i am bitter about my childhood. i am bitter about the ideas i had that drove me to incessant obsession. i am angry that no one stopped me. i am angry that i couldnt even let anyone help me, that i couldnt trust anyone ecxept my own ideas. i am heartbroken over how insane i became over my honest desire just to be saved. i wanted it and sought it and prayed and cried over it. i fought the temptation of suicide in third grade. and i was guilty as hell over the Things I Did. my thougths were assualted and haunted by it, and i felt like i couldn't get any relief. i was addicted and angry at others trying to help me and yet desperately wanting to get out. for those of you who hate self-pity, im sorry but i dont care. my childhood saddens me. i trusted something, Somone and yet no matter how much i attempted to get close to Him my OCD-oriented mind could not escape my own hellish torment. i was plauged and exhausted by my own ideas. and i hate that that happened and feel entirely unable to come anywhere clsoe to getting over it. i just cant let go it. and i cant imagine ever going back. i dont want to say i refuse, but part of me already does. i wont go back to ignorance, to blind faith. i will not hurt myself again by subjecting my mind to such pain and assailing harrasment as occurred when i was a child. i wont let myself get hurt again by trusting something so blindly, by holding to an idea so tightly.
God help me. forgive me. i wish this weren't the case, but it is. i feel entirely unable to forgive, trust, or see Your hand in any of this. i dont know where You were and thus i feel like i cant let you in now. i dont trust You. i dont trust. for what happened then and for what i see happening in the Church now. i just feel like there's no standard, there's no consisteny, and there's no security. i cant let down my guard and fall into something so unstable, so uncontrolled. im sorry. please help me, God! please help me to trust! i need to but i have no idea how to get there. i feel trapped; i feel like my destiny is sealed. please, please God. if its not too late will You help me? i dont know what to do.
i mourn over how much i am like, Susan, God. i see her in myself, in my unwillingess to trust anything other than logic. how stupid and foolish i am! i feel like i want You to be safe. but as i know, "'Course He's not safe! But He's good. He's the King." You are not safe but You are good. You are good, God. perhaps if nothing else i can at least believe and agree and trust that. You are thoroughly good. i dont know why You would have let me go throught that as a child. i dont know if maybe i was still in the wrong, even though i didnt know it. and maybe im getting too caught up in things that, ultimately, do not matter so much as what i do now matters. maybe the point is that i wont know, but that was a season which i can/have grown beyond now and thus need to stop dwelling on. i just fear that things would be a repeat. i dont know how to ensure that they're not. i dont even know how to desire You and Your goodness. i feel like in my sinfulness now i cant. i feel so, so, so beyond You, Lord Jesus Christ. i feel so far gone. i dont know how to get or come back. please God, can You help me? can You change my heart and bring me back? can You show me how to trust? can You soften my heart towards You? right now i cant even say that i want You to do it because im scared that that would mean You'd begin to manipulate my mind and id get tricked into coming back...if i dont trust You, i cant ask to be made to surrender to You. its simply not possible for me to let that go. once i think i can trust....well, wait, i dont know. i dont know how i will ever get there without Your help. please, God...i dont even know what to pray anymore. im lost. im gone. i have no idea what i should do.
my time is ticking....
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