self-sabatoge

so i just keep on feeling like i cant do this, or wont do this, i guess. i suppose i could if i really tried hard and applied myself. i just do not care about it anymore. i dont care about school, i dont care about my grades, i dont care about being productive. i miss home; i dont want to be here. im so sick and scared of being trapped in this eating disorder. alone time in my dorm room is so covetously-desirable and yet so disgustingly revolting at the same time. i hate it and i love it. i feel, as Gandalf said of Gollum, that i will never be rid of my need for it, for binging and purging. i just.....am so exhausted, you know? i want it to be over.

i realized yesterday when i was contemplating what i should do/how to handle things/what i would tell mom and dad, that ever since coming here, i have been completely sabatoging my life and myself. i am destroying my body by overeating and then vomitting, i am depleating my bank account just to endlessly buy food, and i am ruining my GPA by taking class that i have no intention of applying myself towards. not to mention im also wasting a huge, huge amount of Mom and Dad's money.

i just feel like, could i really go home? i mean, really, really go home. could i do it? it would be humiliating, uttery humiliating. i dont know if Mom and Dad would even let me; im guessing they'd say, finish out the semester, use the tickets we've already bought for you for Thanksgiving, try to take school one day at a time. and that would be good and make sense, because maybe things will get better. but right now i really dont think they will. i am consumed by my eating disorder and my sin and lack of salvation and nothing else in life really matters to me anymore, except friends.

part of me feels like i have no way to even tell my parents  that i legitimately cant handle school. bascially my entire life ive been told by tons and tons of people that im so mature for my age, im going to do great at college, etc. and while that is a huge compliment and i always excelled from it, now im here, and i feel like i cant do this, and i dont know how to tell someone that im not nearly as mature as i appear. i cant handle the basic 16 credits ive got, i cant adjust, i cant motivate myself to care and work towards a goal. i hate that i am that way, i am extremely ashamed of it, and yet it is true.

so what to do? my plan for today is to work my butt off on school till 4:00ish, workout, go to the Regatta, and then work some more this weekend. Monday im supposed to have a counseling session, so we'll see how that goes. if it doesnt help though, or Robbie doesnt think i have any sort of real problem, then i will tell Mom and Dad that im ready to come home. or maybe i'll wait till Fall Break and tell Danae and then tell Mom and Dad. time to go.