i really dont know anymore if i should tell my friends here the truth about who i am, about where im at in life. so often i feel that they would not accept me if i told them the truth. they'd leave, they'd feel awkward around me. unsure of what to talk about, uneasy as to whether or not you can even discuss Christian or spiritual things with nonbelievers. perphaps even doubting that my lack of faith is really God's will or whether or not that's even a possibility. and i always feel so stupid trying to explain how i came to that conclusion. but it's there; im confident it's an accurate appraisal. i just know from conversation that they hate hypocrites, they hate it when people are fake. perhaps they would reject me even now. it'd be justified. i just need help. i need prayer, i need truth. i dont want my college years to just be an extension of the false identity i had in high school/back home. because at some point it has to stop; at some point íve got to change and be honest. but im so comfortable here, and as much as id love to say that i wouldnt care if i didnt have friends, i would. i think what i'd hate most is just not knowing what anyone's thinking, not knowing what in the world is being said behind my back. endlessly hating myelf, wandering what ive done. and yet ultimately that would lead to freedom right? or at least a chance.
today i read about that verse that discusses how it doesnt matter how bad a man wants or strives for salvation; ultimately it's dependent upon God's will. and there's two ways that this verse could be applied. it could simply mean that salvaiton is not an act or wish of man, it's strictly through Christ'sacriice. and yet that doesn't appear to be the focus here; i would say the point lies more in how it must be God's will that someone be saved. He has not predestined eveyone. and this is such an easy point for people who are already Christians to struggle for a little while with, and then push away, saying, we should not question God's will. but what the fucking hell are you supposed to do when it's you? what the HELL are you supposed to do. just what the fuck. because to me this says that no matter how honest i am with people, no matter how much i seek, no matter how much i cry, strive, do devotions, knock, beg, etc., if God Himself has not willed it I will have accomplished nothing. NOTHING!
Oh God it just keeps coming back to this, doesn't it? I just cannot escape this issue. I don't know what in the world I'm supposed to do about it. I desire to be honest and open with people I trust, and to seek othe'r people's guidance who do know You. But I fear that they won't understand what in the world I'm saying, they won't think Scripture supports it, like with Kim. And though I appreciate that she still cares and prays, the point is that she will not be nearly as insistent at finding an answer as someone who saw the truth the way I do (or am pretty sure I do). she thinks it will all work. i know hell awaits. clearly, there's a difference in urgency.
but perhaps telling Wes and Charity would be a good thing. perhaps they would be good people to confide in. perhaps they would be willing to listen and try......just try, to maybe help me sort things out. i dont really want to tell Hannah or Raluca, but maybe they'd be better people to share with. but i want to me open with my friends, i want to tell them. i want them to know this; and that's a very unusual thing for me. i trust then, perhaps like a fool who will soon cut himself in agony over a betrayal. but for now i trust them; their stories are like mine, except they had a happier ending...or at least present state. yes..perhaps this is worth the risk.
but what if it's not? i could lose all. and still end up in hell. yet wouldn't it be better to at least try, i guess? at least attempt to grasp salvation? the chance of gaining everlasting life outweighs the risk of losing some temporary security for ulitmate destruction, i guess.
oh Lord Jesus Christ. i don't know if You are even listening or if I am well beyond any hope of salvation. but if You are/if there's anyway You would help me though i dont deserve it, would You please continue to either open or shut doors? show me whether or not i should tell these guys. please help me to be sensitive to Your leading. amen.
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