i discovered today that i really love to cook and experiment with food without following recipes. i mean, i do certainly go read recipes and am insipired by many of them. in fact, i love cookbooks and magazines or websites with food ideas, especially pinterest and clean cooking. there's so pretty and mesmerising and delicious-looking. and, haha, basically every meal ive ever made has come from a meal ive had before or a recipe ive followed. but i really enjoy the literal act of cooking. thinking of ingredients and throwing them together and tasting and trying and failing. like i made this awesomely delicious mexican thing tonight with shrimp, but i didnt find out until my first bite that i had totally forgotten to take off the tails! haha and it was great to just be able to laugh it off and know that i've learned a lesson in what to remember when cooking shrimp. im experimenting and growing and its great. it was so freeing really. to just create and work with color and smell and flavor and texture. after a long, frustrating week of feeling artistically handicapped, this was such a lovely break. no principles of design, no subjectivity-b.s., just cooking. :) and i actually did some fun cooking this morning too. nothing super crazy, just made an omlet with turkey, mushrooms, swiss cheese, and onion inside. it was SO good!
*sigh* i just really have loved making meals today. :)
although, not to become super negative and depressing but it's probably worth mentioning that i also had a horrible, horrible binge/purge today. i bought Nutella from the store like the fucking biggest idiot. how the hell did i even begin to image i wouldnt binge? i guess i knew i would and, like every other time, was intoxicated with lust for the food and decided that a binge was exactly what i wanted. i had DQ for lunch with friends, then came back and luckily was alone, so i ate Nutella straight out of the jar, spoonful after spoonful. then i added in tortilla shells and heated them up with the spread. i even did some raspberry/cream cheese variations, which were amazingly good. at this point it was time to purge. AMAZINGLY smooth purging! yes, there were chunks of bread, but that's never really bothered me and i had forgotten how perfectly easy it is to purge ice cream. so that was great. i then proceeded to shovel in three bowls of cereal with the remaining milk that i hadnt washed down the nutella with. dont worry, i threw nutella in with the cereal too. that was alright, but by this point i was so disgustingly full and sick of the taste of nutella that i felt horrible. i drank some pop, and then, though i was convinced initally that i never would, went to go purge. i was SO glad to purge at that point; i seriously have never hated the taste of a food so much but at that point all i wanted was it out of me and out of my mouth. ive still got some teeth marks on my hand from my deeds...been "growing" in my vomiting-techniques, i guess. after this, i felt good enough to go run, which i did. then i came back and ate a great, healthy dinner that i discussed above after balancing my checkbook. and now im craving junk food again, really wanting cookies and ice cream. plus im super bored because my friends are busy doing hw tonight and Serena's just sitting here working on stuff. im kinda ticked with her, actually. not really but just...i dont like her attitude towards me and food. like my suggestion to go to a frozen yogurt place was reproached and im just like, hey hun, you're not exactly the skinniest stick around here. so just shut the fuck up about my obese, celluite-covered fat okay?! i fucking know im a fat whore!
anyways, point being i think im going to go for another run. i just hate sitting here and waning to eat. plus i ate WAYYY too much today. need to go burn some more calories.
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