giving up

i just cant fucking do this anymore! i desperately need to be alone for just 30 minutes! but no, Leia's here and is going to be staying for quite a while, of course exactly when Serena's gone. im so pissed. i need to binge and purge so fucking bad its physically making me feel suffocated and restless. pllleeeassseeee just let me be alone!

and school is just hell right now. im so behind on stuff i dont even care. i have a lab report due tomorrow and i dont even care about trying to finish it anymore. finally there is going to be a tangible result to what is going on inside me. i just dont care about trying to keep things together anymore. i dont care about getting fat and going to therapy or failing all my classes or going broke/spending 100's of dollars on binge-food. i dont care. im not a Christian, my life is currently pointless, and i have no reason to apply myself. im just so hurt and exhausted and wanting to cry and quit. i cant do this. and im humiliated and ashamed and i cant believe this is my life....but it is. and now Leia's leaving Regent, so i dont even care about friends too much anymore. i just cant keep up with them. or maybe i could but i dont care about doing it. i hate doing this work, i hate stress and challenges. i hate it all and i dont want to be part of it anymore. i cant fucking accomplish anythng! no, Colleen, im not going to go on to achieve great things. im going to fly home in three weeks and drop my classes and sit, obese, at home until something stops me.

i just feel terrible that mom and dad have invested so much time and money and care into getting me here and now i just cant handle anything, i cant cope, i cant do it. i dont know how in the hell im going to tell them. i guess im just going to wait until therapy and until things get a litlte worse. i dont know. i just cant believe that this is my reality. but it is. finally....finally the outside will match the inside. im so stressed about this my head is pounding. i just want to go to sleep and ditch school and go hang out with friends. yep, im a loser. yeah, im a college dropout. i cant wait to face everyone back home! yay. :/ wait till they hear...just fucking wait.

so now what. i have all this free time im not going to do this lab report im not going to go to class next Wednesday to present. im not. i just. i cant do it and i dont want to do it. it means nothing to me. and i see no gain in striving towards a pointless goal. i am such a piece of fucking shit.

fuck me. please, beat the living shit out of me.