sliced

what S said to me just now was hurtful, very hurtful. I am in pain from it. she came in and told me that she finally realized her problem: she's incredibly selfish. why? I questioned, shocked. she said its because she has gotten like, three professions of love from men she doesn't care about this week and she doesn't love any of them back, she just takes their affection and walks away. and then after my asking 7000 times she finally admits who one of the guys was: Sam (a mystery guy who i expected liked her). but then she tries to change the subject when i get for more details, asking me about work and my day and blah blah blah. yeah, you may think im rude and stuck up for not being honored by this interest but she was NOT doing it for my sake--she was totally and completely doing it for her own. she doesn't want to tell me these things or share with me so she just either says nothing or teases me with details. and for a long time i just put up with that and figured it was her life, not mine, and she had rights to boundaries, etc. but i don't feel that way anymore. to quote Tom, "you don't do those kinds of things with your friends!" we have fun and we've shared a lot of deep things with one another and i feel like i tell her so much and she just does not share back. at least not nearly evenly enough. and i know that a huge part of me is just too curious for her sake and needs to not be hypocritical and practice what i preach about being selfless and thereby taking less information. but things are not the same as they were last fall or even last spring. we are closer now and i feel like S needs to understand that i am hurt, deeply hurt, by her rejection of my inquiry and her refusal to share things that happen to her with me. i am hurt and pissed and sick-and-fucking tired of playing these games where i beg for half an hour while she refuses to budge. i know shed claim to just be happy if i stopped and left her alone, but she seriously undervalues how humiliating it is to be the one in that position of begging. i hate that i do it to myself. but, for me, that insistence from anyone else would be taken as a sign of affection and i would appreciate it. that's clearly not the fucking case here.

i was also insulted by the culmination of several other things that happened at this time. S also tried to change the subject by asking me if id eaten dinner yet, to which i replied maybe. and she then says, i care about your nutrition. and then--this is the part that FUCKING KILLS ME--after i tell her she's being a little hypocritical, she goes, yeah i only had about a half glass of water today. I HATE YOU SO MUCH! i wanted to kill her. i just HATE her attitude when she says that, i HATE her control, i hate it more than anything else in the world. it pisses me off like nothing else. and it feels like shes pouring gravel into an open wound and then digging it in with sharp knives. it hurts so fucking bad. it's like she's saying to me, "guys like me, way too many to count, but they never like you--so take that emotional and social rejection." and then she adds, "and i don't eat anything and get to lose all this weight, that's probably why guys like me--so that that physical and emotional rejection even further, you little screwed up fucking bulimic." and then she finishes by utterly refusing to give me any details or share anything personal with me. another emotional and social rejection. really, really painful. i hate it. it hurts so bad. i just want to binge and restrict and purge and hide. i want to rebel against her stupid statements and recoil from her presence. hence why i left the room to go be angry somewhere safe. i was so tempted, the more i stewed over this, to just verbally spew in frustration, "God, S, you never give!!! You never give, do you?!" and then just leave. i guess her original assessment was correct. she is selfish.

but so am i, of course, in demanding that now that we're closer, our friendship should be done differently than it was before. i didn't become friends with S by forcing my way in. i let boundaries lie where they were, i let her share at will and gave her space when she needed it. i still think its okay to be hurt, but i cant expect to deepen our friendship through force. i need to be tolerant and respect S's way, if i truly want to be her friend. that's what friend's do, after all. they put up with each other's quirks, whether they're hilarious and delightful or really painful and challenging. i still love S. she still has great qualities, and i am no better off than her in the whole selfish department. i have flaws, deep flaws, as well. we both need grace. so i stay here in this. i stay with her, i choose to. i will let her let me in her own time. i will stop forcing so much. i will let things go and respect her space, even if i disagree with it. i will tell her when im hurt if and when its appropriate. i will remember that she can also be very selfless with other people. i will remember that she can still be very good.