what color is watermelon?

if someone asked me how my night was tonight, id have no idea what to tell them. on the one hand, i had a pretty nice, laxidazical day with my roomie, which was topped off with a cozy night in the dorm where we laughed and threw notes at eachother and screwed around with some innocent prank calling and writing messages back and forth on facebook. the other part of the night consisted of me purging while she was outside chatting with her sister, and then me walking for 15 min. in the evening drizzle to go across the street to a 7-Eleven to spend over $10 on a pint of Ben and Jerry's, two cream cheese danishes, and a Mrs. Field's cookie. it'd also consist of me proceeding to walk again in the mist to the Student Center where i locked myself in an abandoned bathroom stall for half an hour to devour my food as quickly as i could and then purge it up in the toilet. + and - more than 2000 calories later, i then walked once more back to the dorms with soggy sweat pant-bottoms and my hoodie yanked up over my ratty hair and bloodshot eyes.

so how do you define that evening? i had genuine fun and i had genuine hell. how do you go about describing that to someone? gosh, most often that's what my whole life feels like. ive gotten so comfortable lying to people and living as a hypocrite that its extremely easy for me to just switch between my two halves without much thought. but what a screwed up mess it leads to when you try to figure our where you stand with things...

anyways, just some thoughts i had.

self-sabatoge

so i just keep on feeling like i cant do this, or wont do this, i guess. i suppose i could if i really tried hard and applied myself. i just do not care about it anymore. i dont care about school, i dont care about my grades, i dont care about being productive. i miss home; i dont want to be here. im so sick and scared of being trapped in this eating disorder. alone time in my dorm room is so covetously-desirable and yet so disgustingly revolting at the same time. i hate it and i love it. i feel, as Gandalf said of Gollum, that i will never be rid of my need for it, for binging and purging. i just.....am so exhausted, you know? i want it to be over.

i realized yesterday when i was contemplating what i should do/how to handle things/what i would tell mom and dad, that ever since coming here, i have been completely sabatoging my life and myself. i am destroying my body by overeating and then vomitting, i am depleating my bank account just to endlessly buy food, and i am ruining my GPA by taking class that i have no intention of applying myself towards. not to mention im also wasting a huge, huge amount of Mom and Dad's money.

i just feel like, could i really go home? i mean, really, really go home. could i do it? it would be humiliating, uttery humiliating. i dont know if Mom and Dad would even let me; im guessing they'd say, finish out the semester, use the tickets we've already bought for you for Thanksgiving, try to take school one day at a time. and that would be good and make sense, because maybe things will get better. but right now i really dont think they will. i am consumed by my eating disorder and my sin and lack of salvation and nothing else in life really matters to me anymore, except friends.

part of me feels like i have no way to even tell my parents  that i legitimately cant handle school. bascially my entire life ive been told by tons and tons of people that im so mature for my age, im going to do great at college, etc. and while that is a huge compliment and i always excelled from it, now im here, and i feel like i cant do this, and i dont know how to tell someone that im not nearly as mature as i appear. i cant handle the basic 16 credits ive got, i cant adjust, i cant motivate myself to care and work towards a goal. i hate that i am that way, i am extremely ashamed of it, and yet it is true.

so what to do? my plan for today is to work my butt off on school till 4:00ish, workout, go to the Regatta, and then work some more this weekend. Monday im supposed to have a counseling session, so we'll see how that goes. if it doesnt help though, or Robbie doesnt think i have any sort of real problem, then i will tell Mom and Dad that im ready to come home. or maybe i'll wait till Fall Break and tell Danae and then tell Mom and Dad. time to go.

giving up

i just cant fucking do this anymore! i desperately need to be alone for just 30 minutes! but no, Leia's here and is going to be staying for quite a while, of course exactly when Serena's gone. im so pissed. i need to binge and purge so fucking bad its physically making me feel suffocated and restless. pllleeeassseeee just let me be alone!

and school is just hell right now. im so behind on stuff i dont even care. i have a lab report due tomorrow and i dont even care about trying to finish it anymore. finally there is going to be a tangible result to what is going on inside me. i just dont care about trying to keep things together anymore. i dont care about getting fat and going to therapy or failing all my classes or going broke/spending 100's of dollars on binge-food. i dont care. im not a Christian, my life is currently pointless, and i have no reason to apply myself. im just so hurt and exhausted and wanting to cry and quit. i cant do this. and im humiliated and ashamed and i cant believe this is my life....but it is. and now Leia's leaving Regent, so i dont even care about friends too much anymore. i just cant keep up with them. or maybe i could but i dont care about doing it. i hate doing this work, i hate stress and challenges. i hate it all and i dont want to be part of it anymore. i cant fucking accomplish anythng! no, Colleen, im not going to go on to achieve great things. im going to fly home in three weeks and drop my classes and sit, obese, at home until something stops me.

i just feel terrible that mom and dad have invested so much time and money and care into getting me here and now i just cant handle anything, i cant cope, i cant do it. i dont know how in the hell im going to tell them. i guess im just going to wait until therapy and until things get a litlte worse. i dont know. i just cant believe that this is my reality. but it is. finally....finally the outside will match the inside. im so stressed about this my head is pounding. i just want to go to sleep and ditch school and go hang out with friends. yep, im a loser. yeah, im a college dropout. i cant wait to face everyone back home! yay. :/ wait till they hear...just fucking wait.

so now what. i have all this free time im not going to do this lab report im not going to go to class next Wednesday to present. im not. i just. i cant do it and i dont want to do it. it means nothing to me. and i see no gain in striving towards a pointless goal. i am such a piece of fucking shit.

fuck me. please, beat the living shit out of me.

epiphanies

i came to a realization today, much like the two i had upon my first couple weeks here. in case i didnt blog about them, they were that a.) if it wasnt for hell, i would unquestionably kill myself. no joke, and b.) i dont think there's anything God can do to reach me. my third little epiphany today was that i am willing to give up anything for food. anything. im not even kidding. i thought about all that food would cost me, all that this bulimia nd binge eating was requiring and im just thinking, i dont care. i dont care. i'll go broke, i'll ruin my stomach and my teeth. i'll fail my classes and quit school and live at home with mom and dad for the reast of my life. i dont care! i just dont fucking care! i just want to be able to eat everything that i want to eat whenever i want to eat it! Dominos and oreos and Krispy Kremes! and now that i can purge successfully i wont have to stop eating so soon! oh my gosh, it could go on forever! when can i do this?!?! please, please--i just want food!

as i was thinking through this, really considering it, i thought that maybe my morals were something i would want to keep despite food. like stealing, hell id never do that. and right as i thought that i recalled that i had taken some of my roommate's cream cheese this morning without her permission. who knows, i might steal more and more, maybe eventually i'll be selling my body somewhere to get food. where the fucking hell does it end???

the only thing, the ONLY thing that i want to hold onto is my friends here. that's it, but it's something. i dont want to give up these relationships and i know that if i did i would never be part of this group again. and i desperately dont want to leave...but other than that, nothing. nothing seems worth continuing on for.

so im thinking of getting help. of getting counseling NOW. because i dont know how much longer i can possibly stand to do this. i mean...i could but i swear im going to start failing my classes if i do. i just dont even know if im ready to try yet. what i really want is to be able to focus and work hard at school and understand things and get them done and not have to overeat all the time. but there's no magical cure that therapy will bring. it will still be work and we all know i suck at recovery, ive tried it before. besides, as soon as they discover im not a Christian they might just kick me out. and what if im rude and hate the guy and never want to go back? then what? how will i tell Mom and Dad? what if i just cant do it? what if im not sick enough and all i get is a lousy EDNOS B.S. diagnosis? i want this to be real! i want to say Mom and Dad that I HAD FUCKING BULIMIA!!! and you wouldnt just read 20-30 fucking pages out of a book each week because you were too fucking busy taking care of your tea party and Sunday school group! and i was DYING inside! i was dying. to their credit, they did try to help a lot. they did. but it wasnt enough and they would never have allowed me to have negative body image thoughts, or talk about diets id tried or really be honest about things. and they didnt know i wasnt a Christian, which im sure just made the addiction all that more puzzling.

i have 2.5 pita bread pockets for the rest of the week. no make that just 2, i think, and that's all the bread i have, other than rice or pasta. i ate an entire package of tortilla shells, two boxes of cereal, and a whole pack of english muffins in 3.5 days. i ate almost 3/4 of a container of cream cheese. i drank nearly an entire bottle of cherry coke. almost half a jar of prego sauce. 14 slices of swiss cheese. it is an insatiable hunger. i dont know what to do..

i dont know what to do.

creating in the kitchen

i discovered today that i really love to cook and experiment with food without following recipes. i mean, i do certainly go read recipes and am insipired by many of them. in fact, i love cookbooks and magazines or websites with food ideas, especially pinterest and clean cooking. there's so pretty and mesmerising and delicious-looking. and, haha, basically every meal ive ever made has come from a meal ive had before or a recipe ive followed. but i really enjoy the literal act of cooking. thinking of ingredients and throwing them together and tasting and trying and failing. like i made this awesomely delicious mexican thing tonight with shrimp, but i didnt find out until my first bite that i had totally forgotten to take off the tails! haha and it was great to just be able to laugh it off and know that i've learned a lesson in what to remember when cooking shrimp. im experimenting and growing and its great. it was so freeing really. to just create and work with color and smell and flavor and texture. after a long, frustrating week of feeling artistically handicapped, this was such a lovely break. no principles of design, no subjectivity-b.s., just cooking. :) and i actually did some fun cooking this morning too. nothing super crazy, just made an omlet with turkey, mushrooms, swiss cheese, and onion inside. it was SO good!

*sigh* i just really have loved making meals today. :)

although, not to become super negative and depressing but it's probably worth mentioning that i also had a horrible, horrible binge/purge today. i bought Nutella from the store like the fucking biggest idiot. how the hell did i even begin to image i wouldnt binge? i guess i knew i would and, like every other time, was intoxicated with lust for the food and decided that a binge was exactly what i wanted. i had DQ for lunch with friends, then came back and luckily was alone, so i ate Nutella straight out of the jar, spoonful after spoonful. then i added in tortilla shells and heated them up with the spread. i even did some raspberry/cream cheese variations, which were amazingly good. at this point it was time to purge. AMAZINGLY smooth purging! yes, there were chunks of bread, but that's never really bothered me and i had forgotten how perfectly easy it is to purge ice cream. so that was great. i then proceeded to shovel in three bowls of cereal with the remaining milk that i hadnt washed down the nutella with. dont worry, i threw nutella in with the cereal too. that was alright, but by this point i was so disgustingly full and sick of the taste of nutella that i felt horrible. i drank some pop, and then, though i was convinced initally that i never would, went to go purge. i was SO glad to purge at that point; i seriously have never hated the taste of a food so much but at that point all i wanted was it out of me and out of my mouth. ive still got some teeth marks on my hand from my deeds...been "growing" in my vomiting-techniques, i guess. after this, i felt good enough to go run, which i did. then i came back and ate a great, healthy dinner that i discussed above after balancing my checkbook. and now im craving junk food again, really wanting cookies and ice cream. plus im super bored because my friends are busy doing hw tonight and Serena's just sitting here working on stuff. im kinda ticked with her, actually. not really but just...i dont like her attitude towards me and food. like my suggestion to go to a frozen yogurt place was reproached and im just like, hey hun, you're not exactly the skinniest stick around here. so just shut the fuck up about my obese, celluite-covered fat okay?! i fucking know im a fat whore!

anyways, point being i think im going to go for another run. i just hate sitting here and waning to eat. plus i ate WAYYY too much today. need to go burn some more calories.

friends, truth, and hell

i really dont know anymore if i should tell my friends here the truth about who i am, about where im at in life. so often i feel that they would not accept me if i told them the truth. they'd leave, they'd feel awkward around me. unsure of what to talk about, uneasy as to whether or not you can even discuss Christian or spiritual things with nonbelievers. perphaps even doubting that my lack of faith is really God's will or whether or not that's even a possibility. and i always feel so stupid trying to explain how i came to that conclusion. but it's there; im confident it's an accurate appraisal. i just know from conversation that they hate hypocrites, they hate it when people are fake. perhaps they would reject me even now. it'd be justified. i just need help. i need prayer, i need truth. i dont want my college years to just be an extension of the false identity i had in high school/back home. because at some point it has to stop; at some point íve got to change and be honest. but im so comfortable here, and as much as id love to say that i wouldnt care if i didnt have friends, i would. i think what i'd hate most is just not knowing what anyone's thinking, not knowing what in the world is being said behind my back. endlessly hating myelf, wandering what ive done. and yet ultimately that would lead to freedom right? or at least  a chance.

today i read about that verse that discusses how it doesnt matter how bad a man wants or strives for salvation; ultimately it's dependent upon God's will. and there's two ways that this verse could be applied. it could simply mean that salvaiton is not an act or wish of man, it's strictly through Christ'sacriice. and yet that doesn't appear to be the focus here; i would say the point lies more in how it must be God's will that someone be saved. He has not predestined eveyone. and this is such an easy point for people who are already Christians to struggle for a little while with, and then push away, saying, we should not question God's will. but what the fucking hell are you supposed to do when it's you? what the HELL are you supposed to do. just what the fuck. because to me this says that no matter how honest i am with people, no matter how much i seek, no matter how much i cry, strive, do devotions, knock, beg, etc., if God Himself has not willed it I will have accomplished nothing. NOTHING!

Oh God it just keeps coming back to this, doesn't it? I just cannot escape this issue. I don't know what in the world I'm supposed to do about it. I desire to be honest and open with people I trust, and to seek othe'r people's guidance who do know You. But I fear that they won't understand what in the world I'm saying, they won't think Scripture supports it, like with Kim. And though I appreciate that she still cares and prays, the point is that she will not be nearly as insistent at finding an answer as someone who saw the truth the way I do (or am pretty sure I do). she thinks it will all work. i know hell awaits. clearly, there's a difference in urgency.

but perhaps telling Wes and Charity would be a good thing. perhaps they would be good people to confide in. perhaps they would be willing to listen and try......just try, to maybe help me sort things out. i dont really want to tell Hannah or Raluca, but maybe they'd be better people to share with. but i want to me open with my friends, i want to tell them. i want them to know this; and that's a very unusual thing for me. i trust then, perhaps like a fool who will soon cut himself in agony over a betrayal. but for now i trust them; their stories are like mine, except they had a happier ending...or at least present state. yes..perhaps this is worth the risk.

but what if it's not? i could lose all. and still end up in hell. yet wouldn't it be better to at least try, i guess? at least attempt to grasp salvation? the chance of gaining everlasting life outweighs the risk of losing some temporary security for ulitmate destruction, i guess.

oh Lord Jesus Christ. i don't know if You are even listening or if I am well beyond any hope of salvation. but if You are/if there's anyway You would help me though i dont deserve it, would You please continue to either open or shut doors? show me whether or not i should tell these guys. please help me to be sensitive to Your leading. amen.

running (or really exercise in general)

i hate running in the morning. HATE it. hate any form of strenuous activity in the morning, actually. even a 10:30am workout generlly sucks in my mind. who the hell wakes up and thinks to himself, "well i know my entire body has just barely registered that we're actually still alive and there's this process called breathing, but i think it'd be a good idea to throw my body around a few times, with as much speed and muscle engagement as i possibly could require, heck maybe i'll even throw in some EXTRA weight, like amounts i'd never want to be part of my flesh. and then maybe if im lucky i'll get to spice things up by being entirely unable to breathe throughout the whole adventure. gosh, YES, this is why I moved to shut off my alarm this morning! finally i remembered my purpose!" please go die. that self has only existed a total of three times in my life, all of which im sure were the result of my brain temporarily trying to reason withouth any coffee.

no, i thoroughly prefer an afternoon workout. there's nothing like getting out all the stress that's accumulated throughout the day. i love just pounding out a run; it's so refreshing. and you've had all day to "wake up" and get stuff done that you need to. this is your time to just take a break. not to mention you get to a rev up your metabolism for a healthy dinner. ah--love it! now that's not to say that sometimes you can get either a.) too busy to workout or b.) too "tired" to workout. However, those are still choices you're making, and on a whole I find myself much, much more likely to not skip an afternoon workout vs a morning one (not to say I've tried the latter that much but...still). Also, as far as the too tired thing goes, I've generally found that I actually feel more awake and energized after a run on days that I feel exhausted. So it can help you be more productive in your evenings as well!

sorry. i know this is pretty biased in favor of afternoon workouts. i just..yeah. really like them and wanted to throw out some reasons re: why since so many people seem to rah-rah the morning exercise thing. just some thoughts...