so today im visiting my sister at her college. its been great so far, really fun; we spent the day shopping in town at a tag-sale thing ,went to this amazing coffeeshop, saw some cool vintage dishes. all good stuff.
however, at lunch i brought up how unmotivated ive felt this semester, how i just dont care about doing school anymore, etc. etc. and .... gosh. a few things to say. one, i felt like such a downer; i think Danae was really shocked, as she should have been, that this was honestly what i was feeling, especially in light of how much she loves schools, values it and is totally willing to invest lots of hard work towards it. and im just sitting there, like, yeah im a fatty who spends all her money on food and doesnt give a fuck about school. dont i deserve sympathy? i dont know. i just want to cry and hide myself in shame. like, seriously, i just feel so pathetic. and then too, i had so much fun today, and Danae was really passionately excited about her future, like when we were looking at cookbooks and all these cool things for houses and antiques and fall and coffee. she just lit up and you could totally tell, she's going somewhere, she knows what she wants in life, and she's going to work hard and to enjoy it all. and it made me so sad and depressed, to think that i'll probably never get that. i'll probably never graduate college, get a job, live outside of home with mom and dad. traveling? no. husband? no. great job? no. im just going to go hole myself away in my addiction for the rest of my life. what if i never can recover? what if i just never can get over my desires and remain consumed for eternity with this whoreish obsession with food? WITH FUCKING FOOD?!?! just how the hell have i gotten here? im so sad by that thought. i feel like im losing out on so much life.
and thus now i feel haunted. haunted by the question, do i really want to give all this up? is it truly worth all of that? just to remain stuck, addicted and consumed by food, with no real way of living or pursuing any goals? i dont know if this weekend is a good or bad thing. part of me is really scared that it will encourage me to not give up. but that means just going back to how things were, to keeping myself locked in this prison of hypocrisy, where i pretened that i didnt have an eating disorder, where i pretened that i was a Christian, that any of my application towards school was really worthwhile. i dont want that again--i want to change and begin living authentically. but that requires that i break down first, that i stop faking it, that i be honest with myself and where im at. i mean, that's kinda why ive let things with this ED get so out of control. it was on purpose, because seriously, why shouldnt i? if im not a Christian, why should i pursue good things? i think Dad would say because there are natural benefits to doing what's right. and i would agree but again, what use is that to me? to live my entire life in a half-state of existance? never weak enough to choose God and never storng enough to truly thrive. always half-way there. sick and dead inside but trying to flourish. where the hell is the logic in that?
impossible. insanity. it would not make sense. although sometimes i wonder if what im doing now, letting everything fall apart, makes any sense either. if i know that i cant force myself to come to Christ, like the Holy Spirit must draw me, then i shouldnt be trying to create circumstances in which i break down, right? if its going to happen, God will let it happen right? maybe this forced destruction is as bad as my forced living. i just dont really want to fully recover things, i dont. im scared that it will just maintain the status quo. good gosh--please, for once, let me rock the fucking boat of my life! things are not okay. i dont want to die never having found Christ! im just so torn right now. i dont know what in the world i should do. maybe tearing apart what ive worked hard towards is a joke. maybe working towards it in the first place was a bigger one. who can say? i desperately wish i could talk with someone about this. maybe Robbie would be a good person to bring this up with...although i think, no humor intended, that he believes im a little insane in my thinking patterns. perhaps i am but, hell, they honestly make sense to me.
and thats another thing. i keep debating whether or not to let Danae or Erin in on what's going on. they both know about my grades. and mom and dad know quite a bit re: therapy and my binging. but no one other than Robbie knows that im also purging, that im going broke as we speak, and that im not a Christian. that last one is really the piece, isnt it? its the key to making sense of all that's going on. its my biggest secret, really. i dont know what honesty would do to my family if i told them. i feel like itd make everything so awkward, everyone would feel so sensitive regarding me and food. gosh, i would be very uncomfortable around meal times and if i was ever alone. and the last thing i really want right now is to rob myself of the only ultimate comfort left: the security of home. i dont know--i keep thinking about telling Danae something while im here. just saying, hey im in therapy for an eating disorder right now, would you please pray for me? idk. what would that do to her? would that burden the hell out of her? probably. fuck, i feel so far from her here. like, you just see all these other close relationships that she has and that makes me so depressed. she's got people here who probably know her now better than i know her. wow. i feel like crap.
in conclusion, this is pretty fucked up, isnt it? yeah.
it is.
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