epiphanies

i came to a realization today, much like the two i had upon my first couple weeks here. in case i didnt blog about them, they were that a.) if it wasnt for hell, i would unquestionably kill myself. no joke, and b.) i dont think there's anything God can do to reach me. my third little epiphany today was that i am willing to give up anything for food. anything. im not even kidding. i thought about all that food would cost me, all that this bulimia nd binge eating was requiring and im just thinking, i dont care. i dont care. i'll go broke, i'll ruin my stomach and my teeth. i'll fail my classes and quit school and live at home with mom and dad for the reast of my life. i dont care! i just dont fucking care! i just want to be able to eat everything that i want to eat whenever i want to eat it! Dominos and oreos and Krispy Kremes! and now that i can purge successfully i wont have to stop eating so soon! oh my gosh, it could go on forever! when can i do this?!?! please, please--i just want food!

as i was thinking through this, really considering it, i thought that maybe my morals were something i would want to keep despite food. like stealing, hell id never do that. and right as i thought that i recalled that i had taken some of my roommate's cream cheese this morning without her permission. who knows, i might steal more and more, maybe eventually i'll be selling my body somewhere to get food. where the fucking hell does it end???

the only thing, the ONLY thing that i want to hold onto is my friends here. that's it, but it's something. i dont want to give up these relationships and i know that if i did i would never be part of this group again. and i desperately dont want to leave...but other than that, nothing. nothing seems worth continuing on for.

so im thinking of getting help. of getting counseling NOW. because i dont know how much longer i can possibly stand to do this. i mean...i could but i swear im going to start failing my classes if i do. i just dont even know if im ready to try yet. what i really want is to be able to focus and work hard at school and understand things and get them done and not have to overeat all the time. but there's no magical cure that therapy will bring. it will still be work and we all know i suck at recovery, ive tried it before. besides, as soon as they discover im not a Christian they might just kick me out. and what if im rude and hate the guy and never want to go back? then what? how will i tell Mom and Dad? what if i just cant do it? what if im not sick enough and all i get is a lousy EDNOS B.S. diagnosis? i want this to be real! i want to say Mom and Dad that I HAD FUCKING BULIMIA!!! and you wouldnt just read 20-30 fucking pages out of a book each week because you were too fucking busy taking care of your tea party and Sunday school group! and i was DYING inside! i was dying. to their credit, they did try to help a lot. they did. but it wasnt enough and they would never have allowed me to have negative body image thoughts, or talk about diets id tried or really be honest about things. and they didnt know i wasnt a Christian, which im sure just made the addiction all that more puzzling.

i have 2.5 pita bread pockets for the rest of the week. no make that just 2, i think, and that's all the bread i have, other than rice or pasta. i ate an entire package of tortilla shells, two boxes of cereal, and a whole pack of english muffins in 3.5 days. i ate almost 3/4 of a container of cream cheese. i drank nearly an entire bottle of cherry coke. almost half a jar of prego sauce. 14 slices of swiss cheese. it is an insatiable hunger. i dont know what to do..

i dont know what to do.