethan. so that should not only keep things a little more fun, but also provide motivation and clear thinking. im training for a goal, for a specific future event, not just random fitness. the point of doing this type of trianing, with its tapering off the last two weeks, is to prepare me to run a half marathon on St. Patricks Day; 13.1 miles. and i am excited and thrilled and passionate about accomplishing that. i want to earn the right to say ive run that before. have thousands of other people done it before me in better shape and in much shorter time? yes. absolutely. but that's not the point and that's not why im training. im in this to run--long and hard and far, day after day, blister after blister. also, things are not the same as before because im not eating quite as strictly as before. im allowing myself two 300-calorie indulgences a week, as opposed to only one previously. i wont be at home this time, watching my family eat hundreds more calories than me repeatedly every meal. i have my own schedule here at college, i control what foods i buy, what will sit in front of me at each fuel-time throughout the day.
so it will be okay, i think. because things will not be exactly the same. they may go better and they may go hellishly worse. i dont know. that's why im doing this--to journey through such an adeventure. i want to learn about myself things i didnt know or understand. i want clarity. i want to push myself and survive. i want to hurt and long and lust and say no, just ot say no. i want to push and push and keep pushing even when id rather die and binge and run away from it all. so that's what these next ten weeks of training are about. here's to training mean and eating clean for the half marathon race! to endurance! *cheers*
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