i just feel so insanely depressed now that therapy has been cut off. my heart is just...dying inside. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry and mourn and stay depressed. i dont want to fucking live! gosh i hate life. but anyways, sorry, i know this sounds really self-pitying and pessimistic, especially when i have so much to be thankful for. i will justify myself when i have the energy.
but today i dont. it was and is extremely weird to think that after spending months talking with a person, sharing with them your deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets that you've never told anyone else before, nearly crying in front of them, being totally, gut-wrenchingly honest about everything, you could just end it all with a handshake and a "thank you." i mean seriously. i just cant move past this...i cant. im heartbroken and devestated and totally off-kilter. i let someone in, deeper than i think i have let anyone else in throughout the course of my entire life, and we're just done now. just fucking done. i feel like throwing up. i have thrown up. and ive binged. today that hell started gradually, with me slowly eating two mushroom english muffin pizzas, but then gained momentum as i scarfed down more and more food. and then i purged, of course. that part lasted for a long time actually. i felt the acid touch my raw throat as i stuck my vomit-covered fingers back inside. another gag. another. another. felt the familiar splash of throw up kiss my foot. saw a tear fall into my mess. hurt and hurt. tried not to think. thought even harder. and then it all repeated itself. its amazing how creative you can become in the kitchen when you have little food and strong binge temptations. so im back to the same shit again, huh? another fucking semester of expensive food addiction. i miss Robbie in an extremely weird way. i feel like i cant cope with how our relationship ended; i dont understand how to just walk away from such a relationship. and part of me feels like we left things without a mutual understanding.
i feel like telling him that the past three weeks i had been binge-free may not have been a good idea. i feel like once he heard that, he just scrapped the whole thing and was like, well, apparently you can change when you want to so 'dont say you cant. and im worried that he feels like i was deceiving him. and his perscription, that i should essentially just decide to eat and run like someone who is always in training, was ridiculous. in his mind, if that's all i need, then i should be set. but i brought up the point that i cant seem to function in in-betweens. im either binging or perfectly perfect, but there's no wiggle room. i personally see that as a problem, but i think he was just like, well hell you're not b/ping so be happy. and even when i brought up that i dont think that style would work because i always return to binging after intense training, and that is in some ways the only way i know how to get through those training weeks, he was just like, well, then you've set yourself up mentally to binge when that's done and if you just didnt ever stop training you would stop binging. i just want to cry...he really doesnt get it. i mean, i think those are valid points, but i also know that i simply dont work like that. i tried to be healthy and think tiger-training-fanatic mindset but still ended up giving in to the Ben and Jerrys and candy and cake and cookies last night. why? because my mind and the part of me that craves binging is like, dude we dont buy it--there's no real goal or commitment here, you're just doing this to do it. so bullshit--give in to the junk! enter weight gain and overeating and purging. i just wish i could start training for that half marathon now. i dont want to wait until March to start--i want to be committed and have success now, while im still in relatively good shape from the 3 weeks of work i did put in. i dont want to gain it back and lose muscle and go ape-shit over food all the time.
i guess im just going to try and be decent, keep crap out of the dorm, and maintain a decent exercise routine. then after spring break, we'll hit it hard with new eating and a 12-week training program. for now, though, im just going to go sign up for that race so i dont lose my spot or my dedication to training for it.
anyways, overall im just super depressed and lethargic and crying and missing lately. hopefully (and most likely) this will pass in time. but for now...it's here. i guess i should go try and get some work done for my classes...
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