thanksgiving pain

today, I don't want to be here. but im sitting with myself, feeling and thinking and awareness-ing my way through this not wanting to be here.

today im in pain. my teeth hurt and throb like someone has been touching them with ice cream for too long. its the zinging pain of gums eaten away with acid, leaving their underlying nerves encased in too thin of membranes. they hurt from too much sugar, they hurt from so little water, they hurt from purging.

my stomach and intestines hurt from too much food and, again, too little water. the eating hasn't stopped all weekend and im quite sick of it. I want to be done, I want to be back in the safety and routine of my dorm. I am severely overweight and can tell I have gained fat all over my butt and thighs and hips. it is the most ive ever had and I hate it. all I can think about is D's being a size 2 and saying she didn't think fat looked good on people. all I can think of is the memories of D and E trying on the clothes from our aunt and actually having options to choose from because they could fit into them. I, on the other hand, was too big. I couldn't join them in the fun silliness of trying on hand-me-downs. I just observed from my bed, feeling the rolls of fat spill over my jeans.

and speaking of jeans, it hurts to wear the only pair I brought. It hurts to sit on the floor and cross my legs. hence why I gave up before even starting to pack. it hurts to have this much excess weight on my body. its exhausting and pinches and squishes under my knees. it shakes when I walk and prevents me from being able to wear dress pants. I cant give myself good things in life because of this weight. my clothes don't fit. its expensive to buy all this food, its expensive to leave my family for it, and its expensive to invest in bigger sized clothing that wont fit in two months.

all in all, this just makes me want to cry and be angry and depressed and just leave myself until im back at school--where im expecting everything to magically heal itself. which is not a realistic view; the same issues can arise there. but it would help not having all this food around to check myself on.

what I need right now is kindness. I need space to breathe, I need to sit with myself and listen to my heart or my silence. I need to massage my neck and drink water and feel what needs to be felt. im here for you, my dear; trust that this will work and your weight will not always be an issue. it starts with beliefs, darling. it starts with beliefs and staying present and identifying your needs before trying to heal them. so we'll keep showing up. we'll keep doing that.