overwhelmed

i am just absolutely amazed by what God showed me tonight during UnChapel. at least, i think it was you, God. we were singing a song during worship, and i was totally just, you know, singing and praising but not thinking of anything unique or really applicable. and then all of sudden, completely out of the blue, we sang this line that talked about how we were satisfied in God. and it just hit me--I have never been satisfied in God before. i cannot describe to you how absolutely astounding and incredible this revelation was to me. seriously like....oh my gosh. i was completely overcome. i have been up until now completely entrenched in darkness and the solidarity of my future. i believed that i had absolutely no hope, zero, none; i was/am predestined for hell, and my choices have justly put me there. God is still good and holy and loving to will me there, it just absolutely sucks that that is my purpose in life. i will never fulfill any potential that people may think i have because i am addicted to binging and purging and will merely go and live in the hellish obsession of that until i die or commit suicide or end up on the streets. this may sound ostentatious or overly dramatic, but i am not kidding you, that is totally what i was convinced of. it was fucked up that i had been created, for my sake, though God would get glory through His predestining me because would show His justice. i also believed that i had once been a Christian and then fallen away, which meant, according to Hebrews, that there was no sacrifice for sins left for me, but only a fearful expectation of death and judgment that will consume the enemies of God. i cannot tell you how hopeless this made me. seriously. i was so depressed and, i know ive blogged about this before but, i believed there was absolutely nothing God could do to get through to me. nothing at all. i was beyond hope. hell and death were certainties and i had nothing to live for. i had been praying for years and years and nothing had changed.

and then tonight. .... tonight, God had mercy and gave me an insight that i hadn't ever conceived of: i have never been satisfied in God before. and as i came to this realization and reflected back on what i had previously blanketed as my "saved days," i saw that even then, when i thought i was a Christian, all i had ever known was fear, anxiety, obsession, and a desire to earn my salvation, to make sure i had done everything--said the prayer, stopped addictions--perfectly enough. there was a drive to perform with an excellence that i could never achieve. i feel like now i can see that i never truly understood the nature of salvation. i thought, really thought i did, but im not so sure i actually did. i dont know why God would have allowed me to continuously struggle like that when i recall earnestly wanting to be saved; but i do feel like, whatever the reasons, i did, and never was really saved.

so this is what my life became. cutting, binging, and now purging. pride, stealing, selfishness, obsession, vanity, bitterness, deception, lies, hypocrisy, hatred, frustration, sexual desires, adulterous thoughts.

and now for whatever reason God had the most incredible mercy and grace on me that was totally undeserved and not of my doing at all. there is no way at all i could have come to that realization on my own. God, it was totally You--if it is true--and it was totally unexpected and exactly what i needed to hear. i feel like there is this tiny yet piercing ray of golden light that has appeared under the crack of the door in my blackened, diseased, death-consumed prison. and i am just tripping over myself, writhing and crawling, desperate to grab ahold of it and nurture it. please, please, let there be more! oh please, let it not be too good to be true! oh my gosh....Lord Jesus, there is a small possibility of hope and it feels like a breath of fresh air. i am gasping in its richness! i had no idea just how much i was missing, how long it had been since i truly felt as though there was any, ANY degree of hope or possibility for good in my life. Oh Lord....i am overwehelmed and humbled and grateful. Holy and good and merciful are You, God! Worthy of praise! You were good before this revelation and You are good during it! And even if nothing comes of it and i still end up predestined in hell or there by my own, true leaving of the faith, You are still good.

Jason Peaks, our speaker, was talking tonight about hearing God's voice. He looked at Samuel's story, about how he was dedicated to God from before his conception, and then how, after being faithful in the temple, God spoke to him at night and He heard God's voice in four ways: audibally, visually, in a dream, and through his mentor's advice. these are ways that we might see God too! he also said that there are three things we must do to hear God's voice: 1.) Rest (be lying down or doing nothing; that's where You see God speaking), 2.) Wait (you do not know how long it will take so wait on God), and 3.) Obey (we must be obedient and do what God tells us to do). i especially loved how in relation to waiting, Jason said that even if it takes twenty years of you waiting to hear God, it would be worth it. amen and amen, yes it would! i can agree with that, wholeheartedly! i feel like i have waited and waited for so long, my whole life, really. and finally i feel as though i heard God.

i worry somewhat that maybe what i heard was not of God, so i do plan to be analyzing my past, thinking back to whatever it was that previously i had thought i couldnt deny as God's presence. but still....the idea is valid, i think. i never have been satisfied in God before. what would that be like? truly. what would that be like? to not be unendingly stressed about whether or not i was a believer. to not fear hell and death. to be good, truly purified. i long to know....my heart yearns for it.

oh, praise be to You, Lord God Almighty! Holy are You! thank You, thank You, thank You for speaking to me! i am overcome and humbled and overwhelemed. please continue to speak. i will wait. i will wait again for You to reveal truth to me. even if takes anohter five or ten years, i will wait. because i trust You and i trust that if it is Your will for me to be saved, You will come and You will guide me to salvation.

another couple random other cool points from tonight (10/5/12):

1.) I heard this message from God before i even heard the message from the speaker, which is incredible because God knows me, and He knows my skepticism towards emotional responses to sermons crafted to pull at heart strings. but this was nothing like that, though i did cry a lot. it was totally God alone.

2.) Serena told me that she felt  that God was involved in making me her roommate, since apparently her mom had been praying about it for a long while, and i was the best one she could have asked for. i was absolutely shocked that she would have ever thought that! seriously, i feel like a horrible roomate because i know how proud, arrogant, and self-centered i really am. but this truly made me overwhelmed with humility and gratitide, because what does this show? it shows that God was at work, using me for good even when i was/am consumed with evil. He is soveriegn, He is good, He looks out for His sheep. i am so grateful that God used me in spite of myself. praise be to You, Lord Jesus Christ! You are so holy and good and lovely. praise to You! praise to You, alone. Holy are You God!