who am i anymore? seriously. i just have no idea. i feel like my identity, my core, my deep, has been changed. im not the same anymore, i cant keep the same fronts up, nor do i even want to. my desires have completely altered. back home, i knew who i was, i had dreams, plans; i knew why i wanted to go to college and felt a pretty strong confidence in what i wanted to do in and gain from life. my vision was set. i knew what i was willing to sacrifice and work hard towards. and now i just dont know that at all. i feel completely apathetic towards my school work. like, i totally envisioned this week consisting of really hard work on my end, late nights plowing away at my work, a good, strong sense of accomplishment, etc. but then i get all these bullshit assignments from my therapist, who im really hating right now, that just throw everything off. he essentially told me to not binge at all this week, and to portion out all my foods and only buy healthy stuff and tell mom about my out-of-control spending/give her control of my debit card, and to never let myself be alone in my room. UGH FUCK i hate that man! i dont even want to get boiling mad about that right now, like i typically do. we're just going to focus on other things.
so anyway, relating to school again, this week, especially today, has not consisted of hard work on my part. i found out that my BUSN midterm short essay answers did not save yesterday, which means i have to redo all of those today and then an additional four more. and i never finished my thesis for my paper for ARTA so i still have to do that today and then write my entire paper. normally i would be able to just buckle down and do this but right now im not feeling it. i dont care, and this apathy in lieu of a looming deadline scares the crap out of me, becuase i have no idea what's caused it or why i lost whatever motivation i used to have. all i know is that i want comfort, and by comfort i mean home. things were clearer there, i knew who i was and what i wanted. here nothing is obvious and i have no drive. i just feel so, so lost, you know? completely lost. and some might say, great, that's the pefect spot to start from but i cant agree. this is not a great lost, this is a my-life's-fucked-by-an-eating-disorder lost. i just never expected that i would be my greatest enemy in life. i never thought my addictions and laziness and sin and whatever else would so heavily handicap me.
God, what do i do? i have no idea if you're listening, but considering last week's UnChapel i think there's a whisper of a hope. so i latch onto that. please, Lord Jesus Christ, i know You know all that i just said. You see my heart and You know my future. please, please give me direction and motivation if it is Your will. please, help me. i feel so completely lost and hurt and depressed and hopeless and desperately, desperatley wanting to run away from it all to the security of home. ive really screwed up my life and i dont know what to do. please show me the way. please, please, please. i do not deserve Your mercy but i so need it. please, God, help me.
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