any takers? going once, twice....ninety nine times, 100?? ANYONE?!

*sigh* you know, normally being single really doesnt bother me; im okay with it and with other couples and beautiful people. but recently its just really been screwing with my head to see all these gorgeous, fun, kind, loving boys and girls getting together and being perfect. i just...ugh. i feel like this crappy little piece of shit, attempting to be a cool older kid when im really just this nerdy little eigth grader who's ugly and fat and really, really unattractive and not funny or smart or cool or worth being with. like knowing me or friending me is a responsibility that others take on as part of their "being nice people" guilt versus actually wanting to be and enjoying being with me. gah id just like to be wanted, legitimately. hearing people say you're pretty or nice or that they're surprised you dont have a BF means absolute shit unless someone actually make a move/effort to ask you out/stalk you. BAH! so frustrating and humiliating and saddening.

and i know i know--i shouldnt let this define me. and normally it doesnt and im okay with being alone, but for goodness sakes, can i please at least have one measly little, roasted-goat's-tongue of an offer?! please???

signing off now.

late nights and even later mornings

its after four in the morning right now. and im still awake, binging and purging. although--naturally--mostly just binging. im thinking of maybe watching yet another movie and then treking over the Waffle House across the street at 5:30 to get some breakfast. part of me is starting to get tired, but part of me is also thinking about how basically from now until Christmas im hardly ever going to have some alone time here in the dorm. my roommate's coming back early from fall break tomorrow, so no more of these long, drawn-out, addicition-saturated days. kind of just makes me anxious, you know? like, get those last few binges and purges in because soon enough you wont be able to. im also practically out of all food here in my room, so if i do want to eat, it's going to require me to leave. and Waffle House is known for being cheap and seedy, so that's good. i have been getting more and more anxious about walking across campus at night, though. which is really odd, actually, because i never really used to be too bad but now i keep getting scared when i get over near the 7-Eleven. like, there's always some sketchy guys hanging around outside and i just get worried that i'll be either bothered or followed or taken. especially when i have to wait a long time at the crosswalk. so....yeah. but hopefully morning will be better than late at night. even if its dark, there's still just a different attitude about people, a little more fearful, knowing that morning light is coming soon. so i should be okay. maybe Shoney's would be open instead. never been to one but i think they're a diner format? just checked and looks like they're not open till 6:30. we is not lasting that long. waffle house is indeed open 24 hours. gosh, part of me is so tempted to just go there now. after all, who's really going to be out this late? ha. probably exactly the creepy people you'd never want to encounter alone in the dark, as i would be. idk....

sorry this post wasnt very deep. also, i have no idea if any actualy person reads my blog, versus just the spamming random advertising sites. but if you do read this---please, please, please always feel free to leave a comment! id love to connect with someone. :)

secure in the secrets

so today im visiting my sister at her college. its been great so far, really fun; we spent the day shopping in town at a tag-sale thing ,went to this amazing coffeeshop, saw some cool vintage dishes. all good stuff.

however, at lunch i brought up how unmotivated ive felt this semester, how i just dont care about doing school anymore, etc. etc. and .... gosh.  a few things to say. one, i felt like such a downer; i think Danae was really shocked, as she should have been, that this was honestly what i was feeling, especially in light of how much she loves schools, values it and is totally willing to invest lots of hard work towards it. and im just sitting there, like, yeah im a fatty who spends all her money on food and doesnt give a fuck about school. dont i deserve sympathy? i dont know. i just want to cry and hide myself in shame. like, seriously, i just feel so pathetic. and then too, i had so much fun today, and Danae was really passionately excited about her future, like when we were looking at cookbooks and all these cool things for houses and antiques and fall and coffee. she just lit up and you could totally tell, she's going somewhere, she knows what she wants in life, and she's going to work hard and to enjoy it all. and it made me so sad and depressed, to think that i'll probably never get that. i'll probably never graduate college, get a job, live outside of home with mom and dad. traveling? no. husband? no. great job? no.  im just going to go hole myself away in my addiction for the rest of my life. what if i never can recover? what if i just never can get over my desires and remain consumed for eternity with this whoreish obsession with food? WITH FUCKING FOOD?!?! just how the hell have i gotten here? im so sad by that thought. i feel like im losing out on so much life.

and thus now i feel haunted. haunted by the question, do i really want to give all this up? is it truly worth all of that? just to remain stuck, addicted and consumed by food, with no real way of living or pursuing any goals? i dont know if this weekend is a good or bad thing. part of me is really scared that it will encourage me to not give up. but that means just going back to how things were, to keeping myself locked in this prison of hypocrisy, where i pretened that i didnt have an eating disorder, where i pretened that i was a Christian, that any of my application towards school was really worthwhile. i dont want that again--i want to change and begin living authentically. but that requires that i break down first, that i stop faking it, that i be honest with myself and where im at. i mean, that's kinda why ive let things with this ED get so out of control. it was on purpose, because seriously, why shouldnt i? if im not a Christian, why should i pursue good things? i think Dad would say because there are natural benefits to doing what's right. and i would agree but again, what use is that to me? to live my entire life in a half-state of existance? never weak enough to choose God and never storng enough to truly thrive. always half-way there. sick and dead inside but trying to flourish. where the hell is the logic in that?

impossible. insanity. it would not make sense. although sometimes i wonder if what im doing now, letting everything fall apart, makes any sense either. if i know that i cant force myself to come to Christ, like the Holy Spirit must draw me, then i shouldnt be trying to create circumstances in which i break down, right? if its going to happen, God will let it happen right? maybe this forced destruction is as bad as my forced living. i just dont really want to fully recover things, i dont. im scared that it will just maintain the status quo. good gosh--please, for once, let me rock the fucking boat of my life! things are not okay. i dont want to die never having found Christ! im just so torn right now. i dont know what in the world i should do. maybe tearing apart what ive worked hard towards is a joke. maybe working towards it in the first place was a bigger one. who can say? i desperately wish i could talk with someone about this. maybe Robbie would be a good person to bring this up with...although i think, no humor intended, that he believes im a little insane in my thinking patterns. perhaps i am but, hell, they honestly make sense to me.

and thats another thing. i keep debating whether or not to let Danae or Erin in on what's going on.  they both know about my grades. and mom and dad know quite a bit re: therapy and my binging. but no one other than Robbie knows that im also purging, that im going broke as we speak, and that im not a Christian. that last one is really the piece, isnt it? its the key to making sense of all that's going on. its my biggest secret, really. i dont know what honesty would do to my family if i told them. i feel like itd make everything so awkward, everyone would feel so sensitive regarding me and food. gosh, i would be very uncomfortable around meal times and if i was ever alone. and the last thing i really want right now is to rob myself of the only ultimate comfort left: the security of home. i dont know--i keep thinking about telling Danae something while im here. just saying, hey im in therapy for an eating disorder right now, would you please pray for me? idk. what would that do to her? would that burden the hell out of her? probably. fuck, i feel so far from her here. like, you just see all these other close relationships that she has and that makes me so depressed. she's got people here who probably know her now better than i know her. wow. i feel like crap.

in conclusion, this is pretty fucked up, isnt it? yeah.

it is.

not what i expected

who am i anymore? seriously. i just have no idea. i feel like my identity, my core, my deep, has been changed. im not the same anymore, i cant keep the same fronts up, nor do i even want to. my desires have completely altered. back home, i knew who i was, i had dreams, plans; i knew why i wanted to go to college and felt a pretty strong confidence in what i wanted to do in and gain from life. my vision was set. i knew what i was willing to sacrifice and work hard towards. and now i just dont know that at all. i feel completely apathetic towards my school work. like, i totally envisioned this week consisting of really hard work on my end, late nights plowing away at my work, a good, strong sense of accomplishment, etc. but then i get all these bullshit assignments from my therapist, who im really hating right now, that just throw everything off. he essentially told me to not binge at all this week, and to portion out all my foods and only buy healthy stuff and tell mom about my out-of-control spending/give her control of my debit card, and to never let myself be alone in my room. UGH FUCK i hate that man! i dont even want to get boiling mad about that right now, like i typically do. we're just going to focus on other things.

so anyway, relating to school again, this week, especially today, has not consisted of hard work on my part. i found out that my BUSN midterm short essay answers did not save yesterday, which means i have to redo all of those today and then an additional four more. and i never finished my thesis for my paper for ARTA so i still have to do that today and then write my entire paper. normally i would be able to just buckle down and do this but right now im not feeling it. i dont care, and this apathy in lieu of a looming deadline scares the crap out of me, becuase i have no idea what's caused it or why i lost whatever motivation i used to have. all i know is that i want comfort, and by comfort i mean home. things were clearer there, i knew who i was and what i wanted. here nothing is obvious and i have no drive. i just feel so, so lost, you know? completely lost. and some might say, great, that's the pefect spot to start from but i cant agree. this is not a great lost, this is a my-life's-fucked-by-an-eating-disorder lost. i just never expected that i would be my greatest enemy in life. i never thought my addictions and laziness and sin and whatever else would so heavily handicap me.

God, what do i do? i have no idea if you're listening, but considering last week's UnChapel i think there's a whisper of a hope. so i latch onto that. please, Lord Jesus Christ, i know You know all that i just said. You see my heart and You know my future. please, please give me direction and motivation if it is Your will. please, help me. i feel so completely lost and hurt and depressed and hopeless and desperately, desperatley wanting to run away from it all to the security of home. ive really screwed up my life and i dont know what to do. please show me the way. please, please, please. i do not deserve Your mercy but i so need it. please, God, help me.

a bitch

sometimes i just really, really hate how i treat people. seriously, like ever since ive gotten to school i feel like ive just become the biggest bitch towards Mom and Dad and im not really sure why. i just hate that im doing it. i hate it. and other people too, such as my friends here. even if i dont mean to or really come across that way, i find myself saying things too harshly or sarcastically, tearing people down versus building them up. all, of course, done in jest. but still. im just seeing how evil i really am, how self-centered and obsessed with my own pleasure i am. its all about me, all the time. i dont sacrifice, i dont give mercy, i dont allow room for mistakes. i judge, join in on gossip, and think of myself as better than other people. i cant love people--really love people---with kindness. i want to but i fall short. i have hatred and sin in me. i do. its grotesque and ugly and wrong. who am i? not who have i become, but who have i been and who am i now, truly? i think the answer is obvious.

the same, twisted, whore of a bitchy, hypocritical adultress.

work again

so after last night, i feel a little bit like trying again with school. ive seen God work here at Regent, and i want to stay and see what else might happen. im not saying im totally gung ho--ready to pound out perfect, endless work. i dont have enough will on my own to do that, and im still full of sin. i also fear just reverting right back into performance mode, where i get so consumed with myself that i forget how sinful i am and how little i truly can achieve on my own. however, i do at least want to submit enough assignments with enough thought/effort appplied to them to keep me from having to leave because i lost my scholarship. i want to stay here with Robbie and work towards therapy. i dont know if God will speak again before i graduate, i have no idea. but i want to rest and wait here for Him. even though so many things have happened in ways i never would have expected, i do believe that i am supposed to be here. Serena's thing about the roommate, my meeting Leia, the scholarship.......i dont know. i just think maybe its good that im here.

so i will wait for God and, consequently, work hard to finish my assignments for school here. yes, i will wait while i work.

overwhelmed

i am just absolutely amazed by what God showed me tonight during UnChapel. at least, i think it was you, God. we were singing a song during worship, and i was totally just, you know, singing and praising but not thinking of anything unique or really applicable. and then all of sudden, completely out of the blue, we sang this line that talked about how we were satisfied in God. and it just hit me--I have never been satisfied in God before. i cannot describe to you how absolutely astounding and incredible this revelation was to me. seriously like....oh my gosh. i was completely overcome. i have been up until now completely entrenched in darkness and the solidarity of my future. i believed that i had absolutely no hope, zero, none; i was/am predestined for hell, and my choices have justly put me there. God is still good and holy and loving to will me there, it just absolutely sucks that that is my purpose in life. i will never fulfill any potential that people may think i have because i am addicted to binging and purging and will merely go and live in the hellish obsession of that until i die or commit suicide or end up on the streets. this may sound ostentatious or overly dramatic, but i am not kidding you, that is totally what i was convinced of. it was fucked up that i had been created, for my sake, though God would get glory through His predestining me because would show His justice. i also believed that i had once been a Christian and then fallen away, which meant, according to Hebrews, that there was no sacrifice for sins left for me, but only a fearful expectation of death and judgment that will consume the enemies of God. i cannot tell you how hopeless this made me. seriously. i was so depressed and, i know ive blogged about this before but, i believed there was absolutely nothing God could do to get through to me. nothing at all. i was beyond hope. hell and death were certainties and i had nothing to live for. i had been praying for years and years and nothing had changed.

and then tonight. .... tonight, God had mercy and gave me an insight that i hadn't ever conceived of: i have never been satisfied in God before. and as i came to this realization and reflected back on what i had previously blanketed as my "saved days," i saw that even then, when i thought i was a Christian, all i had ever known was fear, anxiety, obsession, and a desire to earn my salvation, to make sure i had done everything--said the prayer, stopped addictions--perfectly enough. there was a drive to perform with an excellence that i could never achieve. i feel like now i can see that i never truly understood the nature of salvation. i thought, really thought i did, but im not so sure i actually did. i dont know why God would have allowed me to continuously struggle like that when i recall earnestly wanting to be saved; but i do feel like, whatever the reasons, i did, and never was really saved.

so this is what my life became. cutting, binging, and now purging. pride, stealing, selfishness, obsession, vanity, bitterness, deception, lies, hypocrisy, hatred, frustration, sexual desires, adulterous thoughts.

and now for whatever reason God had the most incredible mercy and grace on me that was totally undeserved and not of my doing at all. there is no way at all i could have come to that realization on my own. God, it was totally You--if it is true--and it was totally unexpected and exactly what i needed to hear. i feel like there is this tiny yet piercing ray of golden light that has appeared under the crack of the door in my blackened, diseased, death-consumed prison. and i am just tripping over myself, writhing and crawling, desperate to grab ahold of it and nurture it. please, please, let there be more! oh please, let it not be too good to be true! oh my gosh....Lord Jesus, there is a small possibility of hope and it feels like a breath of fresh air. i am gasping in its richness! i had no idea just how much i was missing, how long it had been since i truly felt as though there was any, ANY degree of hope or possibility for good in my life. Oh Lord....i am overwehelmed and humbled and grateful. Holy and good and merciful are You, God! Worthy of praise! You were good before this revelation and You are good during it! And even if nothing comes of it and i still end up predestined in hell or there by my own, true leaving of the faith, You are still good.

Jason Peaks, our speaker, was talking tonight about hearing God's voice. He looked at Samuel's story, about how he was dedicated to God from before his conception, and then how, after being faithful in the temple, God spoke to him at night and He heard God's voice in four ways: audibally, visually, in a dream, and through his mentor's advice. these are ways that we might see God too! he also said that there are three things we must do to hear God's voice: 1.) Rest (be lying down or doing nothing; that's where You see God speaking), 2.) Wait (you do not know how long it will take so wait on God), and 3.) Obey (we must be obedient and do what God tells us to do). i especially loved how in relation to waiting, Jason said that even if it takes twenty years of you waiting to hear God, it would be worth it. amen and amen, yes it would! i can agree with that, wholeheartedly! i feel like i have waited and waited for so long, my whole life, really. and finally i feel as though i heard God.

i worry somewhat that maybe what i heard was not of God, so i do plan to be analyzing my past, thinking back to whatever it was that previously i had thought i couldnt deny as God's presence. but still....the idea is valid, i think. i never have been satisfied in God before. what would that be like? truly. what would that be like? to not be unendingly stressed about whether or not i was a believer. to not fear hell and death. to be good, truly purified. i long to know....my heart yearns for it.

oh, praise be to You, Lord God Almighty! Holy are You! thank You, thank You, thank You for speaking to me! i am overcome and humbled and overwhelemed. please continue to speak. i will wait. i will wait again for You to reveal truth to me. even if takes anohter five or ten years, i will wait. because i trust You and i trust that if it is Your will for me to be saved, You will come and You will guide me to salvation.

another couple random other cool points from tonight (10/5/12):

1.) I heard this message from God before i even heard the message from the speaker, which is incredible because God knows me, and He knows my skepticism towards emotional responses to sermons crafted to pull at heart strings. but this was nothing like that, though i did cry a lot. it was totally God alone.

2.) Serena told me that she felt  that God was involved in making me her roommate, since apparently her mom had been praying about it for a long while, and i was the best one she could have asked for. i was absolutely shocked that she would have ever thought that! seriously, i feel like a horrible roomate because i know how proud, arrogant, and self-centered i really am. but this truly made me overwhelmed with humility and gratitide, because what does this show? it shows that God was at work, using me for good even when i was/am consumed with evil. He is soveriegn, He is good, He looks out for His sheep. i am so grateful that God used me in spite of myself. praise be to You, Lord Jesus Christ! You are so holy and good and lovely. praise to You! praise to You, alone. Holy are You God!

um, no. i dont want to.

so i yet again find myself pathetically not giving a shit about school. i have a huge span of nice, solid time in front of me to work hard on stuff. but instead im just feeling really, really apathetic and uncaring about whether or not anything gets done. i just do NOT feel in the mood to work. i dont want to engage with ideas, i dont want to work hard or focus. i just want to binge and purge by myself. but my roommate's here, so we all know that sure as hell aint going to happen. uggghhhhhhhh. i hate this. fuck.

and then i think about how i havent worked out in forever, how i havent purged at all today (which really makes me nervous), how im spending so much money, and how i have so much to do. and here's the catch: it's all SUPER do-able, i just have no will to do it. and thus, yes, there is no way.


going to go try and dip my toes into four different papers that are due in less than three weeks which i havent even started on yet. yeah. need to at least feel like i know the corners of the hellish pit before me...