to......rn

im lying in bed, looking at the crack that runs along the ceiling.
i realize that ive never lain up here and stared with lights on before.
im reading a novel about a young Asian girl
identity. addiction. monotony. fucking. and a yawning opening of want.
my roommate showered.
lethargically she strolls out of the bathroom now
"it smells like bacon" she says.
no, it smells like vomit, i think. that's vomit, not bacon you're sensing.
seven hours ago i was wearing my favorite pair of jeans.
now, with an unexpected hole of humiliation, they're lying in the garbage,
absorbing that vomit and blocking its wafting aroma.

binge.
binge binge binge.
binge until you want nothing more than to hurl it all out.
purge. purge until tears and snot run together over your upside down nose.
binge and binge.
purge until your knuckles glow cherry-flushed.
binge.
loop your hair into a half-hazard pony again.
purge.

a choice to make.
one that will be made for me if i avoid deciding for too long.
one that i have to literally pick a side on.
not a school project.
not a shiny front to put up in small group.
not a plan to discipline my mind into obeying.
quiet, personal, south dakato-baren choice.
but i cant decide.

i sigh.
fuck--another audible noise.
"you okay?" my roommate asks.
"just torn"
"do you want a band-aid? i have one."
"i do, but itd be one that id have to choose to make"
"you want to talk about it or keep it to yourself?"
i appreciate that.
"yeah its just something ive been thinking about."

i hate that this is really my life.
Robbie's right.
ive got to choose.
fucking hell
ive really got to choose.
i cant do it.
i know what i want to want to choose.
but i cant just want to want it.
i have to want it.
i have to literally give it up.

i cant.
oh God, but i cant!
i cant do it.
shit.
God, i cant do it.
i literally cannot give up these desires.
God if this mindset of mine ever changes for good, You get the credit.
i testify
here
now
i feel entirely unable to choose the good.
its literally 50.50
but so long as its even 99.1 i will not be able to do any different.
fucked.
screwed.
on a path to destruction.
and its all so fucking real.

barbed

it is amazing to me how subtly an addiction can ensnare a life. that is not to say that it happens quickly, just effectively. you concede and concede and concede to what you think are things you want more than anything else. but ultimately it never satisfies, not in the way you think it will. and no matter how many times you go through yet another round of gluttony, you're still left with the same thoughts, the same realizations, the same acknowledgment that this has got to stop because you're getting nowhere. and that tenacity to quit will last until the sensual lust of temptation overwhelms your mind and breaks your will, and again and again and again you find yourself caving. like tonight, i had spaghetti for dinner with mozzerella cheese. and all i can think about is how desperately i wish i were alone so that i could eat another 2 or 3 bowls of it. i just cravvvveee it so badly; i want it and need and feel as though i would do anything to get my hands on it. i cant stop and dont want to stop...but i know that fall break allotted me an opportunity to do just that. and what happened? i indulged and purged and indulged and purged and spent money by myself in a dorm room for three days until i literally felt like i was losing touch with reality. of course, now, however, all i can remember is how i could eat whatever i wanted for however long i wanted and it was soooo good!!!! i see this paradox, i see how manipulated my thinking is, but still i yearn and would instantly take a chance to do it all again.

it is insanely sad how strongly the hooks of a food addiction have ravaged my life and prevented me, by my own choices, from doing what i should have, indeed, what i must. just some thoughts

cant stop, cant change, cant escape (in correlation with: le school, le boy, le therapy)

gosh i just HATE all this fucking shit. im so stressed right now i have  headache. not a really bad one, but....it's there. i just feel like there is no fucking point in doing this. there's not; there's really not. "for what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?" and that, my friends, is essentially what im pursuing while at college here. im working my ass off and sacrificing and blah blah blah to gain this stupid education (which will probably not do anything without my going to grad school anyways) so i can keep going in the fucked up rat race of life and just keep endlessly, endlessly living in hypocrisy until i finally die and then go and spend my whole fucking eternity in hell. because i just cannot get control of anything. i cant make myself become a Christian--i dont even feel like i believe half that stuff anymore. and that's so sad and screwed up and wrong because i should care and believe and i just--cannot--make--myself do it! i hate it. and i also cant make myself stop caring about Ethan! gosh i hate it. i fucking hate it. the FB messages we're sending--uggh, i just keep getting so emotionally attached through them. and its not his fault! seriously, everything is strictly friend-based, normal questions that people would ask to get to know one another but...i just take them to be more than they are without trying. or i realize what they are but cant stop myself from feeling sad/rejected/self-hating upon such a realization. and i hate being so emotionally tied up in this; i wish i could just never see him again, seriously. and yes, that's why i would suck as his gf and why i currently suck even more as his friend. we're talking about running and half-marathon together, and all i can think (other than that we might not physically be able to do it), is that i would have such a hard time being that close with him, accomplishing such a huge goal without feeling even more invested. gosh, it sucks. and i also just feel so undesireable here. ok ok, not going into that again.

*sigh* and then there's my ED. which, not sure i mentioned this, but i told D&E about it over Thanksgiving, and that shit blew up in my face. i am NOT, under any fucking circumstance, telling my parents about purging now over Christmas. 100% shit's not happenin'. i also feel like this whole thing with Robbie has been a little off. like, why are we not actually giving me any tools to cope with this or deal with my behaviors? and why do we never, ever look back at why the fuck i might be addicted to this? all he does is ask me how things are going. i can fucking tell that to anyone, okay? ah, i hate that. and now i have therapy again tomorrow and i DO NOT WANT TO GO. seriously, i just want to be done with this, so called, "recovery." i dont care about it, im not invested in; in many ways, it can just go screw itself; i, for one, will not be bawling in a corner over it. it just feels like a waste of time; i just want to go back to where my disorder was hidden and it was mine and i could enjoy it. especially since i started purging. i dont feel nearly as out of control as i did when all i could do was binge and binge and binge. now i can redeem myself at least...although its also addicting as hell and will probably kill me one day if i dont stop. idk,  i just dont want to tell Robbie this and then have him convince me to stick with therapy. i feel like my "disorder" is pretty fucking illegitimate now. i just....ugh, i hate it and want to just pull back and shine the freaking spotlight elsewhere. although, of course, Mom and Dad know so much already that im not sure they would be thrilled with me quitting therapy. and that's the rub, really; they certainly do not have money for therapy, so if i do blow off this relationship with Robbie and then later decide, oh hey, this is fucked up, i need help again, i wont have any options really. idk, idk, idk. its just weird and i feel like i cant voice this concern/idea to anyone because they're all going to be bias in their opinon and fuck with my head on it. however, i dont want to lie to Mom and Dad that im still going if im not, nor do i want them to know that ive quit or, later, that im perhaps still purging. gosh this is some fucked up shit. what the hell should i do? seriously....

i need a b/p to clear my head. and then maybe i can address the overwhelming amount of work on my finals i have to do. yayers.

waiting for even a whisper

i just need to say this to someone, somewhere, and so i have consequently come here to my secret blog. i would sound like the whiniest, fake, bitchy-girlfriend type if i said this on FB and i dont have Twitter (although im guessing the annoyingness would transfer). so instead im here. okay here goes:

i am desperately waiting for some form of contact from E. (yes, this is a code name for a guy).

oh my gosh...seriously, i cant believe how much im craving for something, anything from him! it's insane--ive never felt this way about someone before but it's killing me. i just keep feeling so low, you know? like just kind of sad and depressed and wishing that he would please, please, please, just like a status of mine or listen to a song of mine on Spotify or reply to my message on FB. oh my gosh...i just long for him to interact with me somehow, even if only in the smallest of ways. which makes me feel pathetic because we're just friends and he has a girlfriend and we just had some crazy, over-time  of being in contact so it makes sense that now, when things are normal, i'd feel deprived. i just keep fearing that it's something on my end. like im annoying or im fat or im not enough or im just not worth engaging with. and that just makes me crave hearing from him even more because me and my petty, proud, pathetic little self-esteem wants confirmation either way.

idk...this is just weird all around and sure as hell is making it hard to focus on school work. :( ugh.

just stop racing, please

i just feel so overwhelmed right now. my gosh, just. uh. relationships are stressing me the fuck out. like i have a neck ache and feel exhausted and just STRESSED as hell about them. im so freaking worried all the time about what people are thinking about me. specifically Ethan. and now his brother Jacob, too. and also Connor a little. and Merriweather. UGH! i just keep on stressing about what i mean to them, what did they think of me. was i funny, did i look fat, was i myself, did i have weird hair, were my shoes too ratty, was i even enjoyable to be around, did anyone have a good time, would these guys ever want to see me again, am i as insanel annoying a person as i feel, are my fears too disgusting to make me worth cherishing? and does will anyone ever see me as their best friend and not just a friend, (will Ethan ever like me if im hugely overweight like i am now? maybe i should lose a lot of weight), what if i suck at playing frisbee, could i ever be part of their group, is any part of who i am desireable, am i worth anything in comparison to how many absolutely incredible people are out there, will anyone ever want me, when the hell am i going to get my life together, how am i ever going to get through school this week, what if i just dont want to get over this eating disorder?

um, yeah. these are just some of the questions racing through and exhausting my mind right now. i just....am tired of trying to think through them. so i lied to my roommate that i hadnt eaten dinner, made a delicious egg/bagel/turkey meal with cottage cheese and then lied again that i was going to go shower. i then gutted myself vomitting into the toilet. and now i feel like i can think a little clearer. my head is not pouding so hard, i can breathe again, if only for a little bit. but i can tell/know this will only last so long before i will be, again, exhausted from thinking. and then we shall probably see it all start again...

control the world! (through your kids)

so i was conversing with my roommate about Christmas and how crazy it was to me that she wasn't excited about it, when she finally told me (in a way that, im sure, to her meant very little but to me was heartbreakingly sad) that her family never does anything on Christmas. they just have the day off and hang out together because no one has to go anywhere. she also said that Chrstimas is wayyy too over-comercialized as well. she hates it. and that is just so, so sad to me. like seriously, Christmas is one of the happiest holidays i know of; it's my favorite time of year and brings me so much joy. i just cannot imagine not being absolutely thrilled about it! there are tons of traditions at our house--delightful, lovely, exciting things that we do together as a family. there's present wrapping and music and tree decorating and Starbucks coffee and clearance shopping and dressing up and getting snuggly and cinnamon rolls and people and love. it's just all this wonderful, wonderful beauty. and so to hear someone say that they dont feel as excited as i do about Christmas is bizarre and horrible.Christmas should be a joyful, lovely time. it should not just be about superficial gift giving or an overpriced vacation. it should be about family and celebration and being grateful. i just wish she saw it that way, i wish i could show her how incredibly wonderful Christmas could be.

but there was one thing that i realized while we were conversing that made me even more sad that this. and that was that she said when she has kids, they're not going to celebrate Christmas that much either. like birthdays were always the big thing at her house, and that's how they'll be for her family as well. and as she said this i vowed also to ensure that Christmas was as fun for my kids as it has been for me. right then, however, is when it hit me: people, even young adults like us, so often view families and children as a chance to just pass down and empress upon other people what their own personal values are. like, beyond just holiday traditions, but actual values. it's like this socially acceptable way in which to control the world. you can force whatever opinons and views  you want on your kids; i mean, they have to listen to you, and even if they rebel, you still will have an incredibly strong impact on them. and in a lot of ways that makes sense and is obviously how God intended it to work but still. it just seems a little off to me that people view families as being a good outlet for their own ideas. weird and unnerving and yet okay at the same time.

i dont know. just some thoughts i had....

gnawed raw by my undesire-ability

so i havent really posted much about my e.d. lately...thought id maybe talk now about an idea that's kinda been haunting me recently and "feeding" har har my behavior. and yes, i did kinda just talk about this in my previous post, so sorry; but i feel like this time around its a little more serious. maybe not. either way i want to drone on about it for a while.

here it is: i just feel like i cannot get away from this fear that i am simply not a desireable person. and i know that im not, i mean really, im not--im so screwed up it's insane. honestly, im not a hard worker. im lazy, lack self-discipline, am fat, don't workout enough, don't think enough, am not a Christian, am a HABITUAL liar/hypocrite, and am incredibly, ridiculously self-centered. so yeah, there's a lot of reasons not to date me or be friends with me. and i know that, so the fact that guys do not clamor over me should not be surprising. but of course, for whatever reason, i just have been bugged by that lately. like this stupid Christmas Ball that's coming up soon. i desperately--and with ruthless silence--long to be asked. like, PLEASE, seriously, would someone please, please ask me? i mean, i know no one probably will. and dresses and tickets and the whole thing is a lot of money and hassel, but i'd really like to go with someone. by this time, though, i feel like people will have asked who they are planning to ask. guys have picked out the girls that are stunningly beautiful, inside and out, the ones who are funny and fun to be with and cute and skinny and pretty and a good time. i would never tell anyone how obsessed i am with wanting to be asked. but i do long and wish and hope and bite my lip and dream in secret--lying awake in bed at night, doing my makeup in the mirror as i get ready, purging in the kitchen garbage while Serena showers.

i dont think that i'd ever tell Robbie that i have this fear. but it's there...no one can do anything about it, but it nibbles and chews and points and assualts my thoughts. again and again and again. quietly chafting me. i hate that my value as a person wraps itself around this, but it does.

gosh i suck sometimes. ugh. this mindset.

any takers? going once, twice....ninety nine times, 100?? ANYONE?!

*sigh* you know, normally being single really doesnt bother me; im okay with it and with other couples and beautiful people. but recently its just really been screwing with my head to see all these gorgeous, fun, kind, loving boys and girls getting together and being perfect. i just...ugh. i feel like this crappy little piece of shit, attempting to be a cool older kid when im really just this nerdy little eigth grader who's ugly and fat and really, really unattractive and not funny or smart or cool or worth being with. like knowing me or friending me is a responsibility that others take on as part of their "being nice people" guilt versus actually wanting to be and enjoying being with me. gah id just like to be wanted, legitimately. hearing people say you're pretty or nice or that they're surprised you dont have a BF means absolute shit unless someone actually make a move/effort to ask you out/stalk you. BAH! so frustrating and humiliating and saddening.

and i know i know--i shouldnt let this define me. and normally it doesnt and im okay with being alone, but for goodness sakes, can i please at least have one measly little, roasted-goat's-tongue of an offer?! please???

signing off now.

late nights and even later mornings

its after four in the morning right now. and im still awake, binging and purging. although--naturally--mostly just binging. im thinking of maybe watching yet another movie and then treking over the Waffle House across the street at 5:30 to get some breakfast. part of me is starting to get tired, but part of me is also thinking about how basically from now until Christmas im hardly ever going to have some alone time here in the dorm. my roommate's coming back early from fall break tomorrow, so no more of these long, drawn-out, addicition-saturated days. kind of just makes me anxious, you know? like, get those last few binges and purges in because soon enough you wont be able to. im also practically out of all food here in my room, so if i do want to eat, it's going to require me to leave. and Waffle House is known for being cheap and seedy, so that's good. i have been getting more and more anxious about walking across campus at night, though. which is really odd, actually, because i never really used to be too bad but now i keep getting scared when i get over near the 7-Eleven. like, there's always some sketchy guys hanging around outside and i just get worried that i'll be either bothered or followed or taken. especially when i have to wait a long time at the crosswalk. so....yeah. but hopefully morning will be better than late at night. even if its dark, there's still just a different attitude about people, a little more fearful, knowing that morning light is coming soon. so i should be okay. maybe Shoney's would be open instead. never been to one but i think they're a diner format? just checked and looks like they're not open till 6:30. we is not lasting that long. waffle house is indeed open 24 hours. gosh, part of me is so tempted to just go there now. after all, who's really going to be out this late? ha. probably exactly the creepy people you'd never want to encounter alone in the dark, as i would be. idk....

sorry this post wasnt very deep. also, i have no idea if any actualy person reads my blog, versus just the spamming random advertising sites. but if you do read this---please, please, please always feel free to leave a comment! id love to connect with someone. :)

secure in the secrets

so today im visiting my sister at her college. its been great so far, really fun; we spent the day shopping in town at a tag-sale thing ,went to this amazing coffeeshop, saw some cool vintage dishes. all good stuff.

however, at lunch i brought up how unmotivated ive felt this semester, how i just dont care about doing school anymore, etc. etc. and .... gosh.  a few things to say. one, i felt like such a downer; i think Danae was really shocked, as she should have been, that this was honestly what i was feeling, especially in light of how much she loves schools, values it and is totally willing to invest lots of hard work towards it. and im just sitting there, like, yeah im a fatty who spends all her money on food and doesnt give a fuck about school. dont i deserve sympathy? i dont know. i just want to cry and hide myself in shame. like, seriously, i just feel so pathetic. and then too, i had so much fun today, and Danae was really passionately excited about her future, like when we were looking at cookbooks and all these cool things for houses and antiques and fall and coffee. she just lit up and you could totally tell, she's going somewhere, she knows what she wants in life, and she's going to work hard and to enjoy it all. and it made me so sad and depressed, to think that i'll probably never get that. i'll probably never graduate college, get a job, live outside of home with mom and dad. traveling? no. husband? no. great job? no.  im just going to go hole myself away in my addiction for the rest of my life. what if i never can recover? what if i just never can get over my desires and remain consumed for eternity with this whoreish obsession with food? WITH FUCKING FOOD?!?! just how the hell have i gotten here? im so sad by that thought. i feel like im losing out on so much life.

and thus now i feel haunted. haunted by the question, do i really want to give all this up? is it truly worth all of that? just to remain stuck, addicted and consumed by food, with no real way of living or pursuing any goals? i dont know if this weekend is a good or bad thing. part of me is really scared that it will encourage me to not give up. but that means just going back to how things were, to keeping myself locked in this prison of hypocrisy, where i pretened that i didnt have an eating disorder, where i pretened that i was a Christian, that any of my application towards school was really worthwhile. i dont want that again--i want to change and begin living authentically. but that requires that i break down first, that i stop faking it, that i be honest with myself and where im at. i mean, that's kinda why ive let things with this ED get so out of control. it was on purpose, because seriously, why shouldnt i? if im not a Christian, why should i pursue good things? i think Dad would say because there are natural benefits to doing what's right. and i would agree but again, what use is that to me? to live my entire life in a half-state of existance? never weak enough to choose God and never storng enough to truly thrive. always half-way there. sick and dead inside but trying to flourish. where the hell is the logic in that?

impossible. insanity. it would not make sense. although sometimes i wonder if what im doing now, letting everything fall apart, makes any sense either. if i know that i cant force myself to come to Christ, like the Holy Spirit must draw me, then i shouldnt be trying to create circumstances in which i break down, right? if its going to happen, God will let it happen right? maybe this forced destruction is as bad as my forced living. i just dont really want to fully recover things, i dont. im scared that it will just maintain the status quo. good gosh--please, for once, let me rock the fucking boat of my life! things are not okay. i dont want to die never having found Christ! im just so torn right now. i dont know what in the world i should do. maybe tearing apart what ive worked hard towards is a joke. maybe working towards it in the first place was a bigger one. who can say? i desperately wish i could talk with someone about this. maybe Robbie would be a good person to bring this up with...although i think, no humor intended, that he believes im a little insane in my thinking patterns. perhaps i am but, hell, they honestly make sense to me.

and thats another thing. i keep debating whether or not to let Danae or Erin in on what's going on.  they both know about my grades. and mom and dad know quite a bit re: therapy and my binging. but no one other than Robbie knows that im also purging, that im going broke as we speak, and that im not a Christian. that last one is really the piece, isnt it? its the key to making sense of all that's going on. its my biggest secret, really. i dont know what honesty would do to my family if i told them. i feel like itd make everything so awkward, everyone would feel so sensitive regarding me and food. gosh, i would be very uncomfortable around meal times and if i was ever alone. and the last thing i really want right now is to rob myself of the only ultimate comfort left: the security of home. i dont know--i keep thinking about telling Danae something while im here. just saying, hey im in therapy for an eating disorder right now, would you please pray for me? idk. what would that do to her? would that burden the hell out of her? probably. fuck, i feel so far from her here. like, you just see all these other close relationships that she has and that makes me so depressed. she's got people here who probably know her now better than i know her. wow. i feel like crap.

in conclusion, this is pretty fucked up, isnt it? yeah.

it is.

not what i expected

who am i anymore? seriously. i just have no idea. i feel like my identity, my core, my deep, has been changed. im not the same anymore, i cant keep the same fronts up, nor do i even want to. my desires have completely altered. back home, i knew who i was, i had dreams, plans; i knew why i wanted to go to college and felt a pretty strong confidence in what i wanted to do in and gain from life. my vision was set. i knew what i was willing to sacrifice and work hard towards. and now i just dont know that at all. i feel completely apathetic towards my school work. like, i totally envisioned this week consisting of really hard work on my end, late nights plowing away at my work, a good, strong sense of accomplishment, etc. but then i get all these bullshit assignments from my therapist, who im really hating right now, that just throw everything off. he essentially told me to not binge at all this week, and to portion out all my foods and only buy healthy stuff and tell mom about my out-of-control spending/give her control of my debit card, and to never let myself be alone in my room. UGH FUCK i hate that man! i dont even want to get boiling mad about that right now, like i typically do. we're just going to focus on other things.

so anyway, relating to school again, this week, especially today, has not consisted of hard work on my part. i found out that my BUSN midterm short essay answers did not save yesterday, which means i have to redo all of those today and then an additional four more. and i never finished my thesis for my paper for ARTA so i still have to do that today and then write my entire paper. normally i would be able to just buckle down and do this but right now im not feeling it. i dont care, and this apathy in lieu of a looming deadline scares the crap out of me, becuase i have no idea what's caused it or why i lost whatever motivation i used to have. all i know is that i want comfort, and by comfort i mean home. things were clearer there, i knew who i was and what i wanted. here nothing is obvious and i have no drive. i just feel so, so lost, you know? completely lost. and some might say, great, that's the pefect spot to start from but i cant agree. this is not a great lost, this is a my-life's-fucked-by-an-eating-disorder lost. i just never expected that i would be my greatest enemy in life. i never thought my addictions and laziness and sin and whatever else would so heavily handicap me.

God, what do i do? i have no idea if you're listening, but considering last week's UnChapel i think there's a whisper of a hope. so i latch onto that. please, Lord Jesus Christ, i know You know all that i just said. You see my heart and You know my future. please, please give me direction and motivation if it is Your will. please, help me. i feel so completely lost and hurt and depressed and hopeless and desperately, desperatley wanting to run away from it all to the security of home. ive really screwed up my life and i dont know what to do. please show me the way. please, please, please. i do not deserve Your mercy but i so need it. please, God, help me.

a bitch

sometimes i just really, really hate how i treat people. seriously, like ever since ive gotten to school i feel like ive just become the biggest bitch towards Mom and Dad and im not really sure why. i just hate that im doing it. i hate it. and other people too, such as my friends here. even if i dont mean to or really come across that way, i find myself saying things too harshly or sarcastically, tearing people down versus building them up. all, of course, done in jest. but still. im just seeing how evil i really am, how self-centered and obsessed with my own pleasure i am. its all about me, all the time. i dont sacrifice, i dont give mercy, i dont allow room for mistakes. i judge, join in on gossip, and think of myself as better than other people. i cant love people--really love people---with kindness. i want to but i fall short. i have hatred and sin in me. i do. its grotesque and ugly and wrong. who am i? not who have i become, but who have i been and who am i now, truly? i think the answer is obvious.

the same, twisted, whore of a bitchy, hypocritical adultress.

work again

so after last night, i feel a little bit like trying again with school. ive seen God work here at Regent, and i want to stay and see what else might happen. im not saying im totally gung ho--ready to pound out perfect, endless work. i dont have enough will on my own to do that, and im still full of sin. i also fear just reverting right back into performance mode, where i get so consumed with myself that i forget how sinful i am and how little i truly can achieve on my own. however, i do at least want to submit enough assignments with enough thought/effort appplied to them to keep me from having to leave because i lost my scholarship. i want to stay here with Robbie and work towards therapy. i dont know if God will speak again before i graduate, i have no idea. but i want to rest and wait here for Him. even though so many things have happened in ways i never would have expected, i do believe that i am supposed to be here. Serena's thing about the roommate, my meeting Leia, the scholarship.......i dont know. i just think maybe its good that im here.

so i will wait for God and, consequently, work hard to finish my assignments for school here. yes, i will wait while i work.

overwhelmed

i am just absolutely amazed by what God showed me tonight during UnChapel. at least, i think it was you, God. we were singing a song during worship, and i was totally just, you know, singing and praising but not thinking of anything unique or really applicable. and then all of sudden, completely out of the blue, we sang this line that talked about how we were satisfied in God. and it just hit me--I have never been satisfied in God before. i cannot describe to you how absolutely astounding and incredible this revelation was to me. seriously like....oh my gosh. i was completely overcome. i have been up until now completely entrenched in darkness and the solidarity of my future. i believed that i had absolutely no hope, zero, none; i was/am predestined for hell, and my choices have justly put me there. God is still good and holy and loving to will me there, it just absolutely sucks that that is my purpose in life. i will never fulfill any potential that people may think i have because i am addicted to binging and purging and will merely go and live in the hellish obsession of that until i die or commit suicide or end up on the streets. this may sound ostentatious or overly dramatic, but i am not kidding you, that is totally what i was convinced of. it was fucked up that i had been created, for my sake, though God would get glory through His predestining me because would show His justice. i also believed that i had once been a Christian and then fallen away, which meant, according to Hebrews, that there was no sacrifice for sins left for me, but only a fearful expectation of death and judgment that will consume the enemies of God. i cannot tell you how hopeless this made me. seriously. i was so depressed and, i know ive blogged about this before but, i believed there was absolutely nothing God could do to get through to me. nothing at all. i was beyond hope. hell and death were certainties and i had nothing to live for. i had been praying for years and years and nothing had changed.

and then tonight. .... tonight, God had mercy and gave me an insight that i hadn't ever conceived of: i have never been satisfied in God before. and as i came to this realization and reflected back on what i had previously blanketed as my "saved days," i saw that even then, when i thought i was a Christian, all i had ever known was fear, anxiety, obsession, and a desire to earn my salvation, to make sure i had done everything--said the prayer, stopped addictions--perfectly enough. there was a drive to perform with an excellence that i could never achieve. i feel like now i can see that i never truly understood the nature of salvation. i thought, really thought i did, but im not so sure i actually did. i dont know why God would have allowed me to continuously struggle like that when i recall earnestly wanting to be saved; but i do feel like, whatever the reasons, i did, and never was really saved.

so this is what my life became. cutting, binging, and now purging. pride, stealing, selfishness, obsession, vanity, bitterness, deception, lies, hypocrisy, hatred, frustration, sexual desires, adulterous thoughts.

and now for whatever reason God had the most incredible mercy and grace on me that was totally undeserved and not of my doing at all. there is no way at all i could have come to that realization on my own. God, it was totally You--if it is true--and it was totally unexpected and exactly what i needed to hear. i feel like there is this tiny yet piercing ray of golden light that has appeared under the crack of the door in my blackened, diseased, death-consumed prison. and i am just tripping over myself, writhing and crawling, desperate to grab ahold of it and nurture it. please, please, let there be more! oh please, let it not be too good to be true! oh my gosh....Lord Jesus, there is a small possibility of hope and it feels like a breath of fresh air. i am gasping in its richness! i had no idea just how much i was missing, how long it had been since i truly felt as though there was any, ANY degree of hope or possibility for good in my life. Oh Lord....i am overwehelmed and humbled and grateful. Holy and good and merciful are You, God! Worthy of praise! You were good before this revelation and You are good during it! And even if nothing comes of it and i still end up predestined in hell or there by my own, true leaving of the faith, You are still good.

Jason Peaks, our speaker, was talking tonight about hearing God's voice. He looked at Samuel's story, about how he was dedicated to God from before his conception, and then how, after being faithful in the temple, God spoke to him at night and He heard God's voice in four ways: audibally, visually, in a dream, and through his mentor's advice. these are ways that we might see God too! he also said that there are three things we must do to hear God's voice: 1.) Rest (be lying down or doing nothing; that's where You see God speaking), 2.) Wait (you do not know how long it will take so wait on God), and 3.) Obey (we must be obedient and do what God tells us to do). i especially loved how in relation to waiting, Jason said that even if it takes twenty years of you waiting to hear God, it would be worth it. amen and amen, yes it would! i can agree with that, wholeheartedly! i feel like i have waited and waited for so long, my whole life, really. and finally i feel as though i heard God.

i worry somewhat that maybe what i heard was not of God, so i do plan to be analyzing my past, thinking back to whatever it was that previously i had thought i couldnt deny as God's presence. but still....the idea is valid, i think. i never have been satisfied in God before. what would that be like? truly. what would that be like? to not be unendingly stressed about whether or not i was a believer. to not fear hell and death. to be good, truly purified. i long to know....my heart yearns for it.

oh, praise be to You, Lord God Almighty! Holy are You! thank You, thank You, thank You for speaking to me! i am overcome and humbled and overwhelemed. please continue to speak. i will wait. i will wait again for You to reveal truth to me. even if takes anohter five or ten years, i will wait. because i trust You and i trust that if it is Your will for me to be saved, You will come and You will guide me to salvation.

another couple random other cool points from tonight (10/5/12):

1.) I heard this message from God before i even heard the message from the speaker, which is incredible because God knows me, and He knows my skepticism towards emotional responses to sermons crafted to pull at heart strings. but this was nothing like that, though i did cry a lot. it was totally God alone.

2.) Serena told me that she felt  that God was involved in making me her roommate, since apparently her mom had been praying about it for a long while, and i was the best one she could have asked for. i was absolutely shocked that she would have ever thought that! seriously, i feel like a horrible roomate because i know how proud, arrogant, and self-centered i really am. but this truly made me overwhelmed with humility and gratitide, because what does this show? it shows that God was at work, using me for good even when i was/am consumed with evil. He is soveriegn, He is good, He looks out for His sheep. i am so grateful that God used me in spite of myself. praise be to You, Lord Jesus Christ! You are so holy and good and lovely. praise to You! praise to You, alone. Holy are You God!

um, no. i dont want to.

so i yet again find myself pathetically not giving a shit about school. i have a huge span of nice, solid time in front of me to work hard on stuff. but instead im just feeling really, really apathetic and uncaring about whether or not anything gets done. i just do NOT feel in the mood to work. i dont want to engage with ideas, i dont want to work hard or focus. i just want to binge and purge by myself. but my roommate's here, so we all know that sure as hell aint going to happen. uggghhhhhhhh. i hate this. fuck.

and then i think about how i havent worked out in forever, how i havent purged at all today (which really makes me nervous), how im spending so much money, and how i have so much to do. and here's the catch: it's all SUPER do-able, i just have no will to do it. and thus, yes, there is no way.


going to go try and dip my toes into four different papers that are due in less than three weeks which i havent even started on yet. yeah. need to at least feel like i know the corners of the hellish pit before me...

what color is watermelon?

if someone asked me how my night was tonight, id have no idea what to tell them. on the one hand, i had a pretty nice, laxidazical day with my roomie, which was topped off with a cozy night in the dorm where we laughed and threw notes at eachother and screwed around with some innocent prank calling and writing messages back and forth on facebook. the other part of the night consisted of me purging while she was outside chatting with her sister, and then me walking for 15 min. in the evening drizzle to go across the street to a 7-Eleven to spend over $10 on a pint of Ben and Jerry's, two cream cheese danishes, and a Mrs. Field's cookie. it'd also consist of me proceeding to walk again in the mist to the Student Center where i locked myself in an abandoned bathroom stall for half an hour to devour my food as quickly as i could and then purge it up in the toilet. + and - more than 2000 calories later, i then walked once more back to the dorms with soggy sweat pant-bottoms and my hoodie yanked up over my ratty hair and bloodshot eyes.

so how do you define that evening? i had genuine fun and i had genuine hell. how do you go about describing that to someone? gosh, most often that's what my whole life feels like. ive gotten so comfortable lying to people and living as a hypocrite that its extremely easy for me to just switch between my two halves without much thought. but what a screwed up mess it leads to when you try to figure our where you stand with things...

anyways, just some thoughts i had.

self-sabatoge

so i just keep on feeling like i cant do this, or wont do this, i guess. i suppose i could if i really tried hard and applied myself. i just do not care about it anymore. i dont care about school, i dont care about my grades, i dont care about being productive. i miss home; i dont want to be here. im so sick and scared of being trapped in this eating disorder. alone time in my dorm room is so covetously-desirable and yet so disgustingly revolting at the same time. i hate it and i love it. i feel, as Gandalf said of Gollum, that i will never be rid of my need for it, for binging and purging. i just.....am so exhausted, you know? i want it to be over.

i realized yesterday when i was contemplating what i should do/how to handle things/what i would tell mom and dad, that ever since coming here, i have been completely sabatoging my life and myself. i am destroying my body by overeating and then vomitting, i am depleating my bank account just to endlessly buy food, and i am ruining my GPA by taking class that i have no intention of applying myself towards. not to mention im also wasting a huge, huge amount of Mom and Dad's money.

i just feel like, could i really go home? i mean, really, really go home. could i do it? it would be humiliating, uttery humiliating. i dont know if Mom and Dad would even let me; im guessing they'd say, finish out the semester, use the tickets we've already bought for you for Thanksgiving, try to take school one day at a time. and that would be good and make sense, because maybe things will get better. but right now i really dont think they will. i am consumed by my eating disorder and my sin and lack of salvation and nothing else in life really matters to me anymore, except friends.

part of me feels like i have no way to even tell my parents  that i legitimately cant handle school. bascially my entire life ive been told by tons and tons of people that im so mature for my age, im going to do great at college, etc. and while that is a huge compliment and i always excelled from it, now im here, and i feel like i cant do this, and i dont know how to tell someone that im not nearly as mature as i appear. i cant handle the basic 16 credits ive got, i cant adjust, i cant motivate myself to care and work towards a goal. i hate that i am that way, i am extremely ashamed of it, and yet it is true.

so what to do? my plan for today is to work my butt off on school till 4:00ish, workout, go to the Regatta, and then work some more this weekend. Monday im supposed to have a counseling session, so we'll see how that goes. if it doesnt help though, or Robbie doesnt think i have any sort of real problem, then i will tell Mom and Dad that im ready to come home. or maybe i'll wait till Fall Break and tell Danae and then tell Mom and Dad. time to go.

giving up

i just cant fucking do this anymore! i desperately need to be alone for just 30 minutes! but no, Leia's here and is going to be staying for quite a while, of course exactly when Serena's gone. im so pissed. i need to binge and purge so fucking bad its physically making me feel suffocated and restless. pllleeeassseeee just let me be alone!

and school is just hell right now. im so behind on stuff i dont even care. i have a lab report due tomorrow and i dont even care about trying to finish it anymore. finally there is going to be a tangible result to what is going on inside me. i just dont care about trying to keep things together anymore. i dont care about getting fat and going to therapy or failing all my classes or going broke/spending 100's of dollars on binge-food. i dont care. im not a Christian, my life is currently pointless, and i have no reason to apply myself. im just so hurt and exhausted and wanting to cry and quit. i cant do this. and im humiliated and ashamed and i cant believe this is my life....but it is. and now Leia's leaving Regent, so i dont even care about friends too much anymore. i just cant keep up with them. or maybe i could but i dont care about doing it. i hate doing this work, i hate stress and challenges. i hate it all and i dont want to be part of it anymore. i cant fucking accomplish anythng! no, Colleen, im not going to go on to achieve great things. im going to fly home in three weeks and drop my classes and sit, obese, at home until something stops me.

i just feel terrible that mom and dad have invested so much time and money and care into getting me here and now i just cant handle anything, i cant cope, i cant do it. i dont know how in the hell im going to tell them. i guess im just going to wait until therapy and until things get a litlte worse. i dont know. i just cant believe that this is my reality. but it is. finally....finally the outside will match the inside. im so stressed about this my head is pounding. i just want to go to sleep and ditch school and go hang out with friends. yep, im a loser. yeah, im a college dropout. i cant wait to face everyone back home! yay. :/ wait till they hear...just fucking wait.

so now what. i have all this free time im not going to do this lab report im not going to go to class next Wednesday to present. im not. i just. i cant do it and i dont want to do it. it means nothing to me. and i see no gain in striving towards a pointless goal. i am such a piece of fucking shit.

fuck me. please, beat the living shit out of me.

epiphanies

i came to a realization today, much like the two i had upon my first couple weeks here. in case i didnt blog about them, they were that a.) if it wasnt for hell, i would unquestionably kill myself. no joke, and b.) i dont think there's anything God can do to reach me. my third little epiphany today was that i am willing to give up anything for food. anything. im not even kidding. i thought about all that food would cost me, all that this bulimia nd binge eating was requiring and im just thinking, i dont care. i dont care. i'll go broke, i'll ruin my stomach and my teeth. i'll fail my classes and quit school and live at home with mom and dad for the reast of my life. i dont care! i just dont fucking care! i just want to be able to eat everything that i want to eat whenever i want to eat it! Dominos and oreos and Krispy Kremes! and now that i can purge successfully i wont have to stop eating so soon! oh my gosh, it could go on forever! when can i do this?!?! please, please--i just want food!

as i was thinking through this, really considering it, i thought that maybe my morals were something i would want to keep despite food. like stealing, hell id never do that. and right as i thought that i recalled that i had taken some of my roommate's cream cheese this morning without her permission. who knows, i might steal more and more, maybe eventually i'll be selling my body somewhere to get food. where the fucking hell does it end???

the only thing, the ONLY thing that i want to hold onto is my friends here. that's it, but it's something. i dont want to give up these relationships and i know that if i did i would never be part of this group again. and i desperately dont want to leave...but other than that, nothing. nothing seems worth continuing on for.

so im thinking of getting help. of getting counseling NOW. because i dont know how much longer i can possibly stand to do this. i mean...i could but i swear im going to start failing my classes if i do. i just dont even know if im ready to try yet. what i really want is to be able to focus and work hard at school and understand things and get them done and not have to overeat all the time. but there's no magical cure that therapy will bring. it will still be work and we all know i suck at recovery, ive tried it before. besides, as soon as they discover im not a Christian they might just kick me out. and what if im rude and hate the guy and never want to go back? then what? how will i tell Mom and Dad? what if i just cant do it? what if im not sick enough and all i get is a lousy EDNOS B.S. diagnosis? i want this to be real! i want to say Mom and Dad that I HAD FUCKING BULIMIA!!! and you wouldnt just read 20-30 fucking pages out of a book each week because you were too fucking busy taking care of your tea party and Sunday school group! and i was DYING inside! i was dying. to their credit, they did try to help a lot. they did. but it wasnt enough and they would never have allowed me to have negative body image thoughts, or talk about diets id tried or really be honest about things. and they didnt know i wasnt a Christian, which im sure just made the addiction all that more puzzling.

i have 2.5 pita bread pockets for the rest of the week. no make that just 2, i think, and that's all the bread i have, other than rice or pasta. i ate an entire package of tortilla shells, two boxes of cereal, and a whole pack of english muffins in 3.5 days. i ate almost 3/4 of a container of cream cheese. i drank nearly an entire bottle of cherry coke. almost half a jar of prego sauce. 14 slices of swiss cheese. it is an insatiable hunger. i dont know what to do..

i dont know what to do.

creating in the kitchen

i discovered today that i really love to cook and experiment with food without following recipes. i mean, i do certainly go read recipes and am insipired by many of them. in fact, i love cookbooks and magazines or websites with food ideas, especially pinterest and clean cooking. there's so pretty and mesmerising and delicious-looking. and, haha, basically every meal ive ever made has come from a meal ive had before or a recipe ive followed. but i really enjoy the literal act of cooking. thinking of ingredients and throwing them together and tasting and trying and failing. like i made this awesomely delicious mexican thing tonight with shrimp, but i didnt find out until my first bite that i had totally forgotten to take off the tails! haha and it was great to just be able to laugh it off and know that i've learned a lesson in what to remember when cooking shrimp. im experimenting and growing and its great. it was so freeing really. to just create and work with color and smell and flavor and texture. after a long, frustrating week of feeling artistically handicapped, this was such a lovely break. no principles of design, no subjectivity-b.s., just cooking. :) and i actually did some fun cooking this morning too. nothing super crazy, just made an omlet with turkey, mushrooms, swiss cheese, and onion inside. it was SO good!

*sigh* i just really have loved making meals today. :)

although, not to become super negative and depressing but it's probably worth mentioning that i also had a horrible, horrible binge/purge today. i bought Nutella from the store like the fucking biggest idiot. how the hell did i even begin to image i wouldnt binge? i guess i knew i would and, like every other time, was intoxicated with lust for the food and decided that a binge was exactly what i wanted. i had DQ for lunch with friends, then came back and luckily was alone, so i ate Nutella straight out of the jar, spoonful after spoonful. then i added in tortilla shells and heated them up with the spread. i even did some raspberry/cream cheese variations, which were amazingly good. at this point it was time to purge. AMAZINGLY smooth purging! yes, there were chunks of bread, but that's never really bothered me and i had forgotten how perfectly easy it is to purge ice cream. so that was great. i then proceeded to shovel in three bowls of cereal with the remaining milk that i hadnt washed down the nutella with. dont worry, i threw nutella in with the cereal too. that was alright, but by this point i was so disgustingly full and sick of the taste of nutella that i felt horrible. i drank some pop, and then, though i was convinced initally that i never would, went to go purge. i was SO glad to purge at that point; i seriously have never hated the taste of a food so much but at that point all i wanted was it out of me and out of my mouth. ive still got some teeth marks on my hand from my deeds...been "growing" in my vomiting-techniques, i guess. after this, i felt good enough to go run, which i did. then i came back and ate a great, healthy dinner that i discussed above after balancing my checkbook. and now im craving junk food again, really wanting cookies and ice cream. plus im super bored because my friends are busy doing hw tonight and Serena's just sitting here working on stuff. im kinda ticked with her, actually. not really but just...i dont like her attitude towards me and food. like my suggestion to go to a frozen yogurt place was reproached and im just like, hey hun, you're not exactly the skinniest stick around here. so just shut the fuck up about my obese, celluite-covered fat okay?! i fucking know im a fat whore!

anyways, point being i think im going to go for another run. i just hate sitting here and waning to eat. plus i ate WAYYY too much today. need to go burn some more calories.

friends, truth, and hell

i really dont know anymore if i should tell my friends here the truth about who i am, about where im at in life. so often i feel that they would not accept me if i told them the truth. they'd leave, they'd feel awkward around me. unsure of what to talk about, uneasy as to whether or not you can even discuss Christian or spiritual things with nonbelievers. perphaps even doubting that my lack of faith is really God's will or whether or not that's even a possibility. and i always feel so stupid trying to explain how i came to that conclusion. but it's there; im confident it's an accurate appraisal. i just know from conversation that they hate hypocrites, they hate it when people are fake. perhaps they would reject me even now. it'd be justified. i just need help. i need prayer, i need truth. i dont want my college years to just be an extension of the false identity i had in high school/back home. because at some point it has to stop; at some point íve got to change and be honest. but im so comfortable here, and as much as id love to say that i wouldnt care if i didnt have friends, i would. i think what i'd hate most is just not knowing what anyone's thinking, not knowing what in the world is being said behind my back. endlessly hating myelf, wandering what ive done. and yet ultimately that would lead to freedom right? or at least  a chance.

today i read about that verse that discusses how it doesnt matter how bad a man wants or strives for salvation; ultimately it's dependent upon God's will. and there's two ways that this verse could be applied. it could simply mean that salvaiton is not an act or wish of man, it's strictly through Christ'sacriice. and yet that doesn't appear to be the focus here; i would say the point lies more in how it must be God's will that someone be saved. He has not predestined eveyone. and this is such an easy point for people who are already Christians to struggle for a little while with, and then push away, saying, we should not question God's will. but what the fucking hell are you supposed to do when it's you? what the HELL are you supposed to do. just what the fuck. because to me this says that no matter how honest i am with people, no matter how much i seek, no matter how much i cry, strive, do devotions, knock, beg, etc., if God Himself has not willed it I will have accomplished nothing. NOTHING!

Oh God it just keeps coming back to this, doesn't it? I just cannot escape this issue. I don't know what in the world I'm supposed to do about it. I desire to be honest and open with people I trust, and to seek othe'r people's guidance who do know You. But I fear that they won't understand what in the world I'm saying, they won't think Scripture supports it, like with Kim. And though I appreciate that she still cares and prays, the point is that she will not be nearly as insistent at finding an answer as someone who saw the truth the way I do (or am pretty sure I do). she thinks it will all work. i know hell awaits. clearly, there's a difference in urgency.

but perhaps telling Wes and Charity would be a good thing. perhaps they would be good people to confide in. perhaps they would be willing to listen and try......just try, to maybe help me sort things out. i dont really want to tell Hannah or Raluca, but maybe they'd be better people to share with. but i want to me open with my friends, i want to tell them. i want them to know this; and that's a very unusual thing for me. i trust then, perhaps like a fool who will soon cut himself in agony over a betrayal. but for now i trust them; their stories are like mine, except they had a happier ending...or at least present state. yes..perhaps this is worth the risk.

but what if it's not? i could lose all. and still end up in hell. yet wouldn't it be better to at least try, i guess? at least attempt to grasp salvation? the chance of gaining everlasting life outweighs the risk of losing some temporary security for ulitmate destruction, i guess.

oh Lord Jesus Christ. i don't know if You are even listening or if I am well beyond any hope of salvation. but if You are/if there's anyway You would help me though i dont deserve it, would You please continue to either open or shut doors? show me whether or not i should tell these guys. please help me to be sensitive to Your leading. amen.

running (or really exercise in general)

i hate running in the morning. HATE it. hate any form of strenuous activity in the morning, actually. even a 10:30am workout generlly sucks in my mind. who the hell wakes up and thinks to himself, "well i know my entire body has just barely registered that we're actually still alive and there's this process called breathing, but i think it'd be a good idea to throw my body around a few times, with as much speed and muscle engagement as i possibly could require, heck maybe i'll even throw in some EXTRA weight, like amounts i'd never want to be part of my flesh. and then maybe if im lucky i'll get to spice things up by being entirely unable to breathe throughout the whole adventure. gosh, YES, this is why I moved to shut off my alarm this morning! finally i remembered my purpose!" please go die. that self has only existed a total of three times in my life, all of which im sure were the result of my brain temporarily trying to reason withouth any coffee.

no, i thoroughly prefer an afternoon workout. there's nothing like getting out all the stress that's accumulated throughout the day. i love just pounding out a run; it's so refreshing. and you've had all day to "wake up" and get stuff done that you need to. this is your time to just take a break. not to mention you get to a rev up your metabolism for a healthy dinner. ah--love it! now that's not to say that sometimes you can get either a.) too busy to workout or b.) too "tired" to workout. However, those are still choices you're making, and on a whole I find myself much, much more likely to not skip an afternoon workout vs a morning one (not to say I've tried the latter that much but...still). Also, as far as the too tired thing goes, I've generally found that I actually feel more awake and energized after a run on days that I feel exhausted. So it can help you be more productive in your evenings as well!

sorry. i know this is pretty biased in favor of afternoon workouts. i just..yeah. really like them and wanted to throw out some reasons re: why since so many people seem to rah-rah the morning exercise thing. just some thoughts...

when you dont drink enough

No, not alcohol, water.

Yeah, so today was a weird day. Dreary again. I was super tired, ate breakfast, purged, did some reading and drank some coffee. Then went to class, felt kinda unsure of myself and hated my hair. Proceeded to come back, eat a 230 calorie lunch, and resist binging on everything in the kitchen while Serena was at class. Then I went to my next course, only after the stupid toilet had gotten plugged up (thank GOODNESS not from my purging), so I was planning to have to get a plunger from the Housing Office in the guys dorm. Sat through class, was completely consumed with thoughts of binging. My stomach was just rumbling, growling, rumbling and I had such a headahce. I started thinking of what it'd be like to eat everything I wanted and that literally only made me hungrier. This temptation was so strong I literally thought about leaving class. Like, was just going to bolt so I could binge and binge. Oh my gosh, I was desperate but somehow managed to get through. Then I walked back to the dorms, saw a cute guy with an AWESOME leather laptop bag that I so wanted to ask him where in the world he had got it from but thought that'd be weird/he's a hipster so maybe he'd hate it. Came back, was alone in the dorm. Shoveled brownie after brownie in my mouth (about 5 brownies), simulatenously tearing apart the cupboard to grab a protein bar and chugging milk in between breaking my jaw in my fury to eat faster. I felt kinda scared Serena would come in before I was done, which did happen but luckily I was able to just hide the chocolate in my mouth and pretend to be grabbing a glass for some milk. Then Serena broke my heart with her kindness by giving me a box of M&I's she had bought for me, which I proceeded to eat a ton of with my milk. Then I thought, hell, I'm going with this as far as I want. I then made an egg mcmuffin with 3/4 cup cottage cheese for dinner, which was amazing. And then I made a 16 oz. chai and sat with a stomach ache while I worked on homework. I felt so sick and full and yet happy and worried that this would/will continue.

A little while late my roomie said she was going to step out to take a break and call her sister. I wasn't really planning to, but after she left I shoveled in another brownie and then went to the bathroom to purge because I was still so full. That was a gross purge. And here we come back to the title of this post. During all my food whoring I hadn't bothered to drink much liquid/water, so the purge was very, very chunky. Cottage cheese and eggs get nasty. After a while I could just so taste the vomit that I stopped; plus I didn't know how soon Serena would be back. I flushed twice, cleaned off the rim of the toilet bowl, washed my hands and popped in some gum after rinsing my mouth and spraying some Febreeze in the bathroom. So now I still feel very full, although I'm happy that I was at least partially able to redeem myself (as in maybe 10 calories less than my binge). I feel so fat, my stomach is huge and I wish I felt skinny/could purge more but what else can I do? No workout today, which sucks but also comes with binging, typically. Plus last night I could NOT sleep after running...and I'm supposed to go watch a movie with Charity tonight, so that should be fun.

Anyways, just wanted to share...not sure what tomorrow's going to be like.

i cant

i just cant do this. i cant do it. i cant, i cant, i cant. i want to cry and cut and purge. im so scared and lonely. i hate it. and i hate it because i have no escape, no where to go. i cant go home. i simply cannot imagine going back and returning to that old pattern of things. i would never be able to purge, id have no future, no way to supprt myself and it would be years before id be willing to try again. and so much money and work and time has been invested in me going here. not to mention facing all the people i just said goodbye to. hey, it's just me, the fucking bitch who bragged about college endlessly and then went and started crying and came home to mommy instead. i just hate being here, i hate it and i want to leave. i cant do it and now wonder why i ever thought i could. why the hell did i ever believe that i was special enough to just conquer this thing? like college would be no fucking big deal. it's not like i just want home; no i simply dont want to be here. i feel like i spend so much more time on school than anyone else does. and im completely unwilling to just strive for B's or C's. i will either quit or get A's. period, end of discussion. other kids manage to do it, and if i cant then im not the good student i thought i was.

i just hate me so much. and i know that if any of my friends here found out that i was such a hypocrite about my faith, etc. they'd just leave me, they'd totally reject me and hate me. i feel like such an outcast; i dont feel like i can connect with people or keep them around, i dont feel like people want me. i feel lonely and hurt and ugly and fat. and i just want to cry and hurt myself. i wish i could just tell Charity that i was having a really hard time, that i cant adjust, i dont feel like i can do it. but of course no one would understand that. they'd just say, well just take it a day at a time, hang in there, things'll get better. BULL SHIT. i dont know how to handle this. i feel like i cant breathe. im not the fucking reject who sits and cries in her dorm room after classes all day! that's not me.

fuck. the other thing too is that i might be getting my period soon, so maybe that's why im so emotional. which is good and bad, because maybe this will pass. but i also dont want to just sit here feeling like im illegitimate in all im thinking and feeling.

i just dont know what the hell to do. i dont just want to sit in my dorm, i want people, but i feel like people dont want me to hang out with them or i dont want to hang out with them.

what a fucking failure.

barista-ing

So today was my last day working at Irish Blessings Coffeehouse. I cannot believe how lucky I got with that job. No joke, like, seriously...unbelievable. I didn't even seek out or interview for the job. My older sister had been working there the previous summer, and when we got back from our roadtrip to take her out to school there was a message on our machine from her boss asking if I'd like a job there. This was quite perfect really, seeing as how I had been bugging my parents for a while about their letting me please not be someone who gets out of college with no money, no car, and no way of supporting myself. PLEASE let me get a job! They reluctantly agreed to let me have a go at it if we set up some strict rules about the number of hours I'd work and if I'd keep in mind that school was always to remain the priority. Fast forward two years, and here I am, a store-manager who's just graduated from high school with a year of college credit under my belt along with a two week trip to London with my best friend, ready to go attack uni in VA. This job gave me so much....

Financially, I never would have been able to do half the "fun stuff'' that I did in high school with other kids or by myself.  I never would have been able to pay for two college classes in my senior spring semester. There would have been no trip to London and no funds stored up for college. There also would have been no INSANITY nor some of the extra little cushion money I had to help out with when my dad got a blood clot in his lungs last fall.

Personally, I would be a very different individual today if I hadn't gone through all those experiences at work.  I would never have learned that, actually, I can manage a job along with schoolwork. I would not be nearly as good a multitasker as I am now, nor as skilled at handling tricky customers. Or great customers either, for that matter. I would never have gained so much confidence in myself or my ability to learn new skills. I would never know just how greatly hard work pays off and what sacrifice really means (a nine-hour shift on a Saturday in the summer when you've been up since 5:00am and your feet are swollen).

My boss and her husband are seriously the best. No screwing around here, no kiss ups. Natalie and Chris are generous beyond belief. Natalie was and continues to be very patient with her employees. She gives second chances, doesn't expect perfection, and has the best sense of sarcastic humor. She's also very open to suggestions about how things can be improved. She and Chris have created a business in which customers, employees, and honesty are valued, truly. I love Natalie; she, and Chris, and her parents, and her sister Tammy, will be at my wedding. Now that's not to say that there were never days in which I came home frustrated with her. She does have a tendancy to be impulsive and when things go unplanned, become a little crazed and rushed. And I never liked being yelled at get out to the counter when I couldn't hear customers come in. Also, since I'm finally done, may I just say a royal FUCK YOU to deep cleaning! hahahaha OH that felt good man! Deep cleaning was never my fav; although it did need to be done. Anyways, the point is, there were good and bad things with Natalie. But the good made up about 90% of her character, and the bad the other 10%. Yeah, essentially a kick-ass boss who I very muchly enjoyed working for. Love you Nat!

I still remember on my first day at work without Natalie training me in. Tammy was working and the first thing she said to me when I came in was, "Welcome to the family, hun!" Followed by a very soft, sweet side-hug. I fail to think of another time when I had felt more accepted in public. And what a perfect welcome that had been. Working at IBC has been like working with family. Ironically, I truly did work with both my sisters as well, which was amazing. But truly--the fun, the challenging, and the rewarding days--just like working with family. Oh the things you learn as a barista at IBC....

<3

the food whore

so i was doing pretty well today; had just a 305 calorie breakfast and then was hoping to avoid lunch with the fam by going shopping in St. Cloud and b.s.ing that i'd buy lunch up there. which would probably just be a soy latte or some soup from Panera. but then i couldnt because the more i stressed and thought about it, i realized that i had to have my mom with me so i could actually buy what i needed to get. *angry sigh* so then i thought i could just lie my way through lunch, take a granola bar upstairs, eat-and-spit it out, and then avoid lunch, saying i'll get a coffee drink later instead. but then the food whore decided upon eating a 350 calorie lunch that these extra 150 calories were unacceptable and thus today would be a binge day. so i just gave in, ate another two pieces of cinnamon raisin toast, one with butter and sugar, and then made coffee with a hot cocoa packet. i dont give a shit now, except i am scared about these calories. im just going to get SO fat and again back everything i lost earlier this week! :'( fuck. but i see no point in stopping now; only wish i hadnt eaten bread so i could at least chug some water and try to purge a little in my room...but that's a no now. fuck fuck fuck...what the hell am i doing?

Mia

so ive started purging recently. it's been about 3 wks of approximately 3 purges a week.

i dont know what to do now. i feel....lonely. and like everything ive been reading online is saying how bad purging is for you, how it doesn't help you lose weight, etc. etc. but then i watch these documentaries on people who've been bulimic for anywhere from 5-23 years, purging 2-3x A DAY, and they're not skeletons, and i just think, hell, im okay. oh and these people are thin! they're exactly what i need to look like. so i feel like saying BS to these sites. besides, this will not be a long-term thing.

my legs are just repulsive. so repulisvely fat. i hate them. the celluite, the rolls, the craters of fat pockets on my butt and thighs. i cant even sit in bermudas anymore and feel safe. im just so fat. so fucking fat. 35lbs overweight...disgusting. i cant imagine walking around with a 35lb backpack on each day, and yet that's exactly what im doing right now. how gross. what a fucking food whore. im so disgusting. ive gotta get this fat off. i must!

i hope when i go to college i have enough times of being alone so that i can truly binge and purge when i want/need to. it's pretty hard here. im so rarely ever alone, and of course when i feel a deep urge to b and p i cant because there's people here and no public bathrooms i can think of in which i would feel okay purging in. im too loud...i do this coughing thing when i gag, which really helps but is super loud. anyways, so yeah, college needs to have some alone time...and i need to practice quieter techniques.

*sigh*

b.e.d.

i am so fucking pissed and exhausted and depressed right now it's disgusting. i just am in absolute hellish hate. i got up and started binging this mornng before i'd even begun making breakfast. a cupcake--down, like that. then my two pieces toast with gobs of PB and honey. and then essentially 3/4 of a pack of graham crackers with lots of cream cheese and chocoplate chips on top. a glass of milk washed it all down nicely. and then i had some yogurt with granola, craisains, honey, and more chocolate chips mixed in, because, really, why the hell not? then just to keep things interesting i had my ususal coffee with a hot cocoa packet. or tried to, anyway, before i got so full and had such a stomach ache that i could barely drink half of it. there was no fucking way i was going to even try to workout today, like every other day this week. crap. i then went upstairs and cried my lungs out into my sheets. i continued stumbling around upstairs, crying and crying and struggling to breathe and collapsing in mom and dad's room. i tried to take a sip of water after this but ending up nearly puking in the sink instead, seeing as how my throat was too covered with mucus and i was giving a shuttery breath in at the same i was trying to sip. yes, nice, brown, hot-cocoa-filled hacking. lovely.

i showered then; tried not to let my sunburnt skin get touched by the hot water while washing my hair. that was interesting...i did manage to avoid eating lunch because i was so freaking full and luckily when mom asked if i'd eaten before work i just told her yes and she had no choice but to believe me because she had been grocery shopping over part of the lunch hour. so that was nice; i was so full there was no way i could have eaten anything.

next i went to work. i was actually--weirdly enough--in a good mood when i got there. i worked with Becca at tackling the closing list and helping customers and had a nice enjoyable time. i like Becca. :) then around 3:20ish i made a blended latte becuase i was really hungry and wanted my snack/lunch. so i downed that in a really, really short amount of time. seriously--i dont know if i've ever drank one that fast. anyways, then of course Becca left and i began to lust after food. i kept thinking about how weird this was and i kept wondering, are there seriously people who dont struggle with this? do i truly have binge eating disorder? or do i just overeat? this feels so normal to me; i cannot imagine ever not wanting to eat. doesn't that resonate with everyone? which, of course, made me just begin eating cookies so that i could ensure i was sick enough to deserve the diagnosis of BED. and then i kept being assaulted with the thought, who knew you'd suck so bad at recovery? again and again and again. who knew i'd be such a fucking bad recovery patient? who knew it'd get this hard? who knew i'd come across all these struggles with having compassion/being kind to myself and whether i deserved either of those things. just who the fucking hell would have ever guessed it? and then i ate some more cookies. and then even when i didnt really want it i had a scoop of cookie dough ice cream. i felt like i was eating it in slow-motion, hyper-paranoid of any sign of life from either the front or the back doors, nervous id get caught. yet i was so full at this point, so disgustingly full and just not wanting to eat anymore, that i kept wishing i didn't have to keep going. but then id remember how much work i would have to do if i ever wanted to recover. how recovery was hard. and then i thought about how there were other people--anorexics and bulimics and just people who generally had enough willpower to say no to food for a few days at a time (while i meanwhile gorged myself every fucking second i could)--that had to fight through recovery too. i considered how we were somewhat relateable in that, when they were tempted to run from food and all the emotional junk it brought, i was similarily tempted to run from all restraint and reminders that i should not eat and all the emotional processing that not eating requires. and i just felt like a complete loser and failure and fucked up mess. and i wanted to cry; but of course i couldn't because i was at work. anyways, so as closing time loomed closer and closer, i thought about not eating anymore, but decided why the hell should i? today is completely fucked. and even the thought that, hey, each day's a new day, you can change, just stop eating for three seconds. psh. right. i officially give you the title of BULL-SHIT. and i ate another few cookies as the cleaned up the airpots and espresso machine. my head was throbbing from sugar and caloric overload. and i felt depressed and just so damn tired. which reminded me that earlier today when i binged i had also felt really exhausted as well. all this overeating and no-exercising was tiring my body out, even with plenty of sleep and nothing stressing me. i only discounted 3 of the cookies i ate because i was, as always, afraid Natalie that would someday confront me on how much discounted food i buy when im at work after she has reviewed sale reports. which means more money but potentially less humiliation in the long run. i then delayed calling Danae to come pick me up so i could have a few minutes of alone time to process and sit in peace.

poor Danae. once i was in the car i slowly turned icy and silent. i just sat there, my sadness turning to burning anger and FUCKKKKK-like frustration. i came inside, Mom said hi, i said hi, she asked what was wrong, i said nothing, i proceed with gladiators on up to my room. sit down, turn on fan, begin this blog post. then i, as i knew i would, had to go down for dinner; the inescapable meal during which i endlessly felt like throwing up. i actually ate faster than everyone else, which was really wacked but i think i was just so full it was like, okay i have to eat this meal, just shove it in and be done with it. then you can finally get a  break from eating. so i did and then sat there, surprise surprise, utterly exhausted. i came up to try and blog some more but then had to leave for church to help on the serving committe for our Q&A with the new youth pastor candidate. that was actually nice and a good distraction from my depression over my food issues. even though there was dessert there that i naturally devoured. now im home again and recalling all the shit that happened today and has been happening for the past week/longer.

i just really dont know what to do about this anymore. i dont fucking know what to do.  im so worried that i maybe dont even want to get better, not really. because that means analyzing my emotions all the time and yet still feeling uncomfortable and upset and having to avoid any form of overeating. and ive tried that and i hated it and still hate it. i dont want to let this go! im....not...fucking...ready! i just cant do it. i cant get any better. or if i could "do" it i could never make it really last, not make it something that is my life and not just another front i put up for others. and i hate this because i feel like i cant tell mom and dad about any of this. i cant tell them the truth! and they'll never consistently help me anyways. not to mention the whole issue of my not being a Christian and thus never being able to find a permanent solution since this is quite a soul-issue. fuck. just FUCK! what the hell am i supposed to do now?! i feel like all this is just falling apart. i was doing so well and learning so much and trying really hard to do better and now im just completely back to square one. and im humiliated and embarrassed and ashamed and desperate and scared. every time i see an obese person, i just keep thinking, that's where im headed, that's where im headed. ive got to change! i just want to hide away and stop feeling and not be a part of this anymore! i dont want to feel life anymore! i just want to numb myself from it! i hate it i hate it i hate it. i dont want to feel anything anymore; good or bad. i just want to cut and leave this out. i cant handle feeling my emotions--i hate it and it hurts and there's no real coping mechanism beyond recognition.

and after im done crying about this i always feel like the biggest fucking self-absorbed bitch ever. because there are SO many problems bigger than this in the world! my fucking problems with overindulging are stupid and petty compared to what others are going through. im so freaking focused on only ME that i cant help anyone else! and consequently i feel like there's no point in even attempting recovery because it requires validating my problem, acknowleding that it is worth discussing and dealing with.

i just want out. i want out. i feel trapped and sick about all this. fuck.

the silhouette [and intricacies] of my prince

i want to spend the rest of my life with someone adventerous. i want to wake up and kiss a man who i just spent the previous day practicing archery with. i want to go sit on cushions and risk eating indian food with him, and then come back and try cooking the food on our own. i want him to be someone that i host dinner parties with, where there's quality conversations, comfort and security, and the room is filled with the aroma of sizzling meat and spicy veggies and there's hearty laughter and delectable wine. i want him to be someone who says, yeah, let's go take a salsa dancing class, and should we go for a run on this sunny day? and hey, let's plan for the future and be fiscally responsible and not take out that loan, i don't mind driving a beater car. i want him to dress artistically and enjoy design, because at the end of the day, i hug the metros, man! ;) i want him to love books and ideas and discussing what the role of government is. id love a guy who loves truth and God and life, who is vibrant and passionate about celebrating what is good and redeeming what is warped. the kind of guy who will shake hands with the outcast and pardon in silence the rudeness of others. this would be my ideal man. maybe, just maybe, we'll meet on a plane to Italy someday...