ceasing

i really wish, more so than probably anything else in life, literally, that i just honestly did not exist. not that i could just be dead--because we all know that death just brings you right into your eternal reward--but literally never have been conceived of in the first place. i hate living. i hate having to deal and be responsible and care and choose and try and work and sweat and love and break. i hate having to endure that, day after day, week after week, year after year. what's the point of it all? everything i do i meaningless. seriously, like literally does not make a SINGLE difference in what i ultimately end up like. i could strive for perfection, try my darndest to work hard, enjoy life, gain balance, love deely--but it would matter as much as me endlessly giving in to sin. the total net effect of these actions, or even a combo of them (as my life has been so far): 0. a big, fat 0. so why the fuck should i even get up tomorrow? i just desperately want out. and ive wanted out of life for  a long, long time. if i could...i think i would take myself out of the game, out of reality. i want to be done experiencing and feeling and fighting. not like i have a really hard, painful life or anything like that. gosh no, definitely not; i have a lot to be thankful for and appreciative of. but ultimately none of that will matter; my judgment is already screwed as guilty. and i feel powerless to change. im just....stuck.

im stuck in this same place.

and i have been for years. i cant get out or over or around or through it...im just here again, repeating the same shit and trying like hell to keep things together. i just feel so apathetic--i dont care what happens to me, i dont care. nothing will change and i am doomed, essentially, to the same shitty, fucked up, justified existence in hell. all because of my choices and desires and lust for sin. and yet i can never let go of this haunting inside of me that death awaits...the torment of hell is breathing down my neck. the righteous anger of God is going to consume me for forever unless i stop and accept Christ as my Savior. but i just literally dont know how to do that! what do i do--there are so many roadblocks in my mind....Father God, please help me. please, please help me...

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to about this. Robbie would be good, but i really dont think he has any time considering that there are so, so many students already needing his help and ready to heal. i mean....im ready and really needing to talk. but im not actually ready to change--at least not in anything except maybe my thinking.

i hate that i have to go through all this and even consider it. i wish i could just erase myself. bam. done. gone. never existed and never going to exist. part of my heart feels sad, like i would miss the good things in life, i would miss the people i love. but if i truly were entirely removed from the equation, i would not be in people's lives and unlike It's a Wonderful Life, those people would be thriving and happy and sufficient in the world they have. think, in some ways, of all the lives that we already think may have ended too soon or never really started. everybody, hurt as they may be, is still getting along. i guess what im saying is you dont miss what youve never had. people would be fine wihout me. yes, the world would be fine--maybe even better--without me.

if only i knew how to cease...if only i knew how to erase myself entirely.