thanksgiving pain

today, I don't want to be here. but im sitting with myself, feeling and thinking and awareness-ing my way through this not wanting to be here.

today im in pain. my teeth hurt and throb like someone has been touching them with ice cream for too long. its the zinging pain of gums eaten away with acid, leaving their underlying nerves encased in too thin of membranes. they hurt from too much sugar, they hurt from so little water, they hurt from purging.

my stomach and intestines hurt from too much food and, again, too little water. the eating hasn't stopped all weekend and im quite sick of it. I want to be done, I want to be back in the safety and routine of my dorm. I am severely overweight and can tell I have gained fat all over my butt and thighs and hips. it is the most ive ever had and I hate it. all I can think about is D's being a size 2 and saying she didn't think fat looked good on people. all I can think of is the memories of D and E trying on the clothes from our aunt and actually having options to choose from because they could fit into them. I, on the other hand, was too big. I couldn't join them in the fun silliness of trying on hand-me-downs. I just observed from my bed, feeling the rolls of fat spill over my jeans.

and speaking of jeans, it hurts to wear the only pair I brought. It hurts to sit on the floor and cross my legs. hence why I gave up before even starting to pack. it hurts to have this much excess weight on my body. its exhausting and pinches and squishes under my knees. it shakes when I walk and prevents me from being able to wear dress pants. I cant give myself good things in life because of this weight. my clothes don't fit. its expensive to buy all this food, its expensive to leave my family for it, and its expensive to invest in bigger sized clothing that wont fit in two months.

all in all, this just makes me want to cry and be angry and depressed and just leave myself until im back at school--where im expecting everything to magically heal itself. which is not a realistic view; the same issues can arise there. but it would help not having all this food around to check myself on.

what I need right now is kindness. I need space to breathe, I need to sit with myself and listen to my heart or my silence. I need to massage my neck and drink water and feel what needs to be felt. im here for you, my dear; trust that this will work and your weight will not always be an issue. it starts with beliefs, darling. it starts with beliefs and staying present and identifying your needs before trying to heal them. so we'll keep showing up. we'll keep doing that.

therapy shit. again.

im not sure if just continuing to show up and be with myself is enough. i just want to bail and bolt and leave and be done with therapy, done with healing. i keep failing. i keep not doing what we talked about. i keep choosing binges and purges. i hate therapy. i want to quit. i don't want to stay with myself. i want to try healing on my own again, though even then i generally left at some point. im just not sure that my therapist really understands my idea of healing. i think she has a different idea in mind. and i don't feel like i can accomplish this because im so unwilling to come back to myself every day. i cant apply these concepts of eating what i want when i am hungry and stopping when im full consistently enough for them to make any sort of a difference. they're so sporadic i just end up gaining weight and getting sick. i don't want to just talk about my week every time we get together. i want to get at deeper issues.

if i leave therapy, what could possibly be left? this is why im convinced i will never go anywhere in life. because im just so fucking unwilling to change anything and deal with my feelings. AND I NEED SOMEONE TO STAY IN THAT WITH ME AND INSIST THAT I TRY AND KEEP QUESTIONING AND COMFORTING AND HELPING ME. that is what i need and that is what no one can give me. i cant do this alone, guys; you cant just help me with therapy once a week and then expect me to perfectly perform all we discussed over the next seven days. i cant do that.

this all feels disgustingly similar to Robbie. i hate that. it makes me wonder/think/fear that the problem is me. ha. what an idea. its probably the truth.

i don't know what to do in therapy. i feel terrified of being honest. i feel like my therapist has a way she wants things to go and i don't know how to perform that way. id like to die. id like to be DONE with it all. i cant keep coming back to this. i need HELP i need someone to tell me how to change. i need someone to cheer me on and not keep throwing all my shit back in my lap, just sorted out. i want actual ideas i can digest and run with. i know, this sucks because im supposed to be taking personal responsibility and working hard and making choices etc etc etc. but this is exactly what grace has done to me--its turned me completely into this lazy fat whore of a slob who reassures herself with every binge that it doesn't matter how much weight you gain because you always end up accepting yourself anyways.  FUCK THIS.


ugh. i need to tell my therapist this. i need to be honest with her and say hey, here i am--i don't understand grace again. i came into this from the other side and now have slipped right through to the opposite extreme. can you help me find the middle ground back from there? i don't know where it is.

i DO want to change. i just don't want the consequences of feeling pain that change brings. fuck this paradigm.

sliced

what S said to me just now was hurtful, very hurtful. I am in pain from it. she came in and told me that she finally realized her problem: she's incredibly selfish. why? I questioned, shocked. she said its because she has gotten like, three professions of love from men she doesn't care about this week and she doesn't love any of them back, she just takes their affection and walks away. and then after my asking 7000 times she finally admits who one of the guys was: Sam (a mystery guy who i expected liked her). but then she tries to change the subject when i get for more details, asking me about work and my day and blah blah blah. yeah, you may think im rude and stuck up for not being honored by this interest but she was NOT doing it for my sake--she was totally and completely doing it for her own. she doesn't want to tell me these things or share with me so she just either says nothing or teases me with details. and for a long time i just put up with that and figured it was her life, not mine, and she had rights to boundaries, etc. but i don't feel that way anymore. to quote Tom, "you don't do those kinds of things with your friends!" we have fun and we've shared a lot of deep things with one another and i feel like i tell her so much and she just does not share back. at least not nearly evenly enough. and i know that a huge part of me is just too curious for her sake and needs to not be hypocritical and practice what i preach about being selfless and thereby taking less information. but things are not the same as they were last fall or even last spring. we are closer now and i feel like S needs to understand that i am hurt, deeply hurt, by her rejection of my inquiry and her refusal to share things that happen to her with me. i am hurt and pissed and sick-and-fucking tired of playing these games where i beg for half an hour while she refuses to budge. i know shed claim to just be happy if i stopped and left her alone, but she seriously undervalues how humiliating it is to be the one in that position of begging. i hate that i do it to myself. but, for me, that insistence from anyone else would be taken as a sign of affection and i would appreciate it. that's clearly not the fucking case here.

i was also insulted by the culmination of several other things that happened at this time. S also tried to change the subject by asking me if id eaten dinner yet, to which i replied maybe. and she then says, i care about your nutrition. and then--this is the part that FUCKING KILLS ME--after i tell her she's being a little hypocritical, she goes, yeah i only had about a half glass of water today. I HATE YOU SO MUCH! i wanted to kill her. i just HATE her attitude when she says that, i HATE her control, i hate it more than anything else in the world. it pisses me off like nothing else. and it feels like shes pouring gravel into an open wound and then digging it in with sharp knives. it hurts so fucking bad. it's like she's saying to me, "guys like me, way too many to count, but they never like you--so take that emotional and social rejection." and then she adds, "and i don't eat anything and get to lose all this weight, that's probably why guys like me--so that that physical and emotional rejection even further, you little screwed up fucking bulimic." and then she finishes by utterly refusing to give me any details or share anything personal with me. another emotional and social rejection. really, really painful. i hate it. it hurts so bad. i just want to binge and restrict and purge and hide. i want to rebel against her stupid statements and recoil from her presence. hence why i left the room to go be angry somewhere safe. i was so tempted, the more i stewed over this, to just verbally spew in frustration, "God, S, you never give!!! You never give, do you?!" and then just leave. i guess her original assessment was correct. she is selfish.

but so am i, of course, in demanding that now that we're closer, our friendship should be done differently than it was before. i didn't become friends with S by forcing my way in. i let boundaries lie where they were, i let her share at will and gave her space when she needed it. i still think its okay to be hurt, but i cant expect to deepen our friendship through force. i need to be tolerant and respect S's way, if i truly want to be her friend. that's what friend's do, after all. they put up with each other's quirks, whether they're hilarious and delightful or really painful and challenging. i still love S. she still has great qualities, and i am no better off than her in the whole selfish department. i have flaws, deep flaws, as well. we both need grace. so i stay here in this. i stay with her, i choose to. i will let her let me in her own time. i will stop forcing so much. i will let things go and respect her space, even if i disagree with it. i will tell her when im hurt if and when its appropriate. i will remember that she can also be very selfless with other people. i will remember that she can still be very good.

ideally, id be dead

suicide ideation.

yes.

lots and lots of suicide ideation.

i just want to be done with life. please, please, please let me be done.

i hate addiction; i am sick of struggling. and worst of all--i really don't see any hope for myself. i realized that tonight in the bathroom, that depression and hopelessness are the norm for me. they are what i expect life will always come back to once the good parts are gone. they're, ironically, my blue sky above the clouds, not the happy/healthy/recovered me.

recovery feels impossible. i cant envision it for myself.

i also, once again, have come to the realization that i don't want to recover, i don't want to have a great life outside of Christianity. i don't believe its fully possible nor do i want to silence the nagging, haunting sense that there is something deeply flawed with me and Someone missing from my life that i long for. if i cannot have Him, and i cannot fully have my ED, but instead must try to live a semblance of a normal life, all the while dying inside, id rather die on the outside too. i hate this dissonance.