therapy shit. again.

im not sure if just continuing to show up and be with myself is enough. i just want to bail and bolt and leave and be done with therapy, done with healing. i keep failing. i keep not doing what we talked about. i keep choosing binges and purges. i hate therapy. i want to quit. i don't want to stay with myself. i want to try healing on my own again, though even then i generally left at some point. im just not sure that my therapist really understands my idea of healing. i think she has a different idea in mind. and i don't feel like i can accomplish this because im so unwilling to come back to myself every day. i cant apply these concepts of eating what i want when i am hungry and stopping when im full consistently enough for them to make any sort of a difference. they're so sporadic i just end up gaining weight and getting sick. i don't want to just talk about my week every time we get together. i want to get at deeper issues.

if i leave therapy, what could possibly be left? this is why im convinced i will never go anywhere in life. because im just so fucking unwilling to change anything and deal with my feelings. AND I NEED SOMEONE TO STAY IN THAT WITH ME AND INSIST THAT I TRY AND KEEP QUESTIONING AND COMFORTING AND HELPING ME. that is what i need and that is what no one can give me. i cant do this alone, guys; you cant just help me with therapy once a week and then expect me to perfectly perform all we discussed over the next seven days. i cant do that.

this all feels disgustingly similar to Robbie. i hate that. it makes me wonder/think/fear that the problem is me. ha. what an idea. its probably the truth.

i don't know what to do in therapy. i feel terrified of being honest. i feel like my therapist has a way she wants things to go and i don't know how to perform that way. id like to die. id like to be DONE with it all. i cant keep coming back to this. i need HELP i need someone to tell me how to change. i need someone to cheer me on and not keep throwing all my shit back in my lap, just sorted out. i want actual ideas i can digest and run with. i know, this sucks because im supposed to be taking personal responsibility and working hard and making choices etc etc etc. but this is exactly what grace has done to me--its turned me completely into this lazy fat whore of a slob who reassures herself with every binge that it doesn't matter how much weight you gain because you always end up accepting yourself anyways.  FUCK THIS.


ugh. i need to tell my therapist this. i need to be honest with her and say hey, here i am--i don't understand grace again. i came into this from the other side and now have slipped right through to the opposite extreme. can you help me find the middle ground back from there? i don't know where it is.

i DO want to change. i just don't want the consequences of feeling pain that change brings. fuck this paradigm.